This letter is in response to an absolutely fabulous column I recently read - right here - by the grand purveyor of all things rational, Gordon Bishop. I don't nomally delve into such topics, but this was too good to pass up...
Dear Gordon Bishop,
I loved your column in which you courageously put down the idea of global warming. It’s about time that somebody stood up for such a ludicrous concept! We should be happy that the earth is getting warmer, because, as you so adequately pointed out, the dinosaurs lived in warm weather. And they turned out just fine.
I believe that if the dinosaurs were forced to watch Al Gore’s “wobbly Global Warming” documentary, they would have been pissed, and probably would have walked right out of the theater. I think you would agree, because as you pointed out in your column, “These gigantic lizards loved warm environments.” Did you interview any dinosaurs when you worked at the Star Ledger? Just wondering…
What else did I love about your column, besides everything? Oh, I know! I loved the scientific facts that were included to back up your argument, especially this one: “Almost all of this warming can be attributed to the sun’s flares, which heat up the entire solar system.” After I read that, my first thought was, “No f*&^ing way! The sun? Fo’ real?” Sure enough, I looked it up, and you were right – the sun does heat the solar system. Touché, Gordon Bishop. And that’s probably something Al Gore “forgot” to mention in his mockumentary.
I, too, read many books in the 1970’s warning of another “Ice Age.” I read like, twelve of those shits. There was nothing better, at the time, than curling up by the fireplace with a big glass of merlot and reading another book about the upcoming Ice Age. Unfortunately, those books were wrong. I was tricked. You could imagine how skeptical I was when the 1980’s hit, and people were writing books about “another devastating heat wave.” Now I didn’t know what to think. Luckily, after reading your column, I realize now that people are stupid, and I should ignore everything until it blows over. Tsunamis? Hurricanes? Please. I’ll believe it when I see it, thank you very much.
Since I cannot even preface the grandiosity of this particular statement of yours, I will just include it right here: “Warm makes me feel good. Cold forces me to wear heavy coats, sweaters, hats, gloves, pants and shoes.” Seriously, you’re preaching to the choir on that one. I hate wearing shoes. And pants? Pffftttt. Forget it. If the only effect of global warming is that I get to walk out of my house in the morning without wearing pants or shoes, then sign me up!
Here’s another gem: “What we have here is the ‘blind leading the blind.’ We need more Einsteins and Edisons. No more Karl Marxes, Al Gores, or Jimmy Carters…none of whom live in the real world.” So true. I looked that one up too. Turns out, Karl Marx, Al Gore, and Jimmy Carter all live on the planet Zorton – which, by the way, doesn’t even have a sun! – where they meet everyday at the Zorton Legion 213 and discuss various methods in which to scare us earthlings into better protecting an environment that doesn’t even need protection. Cheeky bastards!
One more: “Just think about it. Look how much money you could save living in a climate warmer than New Jersey and other cold areas of the world.” Global Warming = Savings! Cha-ching! I mean, so what if my great-grandson is around when New Jersey sinks into the Atlantic Ocean? He’ll die happy knowing that great-grandpa saved a few extra bucks on his NJNG bill. Holla!
And here’s maybe your most rational tidbit: “Historians and anthropologists have traced the beginning of the human race to a tropical environment in central Africa. Some call it ‘Eden.’ The first-born human being is biblically named ‘Adam.’” Sure, the haters may argue that that particular paragraph is lacking something. Mainly, a point. (i.e.: "Many scientists believe that computers do not have ears. Blue is a color." But I disagree. Through this statement, I have inferred that while you don’t believe in “scientists,” you do believe in historians and anthropologists. That while you don’t believe in global warming, you do believe in the Genesis account of “Adam of Eve.” That while you don't believe in global warming, you do welcome it with open arms. That while you do believe in dinosaurs, you don’t believe in pants. It all makes perfect sense.
So, Mr. Bishop, I am with you when you say, “Welcome, Global Warming.” In fact, I have made a banner that says as much, and I’m on my way downtown now to hang it up on Main Street. I hope the sign doesn’t attract any giant lizards though, because they would probably end up knocking it down. They love warm weather, as evidenced by their lack of shoes.
Keep up the great work!
No, wait…That’s too obvious…