Tuesday, February 06, 2007

24: Season Knicks

The following takes place between 6:00pm and 7:00pm

Jack Bauer: If we don’t get a hold of those nukes, this entire city is going to go up in flames!

Isiah Thomas: Do you think I’m not aware of that, Jack? I’m acquiring assets as we speak!

Bauer: What kind of assets? Are we getting extra manpower here at CTU? Because that would really help me out right now…

Isiah: I got Jerome James.

Bauer: Who’s that? A new counter-terrorist specialist?

Isiah: He averaged 4.9 points during the 2004-05 season, Jack.

Bauer:…

Jerome James: ‘Sup.

Isiah: Jack Bauer, Jerome James.

Bauer: Jerome, listen to me – we need to find out where those nuclear weapons are. We’re tracking Abu Fayed right now, the man behind this whole operation. He’s working out of a warehouse in a nearby suburb of San Diego, and we have three Special Ops teams ready to move in. I need you to work with Chloe on mapping out a grid of the surrounding areas. She’ll log you in under her password, okay? Now go.

James: Whoa, whoa, man. I just got here. You got like, a sandwich somewhere or something?

Bauer: With all due respect Isiah, I don’t have time for this!

Isiah: Jack, please. My hands are tied here. I paid this guy $29 million to work here, and I can’t just sit him in the cafeteria all day.

Bauer: What? $29 million? I make eight dollars an hour and I’ve saved the world like, 28 times!

Isiah: Assets, Jack. Assets.

Beep, beep, beep

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bauer: (dialing cell phone) Hello, Chloe, it’s Jack. I’m here with my team. We’re outside of Fayed’s hideout right now. Have you accessed the map grids for the entrances yet?

Chloe: I’m trying, Jack! Jerome just spilled a milkshake all over my laptop, so I’m using Nadia’s.

Bauer: Why don’t you access Isiah’s computer? It’s faster.

Chloe: I’m not talking to Isiah right now, Jack.

Bauer: What? Why not?

Chloe: Because he touched my butt before, okay? Totally awkward…

Bauer: Chloe, I need those grids. Do what you have to do!

Chloe: I’ll have them as soon as I can, Jack. Who’s with you?

Bauer: I’m in the truck with Stephon, Jamal, and Nate. We’re waiting for someone, anyone, to step out of that building so we can approach the main entrance. Chloe, wait…somebody is coming out…Hey, where are you guys going? Get back in the truck! Stephon, Jamal, Nate, HOLD YOUR FIRE! I REPEAT – HOLD YOUR FIRE!

Chloe: Jack, what’s going on?!

Bauer: Hold on, Chloe…I’m approaching the victim now…Oh, geez…

Chloe: What is it, Jack?

Stephon: We got him.

Bauer: You didn’t get anyone, Stephon! This guy is the janitor! I told you guys to hold your fire! What were you thinking? I’ve never seen three guys shoot so much in my life!

Jamal: Dude’s dead. Yo, where are my sunglasses?

Bauer: Chloe, get President Dolan on the phone.

Beep, beep, beep

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bauer: President Dolan, sir, this is Jack Bauer.

Dolan: Who?

Bauer: Jack Bauer, sir. I saved the world yesterday. You gave me a medal and everything.

Dolan: Oh, Jack! What can I do you for?

Bauer: Mr. President, sir, believe me that it pains me to contact you directly in this manner, but this is an issue of national security, and it requires your immediate attention. Mr. President, I simply cannot work under Isiah Thomas any longer. He is jeopardizing the integral role that CTU plays in this nation’s quest to stop terrorism. I am pleading with you, sir, to bring back Bill Buchanan as director of CTU.

Dolan: I’m sorry Jack, but Bill Buchanan is dead.

Bauer: What? Oh my gosh. Excuse me sir, but how did this happen? Was it the terrorists?

Dolan: Isiah accidentally ran him over with his car in the CTU parking lot.

Bauer: Mr. President, you have to believe that that was no accident! Isiah Thomas has been out to get Bill Buchanan since day one. Bill was a legendary director of operations here, and he could barely last one year with Isiah! You have to believe that Bill’s death was no mistake, sir!

Dolan: I’m sorry Jack, but I don’t believe that to be true.

Bauer: Regardless Mr. President, we need to replace Isiah at CTU. What if he were replaced with a desk? Or even a chair, sir? I am confident that any sort of inanimate object you send here could do a better job than Isiah…

Dolan: Jack, I understand your concerns. But I am a statistical man - you know that. We are currently only ranked slightly behind Portugal in stopping terrorism, and that is thanks to Isiah.

Bauer: But sir, Portugal is ranked 38th in stopping terrorism.

Dolan: I understand that, Jack, but they are ranked second among Spanish-speaking nations.

Bauer: With all due respect, Mr. President, I do not believe that Isiah Thomas is leading us on the right path. While it’s true that several members of our team here respond to him, that point is made moot when you consider that those team members aren’t any good at what they do. Isiah has virtually no leadership skills. Last week I needed him to make a decision about whether or not we should bomb Fayed’s suspected hideout, and he stood there staring blankly with his arms crossed for six minutes until Fayed escaped, only to eventually respond, “Wait…what?” He has exhausted all of our resources – he purchased a Hummer for each member of the cleaning crew, and now we don’t have enough money to update our server. Sir, we are supposed to be one of the most respected and feared nations on earth! This is getting embarrassing…

Dolan: Jack, I will not say this again. Isiah Thomas is the head of CTU. You will answer to him.

Bauer: Mr. President, sir, I mean no disrespect, but why does your loyalty lie with an incompetent leader rather than with the hopes and aspirations of an entire nation?

Dolan: You are on thin ice, Jack! I am the President of the United States! How dare you question my motives! By the power invested in me, you are hereby under arrest for treason!

dramatic pause

Bauer: You’ll have to kill me first.

hangs up phone, dials again…

Bauer: Chloe, it’s Jack. Get me Charles Oakley…

Beep, beep, beep


You are stepping on my toes, Bill Buchanan. You must be eliminated.


I can't work like this...I mean, I just can't.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

That was great!!!

CMB said...

Very funny!

Anonymous said...

You are perfect at stating blankly how the government views situation and how high ranking areas are recruiting, like, 1 graders in their age. Good job. >14 year old