Thursday, February 15, 2007
Classic card of the week
Todd Hundley, 1996 Topps Laser series
It appears as though somebody left their Todd Hundley card by the ashtray again. Of course, I’m joking – smoking is not cool, not matter what Todd Hundley’s likeness may imply on a baseball card. (Write that one down, kids.) Nevertheless, this card is burned, albeit it not with real fire, to my knowledge. This card is instead burned with the darkest and most confusing image ever seen on a Todd Hundley baseball card. But maybe we can figure this out together. The words that I am able to make out read, “Topps Laser,” which would seem to insinuate that Todd Hundley has been included in a Topps baseball card series entitled “Laser”, which is most likely due to Hundley’s array of laser-like abilities. Lest we forget, Todd Hundley has a rocket, laser arm, laser speed, laser vision, a laser-like sex drive, and is the caretaker of a pool of sharks that have freakin’ laser beams attached to their heads. Through this, it becomes obvious why Todd Hundley has been included in the Laser series. What is less obvious, however, is the Topps’ symbol for the Laser series, which appears to be a player with one arm, one leg, no face, and no discernable features, who has a penchant for popping the ball straight up into the air. And by the way, you might not want to catch that ball, because it’s on fire. I’m just saying. But let us now forget about all that laser stuff and focus on what’s really important here, which is, obviously, Todd Hundley. The back of this half-burnt card includes several of Hundley’s “Spotlight stats,” which are highlighted with Batman-esque laser beams. (I’m sorry, but we’re back on lasers now.) But instead of the bat-symbol, you get a number on the end. I’ll explain. Not included in the aforementioned list of Hundley’s laser-like abilities was his laser belt, which he often used to flash his own integral stats into the atmosphere, for no real reason other than maybe to impress a lady or two. So, if you were walking through “Gotham” one night, and you looked up into the sky and saw a giant “101” in the air, you’d be like, “Dalmations? No, that doesn’t make sense. Oh – that must be Todd Hundley’s point improvement as a right handed-hitter in ’95 over his career average. Nice.” Then you could go to bed easy that night knowing that Todd Hundley was probably about to get some action, which was important because of his laser-like sex drive. Don’t smoke, kids!
Did you know?
Todd Hundley held a press conference in 1998 to explain that the phrase “taking a back seat to Mike Piazza” was not gay.