Monday, February 12, 2007

Classic card of the week




Pete Chilcutt, 1992-93 Fleer

When two goofy 6’ 10”-plus white guys collide on a basketball court, bad things happen. Maybe you can tell from the flailing arms in the background, but there is already a man down as a result of this particular collision. Broken back, it appears. Many more followed, of this I am sure. After all, this Pete Chilcutt and Unnamed Doofus collision officially registered a 2.1 on the Caucasian Contact Richter Scale. It’s an epidemic actually; a travesty that can be easily averted with a little less unsolicited hustle. And we’ve all been there – maybe not on the professional level, but still. You’re playing a game of pickup basketball down at the park. Just trying to have a good time. From the nearby trees emerges a 7-foot tall white dude with two humongous knee braces yelling that he’s got next. This guy is here everyday, even holidays. If you drive by the park on your way to grandma’s house on Easter Sunday, he’s there, practicing his baby hook shot. A local legend – if by legend you mean douchebag – he played two seasons at nearby Brookside Tech Junior College until he blew out his knee six times over while diving for a loose ball that had already bounced twice out-of-bounds. Coach was impressed, though. Now he’s back, rehabilitating his shattered career and knees at the local playground. Oh, you just came for a little pickup game, did you? Sucks for you. This guy is all over you. His limbs are everywhere. He has seven elbows, and one of them just nailed you in the nose on your way to the basket. “What the hell, man?” you scream. But he can’t hear you – he’s already hustling back down the court on offense. Woops, his gangly legs just accidentally clipped the ankles of your buddy who was hustling down court. Man down. Bodies are everywhere. Somebody call a timeout! Yes, we’ve all been there. But the real problems occur when two of these guys get together on the same court. Who wins when two extremely tall and uncoordinated white guys try to out-hustle each other? Satan, that’s who. You see, in a normal basketball game featuring a trace of athleticism, when two opposing players go up near the basket, one of two things usually happens: a score or a block. One guy wins, and the other guy loses. But when two uncoordinated goons go up near the basket, nothing happens. Negative + negative = negative. That’s Einstein right there. The offensive player will not score, but there won’t be a good defensive play either. And you can bet your ass a whistle is going to get blown, and several innocent bystanders are going to get seriously injured as a result. I mean, look at Chilcutt…His eyes aren’t even open! The worst part is that these collisions are often so awkward and confusing that the opposing teams forget which team was on offense and which team was on defense. So they have to start the game all over again. Seriously. Happens all the time.

Pete Chilcutt fun facts!

Favorite Food: Animal crackers

Favorite Book: Barbara Bush: A Memoir

Favorite Movie: Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat

Favorite Group: Ying Yang Twins

Pet Peeve: When I go to box someone out real hard, but I fall down because the person had moved

Did you know?
Many scientists believe that a Pete Chilcutt / Kurt Rambis collision would have destroyed the universe.

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