So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Hi everyone. I wrote a book, which is a collection of material, some from this very blog -- but better and newer! -- plus a lot of unreleased stuff. I think that, maybe, you should buy it. Here . Because that would be awesome. For me. But also you! I hope. Much more to come on this endeavor, to the point that you will be sick about it and will buy the book just to shut me up. Oh, also -- thank you to every single person who reads this blog. I truly, honestly, sincerely appreciate it. Love, Mike.

Charles Johnson, 1996 Fleer METAL UNIVERSE series The way I figure it, one of three things is going on here with this card. a) The umpire on this particular day is a huge, horned, cartoon beast, who is either coming on to Charles Johnson, or teaching him a new catching technique that involves claws. b) A huge, horned, cartoon beast has, unbeknownst to Charles Johnson, eaten the umpire, in which case—watch out Charles Johnson! c) This card is stupid. This is part of Fleer’s extremely popular-with-the-kids and very sensical “METAL UNIVERSE” series, because who wants to live in a universe without metal? Not me, that’s for sure. Also, metal and baseball go hand-in-hand like Pittsburgh and fashion. And, when one thinks of metal, the first thing this hypothetical person thinks about, besides metal, is a huge, horned, cartoon beast-like creature. Then, his mind travels to these guys ! Now, I know what you’re thinking: “I can read about Charles Johnson on Mike’s other blog that he writes for ...

Note: This column appears in the 3/31 issue of The Glendale Star and the 4/1 issue of the Peoria Times Things that seem crazy and that I knew nothing about are pretty standard in parenthood. One of those things: tubes in kids’ ears. Around our daughter’s 17th ear infection, my wife lamented that it may be time to have tubes inserted into her ears. I was like, “Ha, ha … good one. Tubes.” And she was like, “No, seriously.” She explained to me that tubes are frequently inserted into some children's ears as a means of preventing the frequency of ear infections. I immediately pictured our daughter walking around the house with straw-like tubes projecting out of the side of her head—sort of like the knobs in Frankenstein’s ears—which would leak ear fluid all over the carpet. This did not seem normal to me. I later came to learn that the tubes border on microscopic, and that their insertion requires a very minor surgery. I began to ask other parents if they had ever heard of such a thing,...

Derek Bell, 1996 Upper Deck "Strange But True" series This is the third time we have approached the subject of Derek Bell around these here , and other , parts. What can I say? Operation Shutdown is an operation that is near and dear to my heart. And as if Operation Shutdown were not strange but true enough, there seems to be even more strange but true aspects of Derek Bell’s game, and his refusal to play it well and/or at all: The title of this strange but true episode is, “To Catch a Thief.” Interesting to note that, according to Wikipedia and following Operation Shutdown, “Pittsburgh Post-Gazette” sports columnist Mark Madden summarized the incident with "Derek Bell becomes the ultimate Pirate: Lives on a boat and steals money." No other information on the Wiki page alludes to Bell living on a boat, but if he was indeed doing just that, then that is like, the best headline ever. Unrelated to accusations of stealing, Bell was eventually caught for drug possession...

Note: This column appears in the 3/24 issue of The Glendale Star and the 3/25 issue of the Peoria Times You know what Arizona needs? More guns. But it’s not just more guns quantity-wise. I mean, sure—if I have one gun, I should definitely get two guns, because that is more protection and will make me a better American by further exercising my right to have guns. More than that though, I need to be able to bring my guns everywhere, all the time, because the fact is, you never know when you’re going to need your gun(s). Yesterday, for example, a bird was chirping in the park. What was I going to do— shoo it away? C’mon. Luckily for me, an Arizona citizen, Senate Bill 1201 will not only relegate a city’s ability to ban firearms to only buildings with secured entrances, but it will also give me, local gun-wielder, the ability to sue should anyone try to stop me from exercising my right to bring my gun into a non-secured government facility or event. And if there’s anything this state and c...

Willie Banks, 1991 Fleer Ultra Prospects series I would like to say first and foremost that if I could go back to a time before I was born, I would change my name to Willie Banks. Not that I’d change families—I’d just change the family name by convincing my ancient ancestor, O’Reilly O’Kenny, to change his surname to Banks. I would do this by getting him really drunk, obviously. Then I would convince my dad to name me “Willie,” also by getting him drunk. What stereotype? Happy St. Patrick's Day! Speaking of Willie Banks, please don’t for a second get this Willie Banks confused with the gospel singer famous for hits like, “Lord You Been Good”—sayeth the Lord, “It’s ‘Lord, You Have Been Good.’ C’mon, Willie”—or the other American athlete, who Wikipedia describes as an “ American athlete " and “ the originator of the now common hand clapping that takes place during many track and field events .” So, if you ever get that Trivial Pursuit question about who invented hand-clapping, y...

Note: This column appears in the 3/17 issue of The Glendale Star and the 3/18 issue of the Peoria Times You know how things tend to happen all at once, and you reach a point where you either break down completely or blindly plow through all newfound dilemmas with purpose? Well, I did both. Not helping this unexpected influx of oddness was the general state of funk I found myself in over the past few weeks. Between work, family, outside projects, appointments, commitments, or whatever, I was suddenly zoned out, proceeding through life in a zombiesque state. Also, all of a sudden I have allergies. I haven’t been able to breathe for three weeks, and whenever I blow my nose I almost pass out. It probably began when my wife came home one day and informed me her car was hit while it was parked on the street. No big deal, but still something to take care of. Thing is, nothing ever seems to proceed smoothly for us, and this led to a series of calls to various insurance companies—always a pleas...

Denny Neagle, 1991 Fleer Ultra Prospects series Hi, Denny Neagle! Smell your armpits? Sure! I’ll do anything to get close to a classic, young fireballer. Denny is not the classic, young fireballer. The classic, young fireballer is a British man in his mid-twenties who pitches for the Englishtown Blokes and wears a monocle. Or, this guy . Denny Neagle—you continue to go against the grain, you 6’4,” 200 lb Caucasian pitcher who grew up in a Maryland suburb and played baseball your whole life! He is no bonus baby. Darn tootin’! That’s probably because the bonus baby rule was abolished in 1965. But still. Denny Neagle didn’t even earn a salary. He pitched for pride. And money, most of which he distributed to the poor and other big honkies facing similar obstacles coming up through the system. He has advance {sic} quickly through the Twins organization for one reason. His dad is Jeremiah Neagle, owner of Neagle’s Cadillac in Minneapolis and major shareholder of the Minnesota Twins? He can ...

Note: This column appears in the 3/10 issue of The Glendale Star and the 3/11 issue of the Peoria Times My brother-in-law, God bless him, gave my wife an iPad. I was actually going to buy her one for her birthday, and was about to approach her with the awkward question of, “Can you help me pay for it?” when we got the news. I was very relieved at being off the hook, and am hoping a $25 iPad accessory will knock her socks off just the same. My brother-in-law was able to give his sister the best new tech device on the market because he won an iPad at work. My brother-in-law has the type of job where you can win an iPad at work. I bring a sandwich to work every day, so I can’t say I felt too bad, although the gesture remains amazingly kind. It wasn’t as if he didn’t want one for himself, but he a) recognized that she could utilize it more for professional purposes, and b) he preferred to get the latest version when it arrives at a later date—that date being Friday when the iPad 2 arrives....

Ugueth Urbina, 1995 Pinnacle Who here is a trivia buff? Nobody? C’mooooon! None of you like to answer random questions that have no true substance without context but make you feel smart? No? You guys are crazy. For me, there are three levels of trivia bufftitude, and they are as follows, ranked from easiest to most difficult: 1) Trivial Pursuit . I love this game. The answer to every historical-based question is either Abraham Lincoln or Winston Churchill, and other than that every question involves Madonna or Michael Jordan. On the DVD “all play” from our game, one of the questions is, “This ‘showtime’ team plays not in a city of lakes, but in a city of angels,” and the first clue is “Magic J" (says Superintendent Chalmers, "No, no, that's too obvious. Try 'M. Johnson'). Also, the icon for one of the categories is a pair of pink high-heeled shoes. This game actually rewards the people who know the most about absolutely nothing, which is why I have been known to ...

Note: This column appears in the 3/3 issue of The Glendale Star and the 3/4 issue of the Peoria Times Not long ago my wife called me from a friend’s house to help walk them through a pseudo-emergency. Our friend’s smoke alarm was losing battery power and was beeping intermittently, yet incessantly. I received the call not because I am a manly man, or because I am adept at diffusing such devices. Quite the opposite with regards to both, actually. I do, however, have major experience with beeping alarms of all varieties. Nevermind that my solutions to these beeping problems have been, for the most part, temporary and/or wrong. I mean, they had to call someone . My experience with beeping smoke alarms began when we still lived back east. Apparently, these devices lose battery power during extreme weather, so whenever the temperature outside dipped below a certain point and our heating system couldn’t keep up, the intermittent beeps would start. This always— always —happened around 3 a.m....

According to an emailed press-release I received today at work: Due to unforeseen circumstances, The FATAZZ MEATBALL COOK-OFF! has been cancelled. Remember when the 1994 World Series was canceled? This is like that. Except much, much worse.

Keith Atherton, 1989 Topps Dearest baseball, Where do I start? First, I love you. The way your seams feel in my hands makes me happy. I am smiling. Not on the outside, because I need to strike fear into my opponents by making them believe I will not hesitate to throw you at them. But on the inside. You are a small little ball, but you have made my wildest dreams come true. Some people criticize your size. They say, “A baseball is too small! A ball that small will never achieve success in America! I can’t even see that ball it’s so small!” But if you were any bigger, I would not be able to throw you with such velocity and accuracy. You proved them all wrong, baseball. We proved them all wrong. I can see you just fine. With my glasses. When I am not wearing my glass, you look like a bloodstain on a blurry white rhombus. Baseball, you have given me confidence to, among other things, grow a mustache. If it weren’t for you, I’d be working at daddy’s stupid firm. Just another Atherton son at...

Note: This column appears in the 2/24 issue of The Glendale Star and the 2/25 issue of the Peoria Times Sometimes when a person asks me why we moved from New Jersey to the Valley, I will say, simply, “spring training.” This person will then say, “Wait—you left your family, friends, jobs, and general way of life behind and traveled cross-country just for one month of exhibition baseball games, most of which are played during the week and which you will not be able to attend because you have a job?” And I will say, “Yes.” This isn’t entirely true. We moved here for many reasons, but I’d be lying if I said spring training wasn’t one of them. Now that I’ve been to so many games, I can say that I actually underestimated the awesomeness factor. In that regard, and with games beginning this weekend, allow me to share some advice regarding spring training that I have acquired over the years. Ignore this advice at your own risk. - Attend a game with someone who actually likes baseball . Spring ...

Dan Plesac, 1989 Fleer Cameraman : Alright Sac-man, give me that All-American schoolboy look you’re so famous for. Dan Plesac : That’s not the most heterosexual thing I’ve heard today, but alright. Here goes. Plesac stands straight up and smiles. Cameraman : Click, flash . Okay, okay. Click, flash . You’re too upright, though. Bend over a little bit, like you’re about to pitch, but smile in a weird, inoffensive way, like you’re about to pitch to a three-year old girl at a charity event. Click, flash . Plesac : Like this? Cameraman : Yeah, yeah. Click, flash . That’s good. More innocent though! Put some feeling into it! You’re a schoolboy! Click, flash . Plesac : Looks into camera . Here kitty, kitty … Cameraman : Good! Click, flash . Perfect. I think we got it. Plesac : Great. Cameraman : Now take your shirt off. Plesac : What? DID YOU KNOW? It’s difficult for me to know until you ask the question, but: no, I did not. Came within one save of tieing club record in 1988 … That is an inte...

Note: This column appears in the 2/17 issue of The Glendale Star and the 2/18 issue of the Peoria Times One of the things fatherhood has taught me is that sleep is overrated. Eight hours? Pfft. I have not slept eight consecutive hours since college (back then I called that a “nap”). Sure, it’s frustrating to wake up every morning and be immediately reminded that this cycle of diminished sleep will not end for the foreseeable future, if ever. I combat this by lying to myself. On weekday mornings I think, “I will sleep-in this weekend.” On weekend mornings I think, “I will nap when she naps.” But on weekend afternoons, as she naps, I think, “Now I can finally take a shower.” I’m not complaining though. There are positives. For starters, getting to sleep takes zero effort. There used to be a time when falling asleep wasn’t so easy. Now? I could fall asleep while waiting at a red light. And by “could” I mean “do.” Also, if the quality of one’s sleep is relative to the weirdness of his drea...

Many months ago, I entered a Real Simple magazine writing contest. SPOILER ALERT: I lost. I wasn't going to post my entry here for a few reasons. One, it's a little bit on the sappy side (I figured a heartfelt piece about how we came to adopt our daughter, from a male perspective, would hit those ladies -- I assume only women work at Real Simple ; is that wrong? -- right where it hurts: in the heart. Strategy fail), and I've had a few too many of those in the past few months. What can I say -- I'm getting sentimental in my young age. Also, I try not to write too much about our daughter here, because no one wants to read about other people's kids (unless of course it's me reading about your kids; they're adorably hilarious! And smart!), and because some of this I touched upon in an earlier piece about the adoption. But then I figured, screw it. I worked really hard on this, and I didn't want it to go to waste, even if it wouldn't earn me the $3,000 ...

Dante Bichette, 1996 Upper Deck "You Crash the Game" series Hey kids—would you like the crash the game? Yeah! Okay, cool! Here are the rules: Rule No. 1 : Try not to have a seizure while looking at this card, so you will be alive and healthy enough to crash the game. It is important to not attempt to read any of the violently reflective text here, which is cleverly disguised as information, but which will, in actuality, give you 0/-2 vision. Do not operate machinery or your bicycle for eight hours after viewing this card. Rule No. 2 : Be open-minded to a new definition of what it means to “crash” an event. Traditionally, to crash something is to show up uninvited and not really care. In this case, we are cordially inviting you to send us money, and the event we are inviting you to crash is not so much a game, but a process by which you send us a check. Don't get caught! Ha, ha. You’re 10—you have checks now, right? Yeah? Good. Let’s crash the game! Here are the real rules...

Note: This column appears in the 2/10 issue of The Glendale Star and the 2/11 issue of the Peoria Times Hey, you know what turns out is not so good for dogs? Rat poison. Yeah, so our dog got into some rat poison recently. This actually happened a few weeks ago, but I only now feel well enough to write about it in a lighthearted and sarcastic manner. It was great! What happened was this: My in-laws have an exterminator for their house here in AZ, but they informed him upon his first visit not to drop any dangerous chemicals, as we bring our dog there frequently. Well, a different guy from the same company did the service call recently, and nobody thought twice about it. So, we were having a grand ol’ time in the backyard when my brother-in-law and I noticed our dog Mac enjoying a little appetizer in the corner of the yard. After we pulled him away, I saw the bag on the ground. My heart sunk, because all I could see from afar on the bag was a bunch of fine print, undoubtedly explaining i...

Walt Weiss, 1993 Pinnacle Throughout the years of my life, I have maintained a great fondness for the “bat head aimed at the camera”-type photograph. It implies three-dimensionality—making me feel quite involved in the action—and it makes the bat-wielder appear rather menacing, which is an attribute I appreciate in bat-wielders. Nice guys finish last, after all. Take Walt Weiss ( … “please!” Sayeth the Marlins circa 1993. Ha, ha! Those Marlins are hilarious). Here Weiss says without words, “I play baseball. Now get out of my way, nine-year old boy looking at this card, before I swing this baseball bat at your friggin’ head! Where are your parents?” Really, someone is going to get hurt here. And it’s not going to be Walt Weiss. Or, maybe it will be: Walt should provide the fledgling Marlins At this point, in 1993, the Florida Marlins had yet to play a professional baseball game as a franchise. Yet, they were already fledgling. I mean, can we give them time to fledge here? Take it easy, ...