Thursday, February 10, 2011
Classic card of the week
Dante Bichette, 1996 Upper Deck "You Crash the Game" series
Hey kids—would you like the crash the game? Yeah! Okay, cool! Here are the rules:
Rule No. 1: Try not to have a seizure while looking at this card, so you will be alive and healthy enough to crash the game. It is important to not attempt to read any of the violently reflective text here, which is cleverly disguised as information, but which will, in actuality, give you 0/-2 vision. Do not operate machinery or your bicycle for eight hours after viewing this card.
Rule No. 2: Be open-minded to a new definition of what it means to “crash” an event. Traditionally, to crash something is to show up uninvited and not really care. In this case, we are cordially inviting you to send us money, and the event we are inviting you to crash is not so much a game, but a process by which you send us a check. Don't get caught! Ha, ha. You’re 10—you have checks now, right? Yeah? Good. Let’s crash the game! Here are the real rules:
1) Collect your favorite MLB Superstar’s “You Crash the Game” card.
I got mine right here! Dante freakin’ Bichette, yo. Doesn’t get more superstarry than that. Show me another guy with a mullet wearing shin guards featured on a card that’s like a three-dimensional prism. You can’t. I don’t think.
2) Watch and see if the player on this card hits a Home Run in the series listed on the front of this card.
Uh … okay. I don’t get Rockies games here in not Colorado in 1996, so I’ll have to check the box scores. The front of the card says August 9-11. I’ll be waiting on the edge of my seat! Every morning! For the newspaper! This game is awesooooommmmmeeeeeee!!! Then what do I win? A moped? A chance to crash Dante Bichette’s son’s birthday party?
3) If he hits a Home Run, then mail this card along with a $1.75 check or money order
What’s a money order? I am 10.
payable to Upper Deck Company to: 1996 MLB Collector’s Choice Series
You lost me at “If.”
Two You Crash the Game Trade Card,
That address will not fit on an envelope.
P.O. Box 460774, St. Louis, MO 63146.
I will not do that. I have already forgotten about this contest. I am watching cartoons.
4) We’ll send you back a Super Premium You Crash the Game card of your Crash player.
Wait—do I get this card back? Because I kind of like it. Also, I took this card outside before and the sunlight it redirected caused my neighbor’s tree to catch on fire. I am literally scared to imagine what a “Super Premium” version of this card will do. And as much as I’d love to read the fine print below these directions, which surely explain in detail how you will screw me, a 10-year old, over, I have things to do. I’ll pass, thank you.
Did you know?
He didn’t hit one. Dante Bichette didn’t even play on 8/11/96. In a mild protest that turned violent, dozens of young Bichette fans crashed the field that day.