Thursday, March 03, 2011

Classic card of the week


Ugueth Urbina, 1995 Pinnacle

Who here is a trivia buff? Nobody? C’mooooon! None of you like to answer random questions that have no true substance without context but make you feel smart? No? You guys are crazy.

For me, there are three levels of trivia bufftitude, and they are as follows, ranked from easiest to most difficult:

1) Trivial Pursuit. I love this game. The answer to every historical-based question is either Abraham Lincoln or Winston Churchill, and other than that every question involves Madonna or Michael Jordan. On the DVD “all play” from our game, one of the questions is, “This ‘showtime’ team plays not in a city of lakes, but in a city of angels,” and the first clue is “Magic J" (says Superintendent Chalmers, "No, no, that's too obvious. Try 'M. Johnson'). Also, the icon for one of the categories is a pair of pink high-heeled shoes. This game actually rewards the people who know the most about absolutely nothing, which is why I have been known to do well.

2) Jeopardy! Nothing says “I remember a very small portion of my very expensive education” better than being able to answer a question on Jeopardy. Being able to reel off a few consecutive Jeopardy answers in front of others results in the greatest feeling of personal satisfaction this side of watching the PBS News Hour for three minutes until you can’t stand it anymore. Actually, the greatest triumph occurs, I believe, when you guess a Jeopardy answer incorrectly, but one of the contestants also guesses the same incorrect answer. This enables you to look around and blame Alex Trebek for a faulty line of questioning, and in some ways makes you appear smarter than if you had known the actual correct answer. Also, when the correct answer is revealed, you can say, “Pffftt—well if I had known they meant that …”

3) Cash Cab. This show is ridiculous. If I were in the Cash Cab, it wouldn’t go 10-feet before I’d have to get out. I honestly do not know how any person answers any question on that show. There just can’t be that many people that much smarter than me. (Counterpoint: Yes, there can.) The show only exists so New York elitist academic snobs who are actually from Oregon can pat themselves on the back for reaffirming the perception that they are smarter than the rest of the country. Besides, true New Yorkers take the subway and don’t answer questions from no one, ya’ heard?!

I also don’t know how, during those “ask a stranger” segments, they always manage to stop some dude in a blazer smoking a pipe and carrying a newspaper who just finished giving a lecture at the Met. They should be forced to ask the very first person they see when they roll down the window, which would in most cases be a clown on a skateboard or a person wearing a 1990 Hartford Whalers starter jacket with hot dogs hanging out of his ears.

Excuse me, kind sir? Do you happen to know, what is the most populace species of fish in the Euphrates river?

I’ll stab you!


Drive, drive!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, this Ugueth Urbina baseball card:



For all you trivia buffs,

See? I was going somewhere with this.

Ugueth, whose middle name is Urtain, is the first major leaguer in history to have the initials U.U. and certainly by default the first with the initials U.U.U.

Indeed, Ugueth Urbina will forever be remembered for having a weird, by ethno-centric American standards, name. That, or:

Alex: This former Major League Baseball player is currently serving 14 years in a Venezuelan prison on two counts of attempted murder via machete and gasoline.

Me: Who is “U.U.?”

Alex: That is correct! I also would have accepted, “Who is ‘U.U.U.?’”

Me: I’ll take obscure mid-90’s rappers for $400, Alex.

Alex: That is not a category.

Did you know?
The answer was the Los Angeles Lakers.

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