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Jerome Kersey, 1993-94 Topps Stadium Club Here is Jerome Kersey executing a slam-dunk. Feel the excitement. Undoubtedly, point guard Rod Strickland has driven the lane, thus drawing multiple defenders, and subsequently dished off to a wide open Jerome Kersey, who was standing on the block, and who then proceeded to jump as high as six inches in the air in order to dunk uncontested while letting out a half-hearted scream of dominance. Clear this area which has already been cleared! Jerome Kersey’s ‘bout to get his dunk on! There are a few interesting things going on with this card. And by “interesting,” I mean stupid. For starters, the font of the “K” on the front makes it look like an “H,” so the uninformed onlooker may feel as though he or she was just dunked on by a man named Hersey. Hersey Johnson. Hersey Johnson is a person I made up, but who I Googled for fun and who I discovered is, among other things, one half of a charcoal grey sweatshirt-making team . Luckily for me, I grew up...

Note: This column appears in the 10/28 issue of The Glendale Star and the 10/29 issue of the Peoria Times Talking about mortgages is not fun, or funny. Whenever a friend or acquaintance attempts to become involved in a conversation about mortgages, interest rates, or anything involving finances, my strategy is to draw upon enough acquired knowledge to prove that I am not an idiot, and then make a forced and ill-timed joke in an attempt to steer the conversation back to an inane topic, like sports or celebrity gossip. You know who should refinance? David Arquette! What a jerk, huh? If there is anything worse than talking about mortgages -- besides, of course, having one -- it’s reading about them. Please consider a forthcoming column that even I wouldn’t read evidence of my immense frustration. Like many Americans, we have watched our home and greatest asset depreciate in value exponentially. This has been wonderful, especially since we purchased our home at the peak of good economic ti...

Christian Laettner, 1993 Classic Games, Inc. Here is another installment of Classic Games, Inc’s immensely popular and relevant “Four-Sport Collection.” Featured here is famous four-sport athlete Christian Laettner, who besides excelling at basketball, was also an offensive lineman for the Chicago Bears, a jockey (who once, it should be mentioned, almost rode Butter Purplefingers -- a thoroughbred owned by trainer D. Wayne Lucas -- to glory at the Belmont Stakes), and a competitive dancer who was featured in the independent film, “You Got Served.” Today however, we focus on basketball. Laettner, seen here dribbling intensely with slicked-back hair, was dubbed “The Professor” while at Duke, for his entertaining brand of streetball and also because, when he received enough college credits, he actually taught an introductory course on French Literature. But let us see what else this card has to say: Christian Laettner helped Minnesota tremendously during the 1992-93 season The 1991-92 Min...

Note: This column appears in the 10/21 issue of The Glendale Star and the 10/22 issue of the Peoria Times All of a sudden, my wife is on a mission to ensure that I wash my hands more often. I’m sure this is at least partially based on the fact that we have a child. Indeed I’ve found myself -- when ill-prepared with resources I should have thought to have at my disposal -- wiping clean the runny nose of our daughter with my bare hands. I remain unconvinced, however, that my wife’s concern with my hand-cleanliness stems from a more general concern for my well being, rather than for her own well-being and that of the aforementioned child. It has been suggested on several recent occasions that I wash my hands. If I maintain that I have washed my hands recently, the follow-up question is, “Did you use soap?” Most 32-year old men with a lifetime of hand-washing under their hypothetical belts would find this question insulting, although I have been known to simply run my hands under water as ...

Junior Ortiz, 1985 Topps No doubt this gorgeous, professional swing produced a grand slam home run for Junior Ortiz! That, or an opposing player has grabbed the other end of Ortiz’s bat with plans to drag him around the infield as retribution for an earlier insult. Now, I know what you’re thinking. And here it is, the thing that you are thinking: Sure, Junior Ortiz likes to play baseball during the summertime. Who doesn’t?! But I wonder what he does during winter months? Excellent, excellent question. I was wondering the same exact thing. Junior is a graduate of Ana Rogue (Puerto Rico) High School. This is valuable information. Especially the part about Puerto Rico. For a second there I thought they were talking about the Australian Ana Rogue, who was infamous for her stance on less education and who also hoarded and abused ferrets. That, or “Ana Rogue” is Spanish for “Puerto Rico,” which is already Spanish and which, if accurate, you would think I would have been aware of by now. Neve...

Note: This column appears in the 10/14 issue of The Glendale Star and the 10/15 issue of the Peoria Times Things happen fast when you’re a parent. There’s not much time to reflect on what, exactly, is happening. Therefore, there are moments when you look around, and say to yourself, “Where am I, and how did I get here?” Once such moment occurred for me a couple of weekends ago, as I sat there on a Saturday afternoon, watching live Nickelodeon characters dance around and sing onstage. We took our daughter to Jobing.com Arena to see Nickelodeon Live Storytime. (For those of you who follow the column, yes -- I returned to Westgate. They called me personally to apologize for the farmer’s market fiasco, explaining how they were forced to cancel last minute due to the heat and valiantly attempted to get the word out in time. Tip of the cap to them.) Considering it was the beginning of October, and still one thousand degrees outside thanks to “the summer that wouldn’t die,” I was happy to ge...

Chris Zorich, 1991 NFL Pro Set I don’t think that, as a society, we’ve given the half-shirt football jersey its just due. We certainly can’t just pretend that this trend never happened. As evidenced here, the half-shirt football jersey was championed by such champions as Chris Zorich, who –- a quick Google image search will confirm –- didn’t rock the half-shirt during only practices and scrimmages. After all, 1990 LOMBARDI AWARD WINNERS aren’t typically shy about showing off their belly buttons. Not that Zorich was the only one . The late 80s and early 90s witnessed a bevy of football players -– frustrated with layers upon layers of protective apparel that failed to adequately expose their natural physique -– paying homage to their most manly of man parts. That part being their stomach, so appealing to the opposite sex by virtue of the grizzled strip of hair leading from the belly button and down into an abyss of additional manhood. In Zorich’s particular case, the half-shirt football...

Note: An edited version of this column appears in the 10/7 issue of The Glendale Star and the 10/8 issue of the Peoria Times My parents are falling apart. Physically. This is mainly a result of them both being super active. My dad is an avid runner, and my mom -- though she became involved relatively recently -- has possibly passed even my dad in her commitment to running. Unfortunately, their bodies are having difficulty keeping up. A few weeks ago, my dad’s knee went out while playing softball. For whatever reason, most of my fathers’ injuries involve something “going out.” Nothing is ever “tweaked,” or “pulled.” It just dramatically goes out, collapsing, I imagine, onto itself. I’m not certain what the exact medical terminology is for something “going out,” but my dad’s back has gone out so often, it’s a wonder that it’s not, at this point, being held together with duct tape and string. (Which is, by the way, how he would fix his back if it ever fell off, in lieu of going to the doc...

Craig Worthington, 1991 Score Let’s pretend, for fun, that we are not aware that this is a Craig Worthington baseball card we are looking at, okay? Just trust me. He has quick reflexes and goes well to his left and right, covering a vast amount of ground around third base and throwing with a powerful, accurate arm for the Orioles. Who does that remind you of? Brooks Robinson? Yeah! I mean, if this wasn’t written in the present tense! Doug DiCinces? Not really, but…okay, yeah! It may have helped jog my memory though if you had spelled Doug DeCinces correctly, as nobody, really, reminds me of Doug DiCinces. You’re wrong on both counts. WHAT??!!!???!!!!????!!!!!???? It’s Craig So wait. You’re telling me that the biographical tidbit contained on the back of this Craig Worthington card is about Craig Worthington? I am dumbfounded. This has really caught me off guard. I also appreciate that I am wrong about being reminded of different baseball players when the author’s intent is to speak of ...

Note: This column appears in the 9/30 issue of The Glendale Star and the 10/1 issue of the Peoria Times The other day I was driving to work and, as usual, some guy in a monster pick-up truck was riding my bumper. And he was mad at me . There is a light at 91st and Grand, near the 101. I was making a left onto Grand, and I could tell this guy was too, not because of his turn signal , which he refused to use, but because his vehicle was in my back seat. I had missed the green arrow, and the traffic light was now just green, and so in order to turn I was forced to wait for the oncoming traffic to break. Now, on these occasions, most people -– and everyone in this state –- moves out into the middle of the intersection to wait, so if the traffic never breaks, the turn can be made after the light turns red. I am honestly uncertain if this is legal or not, but I no longer do this. A couple of years ago, my wife was involved in an accident when she thought it was safe to turn left on a yellow...

Rob Konrad, 1999 Topps Rob Konrad is one happy fellow. Perhaps it is because he has reached the open field, with no defenders in sight. Perhaps it is because, as this card subtly mentions many, many times, he is a 1999 NFL Draft pick. Or, perhaps it is his new, boy-band-infused haircut: Either way, Rob Konrad is living large. Let us discover more. It is not often a team can find a player with the size of a small lineman, the speed of a tailback, and the pass catching ability of a tight end. Indeed, Rob Konrad encompassed, in one person, what every NFL team was looking for at the time: small linemen, fast tailbacks, and the pass-catching ability of a blocker. Unfortunately for Rob Konrad, he played none of these positions in the NFL, but was, rather, a fullback. But Rob Konrad, it should be stated, did and continues to do what fullbacks do best: manage wealth via private equity funds. Sayeth Wikipedia : Konrad is currently the CEO of Alterna Wealth Management (a registered investment a...

Note: This column appears in the 9/23 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/24 issue of the Peoria Times We are vegetarians, my wife and I, and so when we go hunting we typically hunt for farmer’s markets. This was our intention two Saturdays ago, our hunt very defined in that Westgate was having a farmer’s market that day. Having found out about this event weeks earlier, our anticipation had increased our excitement, as did the fact that it was a beautiful Saturday morning, the chance to finally venture outside of the house -– to get fresh vegetables, no less! -– signifying the beginning of the end of another endless summer. It didn’t even matter that Westgate is approximately 40 minutes from our house. Not that helping the environment and local farmers is our sole reason for attending farmer’s markets –- we actually enjoy eating the vegetables of our labor, too –- but the irony of burning lots of gas in order to purchase organic fruits and veggies was not lost on us. But hey, whatever...

Eric Hillman, 1994 Topps Gold I would like to switch things up a bit today, and start here with Wikipedia , which I find, in this particular instance, to have surpassed even its own reputation for awesomeness. We shall begin with the famous biographical category –- and, in this case, the only category -– “Nippon Professional Baseball career.” Off we go: He also played four seasons in Japan. Now that is a lede. He firstly played with the Chiba Lotte Marines where Bobby Valentine was a manager at that time. Let me say, firstly: a manager, or the manager? Was Chiba Lotte Marines a place wherein Bobby Valentine did some managing? Or was Bobby Valentine one of the many managers that the Chiba Lotte Marines employed at this time? In 1995, his first season in Japan, Hillman had 12 wins and 9 losses. In 1996 he logged 14 wins and 9 losses, and was voted to the best nine Hillman was also voted the MVP of the 1996 All-Star-game.. A few lessons to be learned here. Firstly, what is “the best nine?...

Note: This column appears in the 9/16 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/17 issue of the Peoria Times We embarked on a family drive to California over Labor Day weekend. We departed for this six-hour trip at around the same time our daughter usually goes to bed, as was our purpose, hoping that she would sleep. She did not sleep. Not for the first two hours, at least. Instead, she cried, screamed, and whined incessantly. When her whining would settle down into what we thought would be a deep sleep, she would scream herself awake again and start from scratch. For two straight hours, while driving my car, not even one-third into a long trip, my ears rang and my head ached. I go through stages of emotion during moments like this. Typically the more patient one in our marriage, I initially pride myself on that virtue, and try to laugh off the craziness with jokes and a lighthearted, one-sided conversation with our screaming child. When that inevitably does nothing, I sort of zone out, and...

Bobby Higginson, 1999 Topps I don’t know a lot about Bobby Higginson. But I have heard things. Crazy things. The reputation of Bobby Higginson – one that we are all too familiar with, I am sure -– speaks to his ferocious competitiveness, and also to his competitive ferociousness. He plays baseball, I have heard, like a fighter who fights things. He fights baseballs, ferociously, and wins. This is his reputation. And not that I would ever doubt Bobby Higginson in a million, trillion years, but still, I must ask, in a strange grammatical fashion: Does Bobby Higginson come by his reputation as a ferocious competitor honestly? Bobby Higginson comes by his reputation as a ferocious competitor honestly. Whew! For a second there I was very worried that I had Bobby Higginson all wrong. But now I am okay. I knew a guy in college who did not come by his reputation honestly, or, rather, did come by his reputation dishonestly. It was not cool. He is the grandson of boxer Gus Dorazio, who faced Joe...

Note: This column appears in the 9/9 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/10 issue of the Peoria Times Almost everything in my wallet relates, in some way, to Dunkin' Donuts. For starters, I have a Dunkin' Donuts card. It's like a debit card that I registered online, and which tracks my spending and earns me Dunkin' Donuts rewards. A few weeks ago I received one of my awards in the mail -- a coupon for a free medium coffee! -- and it was one of the happiest moments of my life. I also "recharge" this card online by adding money to it. According to my American Express online pie chart, more than 60-percent of my spending is applied to "coffee and coffee-related products." I also have a Dunkin' Donuts punch card with me, always. Whenever I purchase a coffee there, Dunkin' Donuts will punch it, and when it's finished, I get...a free medium coffee! Whenever I cash in this free coffee I make sure to get a new punch card immediately, and sometim...

Jeromy Burnitz, 1991 Upper Deck Prospects When the Mets selected Burnitz in the first round of the ’90 draft out of Oklahoma State University, many critics thought New York drafted him too high. Mets ? Criticized for personnel decisions? Really ? Weird. After all, he never matched his .403 freshman season and struggled against left-handed pitching as a junior. In the Mets’ defense, I’m not entirely sure that “hitting over .400 only once” and “being a young left-handed hitter that struggled against left-handed pitching one year” necessarily qualify as valid reasons to avoid selecting a player high in the draft. Nevertheless, what did the Mets see in Burnitz? The Mets, however, were sold on Burnitz, who attained the highest score ever on a psychological test the New York Mets administrators give to all prospective draftees. Question 21: What is your favorite color? A. Lilac B. Blue is my favorite color, but my least favorite feeling, Go figure C. Auburn D. My favorite color is subjective...

Note: This column appears in the 9/2 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/3 issue of the Peoria Times At a job I had a very long time ago, there was a woman who possessed no internal mechanism that informed her which pieces of information were relevant to which people. As a result, she would have phone conversations, with customers, where she would say things like, “I’m sorry sir, I have to go in a few minutes. We’re having cake in the conference room for Julie.” This is an extreme example –- this woman lacked many more internal mechanisms –- but I have always, personally, enjoyed gathering information from others that does not pertain to the given situation. Especially if it is revealed to me in the form of an excuse as to why my needs cannot be met. Case in point. My wife and I have both called, on our own, on separate occasions, a person who is supposed to be assisting us in closing an important matter. When I initially spoke with her, she eased my concerns about the delays in this ...

Mike Marshall, 1992 Score Off we go! Like some visitors to the Big Apple, Mike did not enjoy his brief stay in ’90. Hmmm. “Like some visitors?” Looks like somebody spent a wedding anniversary weekend in NYC, spent $315 to park his car in one of those lots where they stack three cars on top of yours, stepped in barf on the subway platform, and couldn’t get a table at Carmine’s after seeing “Cats,” which he thought would have less cats. Still…why you gotta drag Mike Marshall into this? Let’s see how bad Mike Marshall’s time in New York really was. After being traded in the off-season to the Mets, Okay, that kinda sucks. he smashed the seventh grand slam homer of his career and drove in six runs in an 8-3 win over his old team, the Dodgers. This sounds terrible. I would hate New York too if all I had to base my experience there on was the fact that I once hit a grand slam there for the local team that helped enact revenge against my former team. “This city is the worst!” I would say. B...

Note: This column appears in the 8/26 issue of The Glendale Star and the 8/27 issue of the Peoria Times Last weekend we happily hosted a first birthday party. The theme was butterflies. Even though I had attended several first birthday parties in the past year or so, and acquired some knowledge as to their culture and thus gained some confidence, there were still many facets of first birthday party etiquette that I was unaware of. For example, I learned that one cake is not enough cakes. I thought that one cake would be enough, but that was before I discovered that one cake is set aside for the sole purpose of allowing the birthday girl to smush her hands and face in it so that you can take funny birthday pictures. Then that cake is removed and a different cake is brought in for guests, so as to reduce the likelihood of your guests finding boogers in their cake. Luckily for us our friend Donna took care of the “real cake” personally by making a full batch of her Sassy Pops , which are ...