Classic card of the week

Eric Hillman, 1994 Topps Gold

I would like to switch things up a bit today, and start here with Wikipedia, which I find, in this particular instance, to have surpassed even its own reputation for awesomeness. We shall begin with the famous biographical category –- and, in this case, the only category -– “Nippon Professional Baseball career.” Off we go:

He also played four seasons in Japan.

Now that is a lede.

He firstly played with the Chiba Lotte Marines where Bobby Valentine was a manager at that time.

Let me say, firstly: a manager, or the manager? Was Chiba Lotte Marines a place wherein Bobby Valentine did some managing? Or was Bobby Valentine one of the many managers that the Chiba Lotte Marines employed at this time?

In 1995, his first season in Japan, Hillman had 12 wins and 9 losses. In 1996 he logged 14 wins and 9 losses, and was voted to the best nine Hillman was also voted the MVP of the 1996 All-Star-game..

A few lessons to be learned here. Firstly, what is “the best nine?” Doesn’t matter. Secondly, if you forget to put a period somewhere –- don’t fret! You can just put an extra one at the end, somewhere else. The reader can sort through the wreckage.

In 1997, the Yomiuri Giants has purchased his contract with signing him to a $ 7.5 million, two-year contract. The Giants expected him to be a key-person for the championship.

Let us try and ignore the fact that it hilariously appears as though an old friend from his days in Japan decided to pen Eric Hillman’s Wikipedia entry. Instead, let us do this:

Yomiuri Giants
: Mr. Hillman. We has purchased your contract.

Eric Hillman: Uh, okay. What?

Giants: Just sign here if you like dollar-sign, space, 7.5 million, two-year.

Hillman: I thought you purchased my contract. What am I signing again?

Giants: We has purchased your contract with signing you to a dollar-sign, space, 7.5 million, two-year contract. We do not understand your confusion.

Hillman: Okay, whatever. I’ll sign.

Giants: We expected you to be a key-person for the championship.

Hillman: What championship? Is it over? Did I fail?

Giants: Somebody kill him.

Let’s get back to reality here. I’m sick and tried of going through third parties with regards to Eric Hillman’s accomplishments, hopes, and dreams. Let’s go right to the source. Eric Hillman? Tell me a little bit about yourself:

Eric says he’d like to be a biologist “leading the world into mandatory recycling and ozone layer limitations.”

Huh. Join the club.

Did you know?
Somewhere, the Director of Biology who heads the World-Leading Mandatory Recycling Program and sits on the Board of Trustees of the Ozone Layer Limitations Organization at Oklahoma University, dreams of becoming a professional baseball player.


Bo said…
Great post as always. I posted a follow up on my blog about what Hillman is up to now (hint: he is not a biologist).
Bill said…
Hilarious! As usual, you has been a key-person to my laughings.
Bo said…
Hillman came across my blog and had a pretty funny comment:
Anonymous said…
I guess you can sit on your duff and "BLOG" all day or go out, bust your butt and become a major league baseball player...... Gee, let me take a little time to contemplate that one!!
mkenny59 said…
My duff?
James said…
I'd like to see you write a grammatically better article about Hillman (or anyone for that matter) in Japanese on the Japanese language Wikipedia.