Note: This column appears in the 9/9 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/10 issue of the Peoria Times
Almost everything in my wallet relates, in some way, to Dunkin' Donuts.
For starters, I have a Dunkin' Donuts card. It's like a debit card that I registered online, and which tracks my spending and earns me Dunkin' Donuts rewards. A few weeks ago I received one of my awards in the mail -- a coupon for a free medium coffee! -- and it was one of the happiest moments of my life. I also "recharge" this card online by adding money to it. According to my American Express online pie chart, more than 60-percent of my spending is applied to "coffee and coffee-related products."
I also have a Dunkin' Donuts punch card with me, always. Whenever I purchase a coffee there, Dunkin' Donuts will punch it, and when it's finished, I get...a free medium coffee! Whenever I cash in this free coffee I make sure to get a new punch card immediately, and sometimes I deftly attempt to have them punch this new card once because -- even though I didn't have to pay for it -- I did just get a coffee. It rarely works, but I try. Also, these two D&D cards supersede almost every other card in my wallet by virtue of the frequency with which I use them. If I were ever, God forbid, in an accident and the police were forced to use my wallet to identify me, they would say, as they sorted through its contents, "He loves Dunkin Donuts...a lot...he's a member at BevMo...his name is Mike."
I also have, if you can believe this, a Dunkin Donuts calendar at my desk here at work. It features provocative and sexy pictures of iced coffee, donuts, and that "time to make the donuts" guy. But the best feature is that every month page contains two coupons that are good only for that month. Many of these -- for example, 75-cents off your next purchase of a sausage & egg sandwich -- I cannot even use, as I really only purchase their coffee and I don't eat meat. But I keep them in my wallet anyway, in case I change my mind.
Throw in my Dunkin' Donuts rewards coupons and any other coupons I may comes across, and you can see that my wallet is a testament to my unwavering commitment to staying caffeinated.
Anyway, last week I was at the D&D on 67th and the 101, going through my usual routine of ordering coffees for my wife and I and handing the cashier twenty different cards and coupons to sort through. I was due for a free coffee, thanks to my punch card, so I was already happy. Then, I find out that Dunkin' Donuts is celebrating its anniversary -- how I did not know this is a mystery; I would have bought them flowers -- and as a result, medium coffees were only 50-cents! They might as well have rained down confetti on me. But then, like an idiot, and not thinking as a result of my overwhelming joy, I used my free coffee punch card for a 50-cent coffee. Oh no! I just forfeited $1.64! I didn't realize it until afterwards, and I was very upset, at both myself and the cashier for not realizing it either.
Bummed out, but drowning my sorrows in my medium iced coffee, I made my way home. As I turned from Lake Pleasant onto Happy Valley Road, I noticed that a brand new Dunkin' Donuts was "coming soon" to that very corner, less than ten minutes from our house. I was so excited. They are probably going to have so many grand opening coupons and specials!
I shall mark this date on my calendar. It will supersede any other listed events, such as birthdays and holidays. I may also need a new wallet. I think I have a coffee problem.