Monday, February 20, 2017

Spam email of the week

Hello everyone. As you might have guessed, if you’ve given it any thought at all, which you definitely haven’t, the spam emails I post for this SEOTW feature are not always sent to me directly; they are often forwarded to me from friendly, astute readers of this blog. One of those readers, troy, is a sender of such spam emails, as well as a frequent commenter, and, dare I say, a friend? Basically, troy is one of the few people who actually reads this blog consistently, for some reason. (HI TROY!) He forwarded me the below spam email, and we had a back-and-forth exchange. I thought it best, and easiest, because I am lazy and also we used up all the jokes, for the exchange itself to serve as the iteration of this SEOTW.

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From: Financial Help <"info.4@arianhacker.com>?>">
Sent: Wednesday, February 15, 2017 12:55 PM
To: [troy]

Subject: Genidnewwalikabali, do you have cash needs that require up to $2,500?


























troy
: Hmm. Who? Who do I know who might enjoy this? Must be someone ...

Mike: That someone is me, Genidnewwalikabali.

troy: Coming this summer … From the maker of Bad Idea Jeans …

IN A WORLD ... Where people send you emails telling you that you should apply for a loan with them ... With little disclaimers down the bottom noting that they don't actually make or arrange loans ... And where other people are dumb enough to click anyway ...

BAD.

CREDIT.

LOANS.

Because when you're looking for a lender, you definitely want one with 'bad' right in the name.

Mike: “I can't believe I was misled by BAD Credit Loans!” is something that I, Genidnewwalikabali, will definitely not say at some point.

I do appreciate the very relevant question, “Set for Summer?” I, Genidnewwalikabali, must say no, I am not, for the following reasons:

1) It is February.

2) I have cash needs that require up to $2,500.

3) My terrible credit score knows no season.

4) My name is Genidnewwalikabali, and as you might have guessed I am an immigrant. From another galaxy. In this political climate, I will be lucky to make it through winter without being deported.

troy: "In another galaxy, spam Genidnewwalikabalis YOU!"

(Hold on, just going through my '80s pop culture reference checklist for this spam. Hmm ... reference to Kevin Nealon sketch that I think was obliquely alluding to the Gary Hart scandal ... CHECK. Easy Yakov Smirnoff joke ... CHECK. I do it for the kids, Mike. The kids; they can't get enough '80s pop culture references.)

You, Genidnewwalikabali, and your habit of saying your name every time you are talking about yourself have convinced me that I should change my name to Genidnewwalikabali and only speak of myself in the third person. I would go out to dinner with my friends and tell long, winding stories about myself (Genidnewwalikabali) that would double in length because I kept replacing one syllable with eight until I ran out of breath, because my friends were strangling me. But obviously I wanted to get your approval first.

Please make sure to wake me up when it's time to talk about Arian Hacker.

Mike: I do feel like I’ve hijacked being Genidnewwalikabali when this email was actually sent to you. Really, do you want to be Genidnewwalikabali? It’s kind of too late for that, tbh, but I want to be fair. I mean, the only rational explanation is that you used the alias Genidnewwalikabali at a trade show for whatever your job is after being solicited by a vendor secretly working for BAD Credit Loans, but also for some reason gave them your actual email address. So you should own this.

Eh, you’re right-- I should be Genidnewwalikabali.

Not to ignore your ‘80s references-- I think we’re all tempted, every now and then, to go to the well of easy Yakov Smirnoff jokes-- but I had another thought. What if “Summer” is the name of the woman in this ad, which is not so subtly suggesting that a $2,500 loan is available for me to propose marriage and/or pursue physical relations? That’s weird, right? But weirder than asking if I’m set for the season of summer on February 15th? I don’t know. It’s possible I’m overthinking this.

troy: NO NO NO NO NO. Now listen right here, Genidnewwalikabali -- if in fact that is your real name -- 'Summer' is one name/entity too many, especially when I lost the thread of what's going on here three Summers ago. We've got an email from Bad Credit Loans except the header suggests that it's actually from someone named Hacker, which is about as good a name for a spammer as Bad Credit Loans itself is. Bad Credit Loans does not make loans or broker loans or, apparently, even send the emails, so already I'm wondering what exactly it is they do. We're being told we were sent this by Sphere Digital, except *they're* not in the header either, and also it says right under that to contact Healthcare Limited to unsubscribe. What does Healthcare Limited have to do with bad (credit) loans? Or with brakecard.com? We don't know, because brakecard.com isn't a working website. I got no friggin' clue WHAT tf is going on AND NOW YOU WANT TO MAKE SUMMER A PERSON?

Although they do capitalize it. Twice.

Oh my God. Oh. My. Ever. Lovin'. God. Dude. Guy. Dudeguy. Buddy. What if we've got this all wrong? What if Genidnewwalikabali isn't you OR me OR EVEN A PERSON AT ALL. What if it's Hindi or Tamil or Urdu and means something like 'Summer is coming' or 'Hey, homeless people' or 'D'you need a new wallet buddy?' or 'An expensive prostitute is headed your way in a dress that the Internet will never agree on whether it is some weird new shade of blueish-green or just bog-standard white'?

Anyway, please ask Summer whether she has a sister.

Mike: Will do. And here I am worried that I was overthinking this. J/k, this is definitely a huge conspiracy facilitated by Trump to distract us from whatever is happening now.

But really though, I can’t get over the summer premise. Here is the ideal scenario this ad presents:

Me, Genidnewwalikabali: I am not set for summer, in large part because I do not have a $2,500 loan. (It is February 15th.)

BAD Credit Loans: “Get your money as soon as tomorrow.”

Me, Genidnewwalikabali: Now I am set for summer! (It is February 16th.)

I struggle to understand how someone with bad credit (who likely has bad credit, at least in some part, because he/she is not great at managing money) is more set for something that will happen four months from now, especially considering that they’re now undoubtedly strapped with a 78% interest rate. Between this and everything you’ve noted, it’s almost as if targeting someone named Genidnewwalikabali is the thing that makes the MOST sense about this email.

troy: I think I agree with you, but I forget: Which one of us is Genidnewwalikabali again?

2 comments:

KO Rob said...

It's a lesser known song, but I'm pretty sure Genidnewwalikabali is a word they say, that means Happy Hanukkah to you.

mkenny59 said...

Well NOW it makes sense. Thanks, KO Rob!