Friday, November 06, 2015

Teaser link of the week



Let’s start with the premise.

Want to make your bank mad?

Yes. Yes I do. More than you could ever know. I spend every waking moment conjuring up ways to anger the institution I’ve assigned as the caretaker of my money. I have egged my bank’s house (bank), prank called them multiple times—“More like TD SKANK!” “I’m sorry I didn’t g—” “Your mom!” (hangs up)—and steadfastly refuse to understand what escrow means. I have bravely exposed several fake banks, namely BANK, via spam email posts and I generally hate banks, especially my bank. So yes, you can say I’d like to make them mad.

And you bet your sweet patooty I’m willing to try this mortgage trick. This teaser seems to imply that the mortgage trick is rolling up your change and using that to pay your mortgage, which is hilarious but also quite cumbersome for me, the hater. Feels like the hatee should be the victim here. Besides, I’ve been sent away from my bank for merely trying to deposit rolled-up change—yet another reason I hate banks—so I think all that work could be for naught. One cool mortgage trick I have tried is not paying my mortgage, but that didn’t go over well. I’m certain Bills.com—looks like you fell asleep at the wheel there, Buffalo Bills—has a better trick than that. But I wouldn’t know because I didn’t click on the ad. Because this is stupid.

Teaser ads will leave you believing you can make anyone very, very mad—banks, trainers, doctors—as if any of these people/entities are invested in your personal habits and/or outright opposed to your success/health/wealth, the maniacal villain in your ongoing personal life rather than a simple embodiment of everyday capitalism. And that’s besides the curious idea that if there WERE some clever trick that made your life easier at the expense of a terrible human being—your personal trainer, for example—it would be exposed via an obscure website like trainerzhatethis.com by way of a teaser ad rather than, like, literally any other source.

That said, the notion of my bank angrily shaking its fist to the sky and cursing me as I succeed in forking over to them the tens of thousands of dollars in interest I pay annually, but IN A TRICKY WAY, is too much to resist. So I did it. I egged their house.

2 comments:

troy said...

I think you should branch out even further and run subscription drives to fund the purchase of a cheap laptop with which you actually click on links like this, then report back to us what happened. Then you run the next subscription drive, so you can replace that laptop, for obvious reasons.

I once clicked on one of these, assuming it was going to be the thing where you make two payments a month (totaling the same amount as the one previous payment per month) and somehow this was supposedly going to affect the interest and get you paid off in 7 years. But it was not that. It was something much stupider, so stupid that my mind protected me by completely forgetting everything about it except that a) I did it and b) it was stupid. /coolstorybro

mkenny59 said...

I have nothing to add except seeing your "coolstorybro" conclusion reminded me that I was debating whether to nix the whole into in favor of:

Want to make your bank mad?

That's a clown question, bro.