Today's email comes courtesy of what might be the dumbest name in the history of fake names. Today's email comes courtesy of MR. ALEX GOOD WILL. That's Mister Alex if you're nasty, and Good Will is two words and also the opposite of the kind of will this email invokes. His email address is email@example.com and this went out to me and, among others, firstname.lastname@example.org, which are addresses that are surprisingly absent from my contact list. I probably met them both at some party and don't even remember. Hey, we should totally make a money transfer together some day! Cool, no doubt! Get at me next week! or whatever. Anyway, so what's this email about?
You're boy here is about to get pizz-aid. Just for sitting here at my desk. The American dream.
Re: Bank Payment Notification/Wire Transfer Approvals
That is the first line of the email. It couldn't be more official if it had a seal.
We wish to inform you that you have been recommended by my Bank, to pay you the sum of US$2,500,000.00
_ _ _ _ _
Conference room, top floor of a skyscraper in London
Bank: Mr. Alex, please email one ... shuffling through papers ... Mike Kenny, and inform him we are recommending, to ourselves, that he receive from us $2.5 million.
Mr. Alex: Okay, makes sense. What if he seeks to know why?
Bank: Shit, I don't know. Tell him ... "which is based on the understanding and current proposed legislative payment agreement" or something.
Mr. Alex: That's good, that's good. You can't argue legislation.
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By the way, that sentence makes absolutely no sense, but I am tempted to use it against my mother-in-law in conversation to see if works.
Mother-in-law: What's the deal with this new healthcare plan anyway?
Me: Well, the problem with it is that it's based on the understanding and current proposed legislative payment agreement.
Mother-in-law: I tell ya', those dang politicians ... the whole lot of them!
This bank's name is: Bank, fyi.
as a member of the financial services compensation scheme
I like how they tried to sneak in a little honesty there.
established under the financial services and market act 2000 as at 31 Dec, The Bank is subjected to pay all outstanding debts within the European Economic Areas and Deposits denominated in all currencies and treated alike.
What has two thumbs and lives in the European economic area of Arizona and once loaned a European Bank called "Bank" $2.5 million? This guy! I guess. I also greatly appreciate how this terrible, nonsensical writing is disguised as formal legalese.
To ensure we carry out our normal payment procedures accurately and to help in continually improve our services and interest of security; we therefore demand that you send your proper identity to confirm your person as the beneficiary. We shall also require you to confirm your acceptance to receive funds.
I like how it's on me to ensure that Bank carries out its procedures accurately ... and I do that by forking over my identity and confirming my acceptance to receive funds, which is a thing that doesn't make sense. That said, I will do that.
Please indicate correct telephone number, address and receiving Bank details.
"Yo, bank, it's Mike. Listen, Bank, in London or whatever, is going to be wiring $2.5 million into my account later today due to the uh, legislation or something. Long story. Anyway, I just sent them the routing number. So just an fyi-- ... what? What do you mean I don't have an account anymore? I no longer exist, you say? Tell that to my canker sore! Seriously though, what are you talking about?"
Further inquiries about HSBC Bank could be ascertain on Tel: +44 700 592 1528 ext 1
That is the worst telephone number I have ever seen. It's like, literally the first part of the number is something that doesn't exist on phones. Please send us your identity. If you any questions please call: fork68, the symbol for wind, 88645-12121=, hit number lock twice, then breathe lustily into the receiver until someone picks up. Thank you.