Thursday, September 19, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: Fund Release Confirmation .,

The subject header of this email is "Fund Release Confirmation (space) (period) (comma)"

Attention:

With that subject header? YOU HAVE IT.

I wish to remind you that after many attempts to reach you through our correspondence in your country which proved abortive,

Hold up, wait ... wait for a second, hold on, stop. Stop. STOP. First of all, there are like several hundred ways I can be reached. I have 38 Internet profile pages, plus a phone, plus email. Not to mention the mother freakin' U.S. of A. postal service, which can be trusted to deliver anything, anytime, sometimes, maybe. Did you even try to send one of your country's singing telegramists to my home or office? That is usually how the other countries that owe me money do it. I mean, how has your correspondence not reached me? I am going to kill my secretary. Oh, my bad - ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT.

Also, kudos on "proved abortive." Great phrasing, although it makes me regret we ever got drunk and metaphorically released our funds in the first place. I never thought it would lead to correspondence. I was only out to have a good time.

I am delighted to write you concerning your fund which is floating in our Transfer Hard Disk component.

Do you mean my fund is floating around like, digitally? Or is your Transfer Hard Disk component (!) in outer space, and I have a wad of cash with my name on it that is floating around up there? I am going to assume it is the latter, so please have your best astronaut grab it and then rocket himself back down to Earth to give it to me, thanks.

Based on this, you are requested to get back to me confirming your availability

I am available to receive random wads of cash Monday through Friday, 12 a.m. - 12 p.m., and Saturdays, same time. Also Sundays.

and your readiness to comply with our transfer proceeding so that we can pass an instruction to our corresponding bank in your country to recognize your Hard Disk Transfer Code and credit your account through Reserve Bank.

Me: Hello?

Blocked call: Michael Eduardo Kenneth Kenny?

Me: Close.

Blocked call: This is Bank of America, American affiliate of Bombay Republic Bank of Swiss Fundage. Have you readied yourself to comply with transfer proceeding? If yes, please grab nearby Bible or Koran and raise your right hand and say "yes."

Me: Yes.

Blocked call: Please now ready yourself for your Hard Disk transfer code by grabbing a ball point pen, writing down the code, and bringing it to any participating Bank of America to receive your funds. Ask for Hank and make air quotes when you do it. Confirm your readiness.

Me: Ready.

Blocked call: Your Hard Disk Transfer Code is: three ... eighty-nine ... "T" as in "shrimp tempura" ... a picture of a red barn ... quatro ... Smells Like Teen Spirit ... dollar sign ... emoticon for "feeling frisky" ... Beware of Dog sign ... seven ... Harry Belafonte's home telephone number, which you are responsible for retrieving ... rhombus ... all of Kobe Bryant's jersey numbers, including Olympics, listed in reverse order ... twelve ... "B" as in "bee" ... backspace.

Me: Got it.

Blocked call: This line of communication will self destruct in (slow voice) SIX SECONDS ...

Accept Our Esteem Gratitude while we awaits your prompt reply.

You are a cool writer. Any chance you have two first names?
   
Mr.Gerald N. Scott

4 comments:

troy said...

'Also, kudos on "proved abortive." Great phrasing, although it makes me regret we ever got drunk and metaphorically released our funds in the first place. I never thought it would lead to correspondence. I was only out to have a good time.'

Very, very, very possibly the greatest paragraph anybody's ever written ever. Just gotta finish The Pale King, then will get back to you.

mkenny59 said...

As usual, troy, you are too kind. Did DFW ever make abortion jokes as they relate to spam emails? I guess you will let me know.

Kevin W said...

Finally catching up on past posts. This has to be one of the funniest. As Troy noted, great line.

And "... a picture of a red barn ... quatro ... Smells Like Teen Spirit ... " caused two people to ask what is so funny as they walked past my office.

mkenny59 said...

Ha, thanks, Kevin! Much appreciated!