Well, I thought, she did it. She ordered them.
The previous evening, as I was trying to drift off to sleep in bed while my lovely wife sat next to me alert and on her iPad, she explained to me the details of our daughters’ annual checkups from that morning. The pediatrician had asked my wife if our older daughter was continuing to have sleep issues, and indeed she was, my wife told her. The pediatrician had a recommendation.
Maybe we should try having her wear these special glasses that reduce the impact of blue light and naturally produce melatonin in the body! My wife was on the
“It says here the glasses will help you sleep through the night and even help prevent obesity,” she said excitedly. “What do you think?”
“Sure, yeah, whatever,” I said because I was trying to sleep.
“Please look!” she said. “THIS IS ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER.”
I groggily opened my eyes to look at my wife’s iPad screen and was greeted by a picture of a mom who was wearing orange-tinted glasses and appeared not as if she were about to go to sleep, but instead like she was going to play third base during a day game.
“Those are … interesting,” I said, and plopped back on my pillow.
“The only problem is they’re $79,” my wife said. “And I think we should all wear them … ”
Those were the last words I heard as I, somehow without the aid of specialty orange glasses, drifted off to sleep. I think we should all wear them … all wear them … all wear them … ALL WEAR THEM …
I dreamed of us, as a family, getting ready for bed, each rocking our orange specialty sleep glasses. “These cool glasses really block out the blue light,” I say as I happily brush my teeth. Also I am brushing my teeth in the closet and knocking things over because I can’t see where I am. “And I feel at least three pounds lighter than yesterday!”
“I haven’t slept this well in ages, father,” says our 4-year-old daughter, “and teacher says my focus in the classroom is second-to-none!”
“The natural increase in melatonin has made me well-rested and quite frisky,” says my wife with a smile as she winks at me, although I don’t notice her winking because she is wearing huge orange glasses and also I am wearing the glasses, too.
“These glasses don’t work,” says our 3-year-old, who is wearing the glasses backwards.
“Ha, ha,” I say, “I love you, family.” And we all move in for a big family hug before retiring to our respective, uninterrupted eight to 10 hours of blissful sleep.
Was it all a dream, or my new reality? The glasses are the $8 Amazon knock-offs and not the exact ones that cool mom was wearing in the picture. (That Amazon describes them as "safety glasses" with an "anti-fog lens" makes me wonder if they're meant for something other than sleeping, but ... whatever!) They arrived last week.
The orange glasses were way too big for the girls, but it was very enjoyable to watch them try in vain to hold their heads up and keep their preparing-for-sleep glasses on while eating at the dinner table. So instead of returning them my wife ordered wraparound bands, which also did not fit. I returned everything. Except, that is, for our his and hers sleep glasses which, luckily for me, fit great! My wife wears them every night before bed, which is one way of her saying to me, "Nope, not tonight."
I wear them, too ... sometimes. Not really. Only if I don't want my wife to make a snide comment about how I'm not wearing my sleep glasses that she bought for me and also, "Good luck producing natural melatonin with all that blue light!" So yeah, sometimes I'll just put them on. For my own safety.
Note: This column appears in the 9/12 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/13 issue of the Peoria Times.