Thursday, August 29, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: Contact person:Mr.John Martins

Been waiting for my contact person for a hot minute. This seems legit.

Your total fund of $1,500,000.00 has been released and registered to deliver.

I hope there is someone at a money factory somewhere who saw my tightly packed bundle of $1.5 mil roll down the assembly line and stamped it in red: REGISTERED: MIKE KENNY, U.S. That is how money works, right? And then it's just delivered? Like on a truck?

It will be sent through dhl delivery company.

DHL delivery person: (rings doorbell)

Me: (answers door wearing overalls, no shirt) 'Sup.

DHL delivery person: Yeah, hey ... got a delivery for you here of a ... (checks clipboard) ... Hello Kitty sing-it-yourself microphone set?

Me: Nope.

DHL delivery person: (checks clipboard again) ... a ... wine refrigerator?

Me: Got one. (lifts up half empty bottle of Charles Shaw red for proof, takes swig)

DHL delivery person: (furiously flipping through pages of packing slips)

Me: Here's a hint: It's the one point five mil, homeslice.

DHL delivery person: Oh, geez, yeah. JUST saw it right here. My bad, sir. Just sign here, please.

Me: Also the Hello Kitty thing is mine, too.

So, contact Mr.John Martins, for your fund delivery Ask him how much  you will send to him for the approved stamp fee.

Me: Hi, Mr. John Martins? This is Mike. Kenny. Mike Kenny. I think you have my $1.5 million?

Mr. John Martins: Oh yes,certainly. I'm sitting on it now, keeping it warm.

Me: Dope. Listen - how much do I owe for the approved stamp fee?

Mr. John Martin: Yes, let me just check very quickly ... (types nonsense into keyboard) ... okay, for this package, according to the (mumbles), the stamp fee is $100,000.

Me: That seems like a lot.

Mr. John Martins: This huge wad of cash is uh, how you say in America, very heavy. Plus it's really nothing when you consider you're getting $1.5 million in return.

Me: You make some good points, Mr. John Martins. Do you accept credit cards and maybe my house?

The Eco-was and Federal High Court of justice Benin Republic are only require your file approved stamp fee

I don't even know what the hell that mess of words was all about, but I typed "the Federal High Court of Justice, Benin Republic" into Google and Google just laughed and laughed. Like, it couldn't even search it was laughing so hard. I was like, "Google! Get a hold of yourself, man! I am serious - there is $1.5 million at stake right now, and I need to see if this is worth the stamp fee!" That just made Google laugh even harder and so I never really found out if it is true that the Federal High Court of Justice, Benin Republic is a real thing. I'm pretty sure it is, though.

By the way, who is sending me this email?

Yours Sincerely
Mis.Thomas Wolf


Here are the formula options for spam emails to create fake American names:

Mr. (first name) + (first name), ex.: Mr. James Frank

Mr. (first name) + (first name but plural), ex.: Mr. John Martins

Mis. (male first name) + (animal/completion of name of famous novelist), ex.: Mis. Thomas Wolf

Anyway, I have not been at work for three weeks because I don't want to miss the DHL delivery of my money. I haven't seen a DHL truck in general in like eight years, but I'm pretty sure they'll get here today. Fingers crossed!

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