Thursday, September 12, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: Shooters Revolution

Hello,


I hope this message finds you well. I am  reaching out to you in hopes of support.


Let me guess - your parents were killed in the Shooters Revolution but they left behind $9.8 million in life insurance money that you'd like to transfer to my American account so that I can hold it for you while you make your way to America, where you will set up an orphanage for the less fortunate.

Myself and partners residence of Arizona have launched a new product, the Evo Basketball.

Oh.

The first smart basketball, the ball is equipped with a built in micro sensor that emits audible feedback when shot correctly.

Me: (shoots Evo Basketball)

Evo Basketball: Bad shot dumbaaaasssssss ... (emits fart sound) (clanks off rim)

Me: (gets rebound, trys a layup with Evo Basketball)

Evo Basketball: (emits sound of crowd cheering) (ball swishes through hoop) Nice shot! Why don't you get a little closer next time, Jimmy (laugh track) ...

When the sensor is removed the ball turns into a traditional playing basketball, making it the "do it all basketball",

What kind of ball is the Evo Basketball when the sensor is IN - a football? I don't know what this is about. Nevertheless, my whole life I have been searching for the "do it all basketball." I don't like it when the basketball I am playing basketball with is just being a regular basketball and just like, surrendering to the physics of my bodily movements. I'm always like, "MOTIVATE ME YOU STUPID BALL."

We have launched a campaign on kick starter  in order to raise money to create the molds that make the ball.

I want to contribute one thousand dollars to your Kickstarter campaign to create molding for talking basketballs. Will that help?

our goal is to raise $45,

...

in just 10 days we have already reached 42% of our goal.

You have raised $18.90 so far to buy the molding for your talking basketballs? I am sad. This is making me very sad. Forget Kickstarter, I have a better idea ...

(travels back in time)

Albert Spalding: La la di da, just creating another one of my cool basketballs ...

Me: Albert, wait!

Spalding: Who are you?

Me: I am Mike, from the future. Listen, why don't you add a sensor so the ball can provide feedback to the player instead of just being a stupid ball?

Spalding: Well, we don't have that kind of technology here in 1894.

Me: Here you go. (hands him Evo Basketball sensor)

Sensor: Y'all doin' it wrong, homeboy! Gotta create the molding like THIS ... (explodes)

Spalding: Uh, not sure what that was all about. Also, the "feedback" will be whether or not the ball goes in the basket.

Me: ...

Spalding: ...

Me: ...

Spalding: ...

Me: That is stupid. You are stupid. (travels back to present day, contributes life savings to Evo basketball Kickstarter fund, becomes famous investor and also goes to the NBA and dunks on LeBron James with Evo Basketball and the Evo Basketball talks trash to LeBron James and then LeBron James cries and never plays basketball again)

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