Thursday, August 22, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: Are you ahead of the curve? Tap into the power of Social Media

What is "social media?"

Dear Colleague,

colleague: Noun. 1) A person with whom one works, esp. in a profession or business. Synonyms: fellow, mate, fellow worker, friend. 2) A person you don't know at all who emailed you once and probably doesn't exist. Synonyms: weirdo, who is this?, Bigfoot, spambot

Looking for an excuse to get out of the office?

No. I am a grown-ass man. If I want to leave the office, I just clock out, sign the sign-out sheet, leave my driver's license and other identification on my boss' desk, attach my ankle monitor, and go get some fresh air for the allotted 45 seconds. Sheesh, this ain't CHINA.

Why not join your Social Media marketing peers at the Two Day Social Media Strategy Seminar in Atlantic City, NJ.

Besides it being a MASSIVE waste of time and resources? THERE IS NO REASON WHY NOT! Nevertheless, do you have any reasons why I actually should? I have to run this by my boss ...

5 Reasons to Register for this Must-Attend Two Day Event:

- Find out which social media options are right for your business
- Increase your search visibility with up-to-date social SEO practices
- Discover the value of online presence – effectively manage online reputation
- Gain new customers and revenue by incorporating a video strategy
- Jump on the bandwagon with a full appreciation of movement marketing


Sounds amazing! Here are my answers to this quiz:

- Facebook, Twitter, Buzzfeed, Blogs, LinkedVine, GameCast, Internet, Match.com, Twitpic, BizzProfile.net
- nonsense
- find out how to pay someone to delete all those hateful comments people posted online about your terrible company
- create a video, gain zero new customers but at least you made a video
- metaphorically jump on a bandwagon and gain an appreciation of a nonsensical term (This event costs $5,000 per person.)

Are there any benefits to ME, the person?

Benefits for YOU:

- You will be able to discover how to become a relevant part of customers’ online experience
- You will be able to identify methods to increase lead generation efforts
- You will be able to uncover proven social SEO tactics
- You will be able to track, as well as measure, social media efforts


- create lasting friendships and romantic relationships by approving and "liking" inane comments
- (punches self in face)
- discover how to type your company's name into Google ... WITH YOUR KEYBOARD
- find the part of your company's Facebook page where you can see graphs that outline the non-effect of your lukewarm social media efforts

My boss wants to know if I can earn any work credits if I go so I can "finally graduate from this job ... "

Earn Continuing Education Credits:
Certificate of Marketing Merit 1.0


Cool!

Y'ALL THOUGHT I'D NEVER AMOUNT TO NUTHIN - EAT IT HATERS, GOT MY CERTIFICATE OF MARKETING MERIT (slow voice) ONE POINT OHHHHHH

Anything else I should know?

Don’t Miss - Atlantic City Attractions:

- Shopping: The Pier Shops at Caesars featuring elite brands including Tiffany & Co., Burberry, Hugo Boss and others; Tanger Outlets – The Walk spreads out over 15-city blocks and features outlet shopping from brands such as, J. Crew, Michael Kors, and much more
- Dining: Restaurants from famous chefs including Bobby Flay, Wolfgang Puck, and others
- Spas: Elizabeth Arden Red Door Spa, Bluemercury Spa and Qua Baths and Spa
- Salt water taffy, originated on the Boardwalk in 1883
- Historic Steel Pier featuring rides for kids of all ages


It's going to be difficult to learn and retain strategies for improving my company's outreach if I'm not wearing the newest threads from Hugo Boss, so this is mad dope on the info tip. Def tryin' to get my spa on while increasing lead generation efforts -- gonna get an hour-long neck massage while being fed salt water taffy by a scantily-clad Wolfgang Puck. PLUS no trip to Atlantic City is complete without a walk on the HISTORIC STEEL PIER. It would be like going to France for a conference about computer software and NOT stopping by that chateau where Charlie Brown stayed.

Can’t Attend?
Click here to register for a complete copy of the two-day seminar’s material, including a CD & Manual


CD? What is this, 1998? (burn) Why don't you just post it on your Facebook page? (double burn)

Don’t delay, reserve your seat today. Multiple attendee discount available-
Receive $100 off for each additional attendee registration.


One hundred dollars OFF? This costs more than one hundred dollars? I won't have any money left for salt water taffy! I'm out yo, peeeeeace.

1 comment:

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