Thursday, October 18, 2012

Spam email of the week

Subject: Auto insurance (9/17/2012)

I work at a weekly newspaper, so it's important I'm up to speed (pun) on the latest news re: car insurance. Also, FINALLY someone has the wherewithal to include the date of the sent email in the subject header. I mean, is that so hard to do? Like many people who use email, I am not able to sort my email by date, and thus I am frequently saying things like, "Argh! Where is that email from whoever about whatevs from Tuesday the 23rd? WHY IS MY DEFAULT EMAIL SORT SETTING ON 'CAT MENTIONS' AND HOW DO I FIX IT?"

Our company is part of a platform of nearly 37 million people,

Whoa, slow your roll, playa! Not even a greeting? No, "Hello Beloved," or "To my sincerest" or "DEAR NEWSPAPER?" I'm offended.

Okay I'm over it. Go on with this thing about your company being part of a platform, which doesn't mean anything or make sense.

mostly United States and Canadian based.

Cool. Like many, I don't want to be dealing with no ASIANS. Continue.

What we do gives us the ability to present our end users with a first choice when they look for anything on any of the major search engines.

That is very specific and explanatory. I like how what your company does gives it the ability to do something. A lot of companies are like, "We do this," and I'm like, "Okaaaay. But does it give you the ability to do something?" No response. Also, what about the end users? What if the end users try to search something on the Internet and they don't get a first choice? I hate when I Google something and the first choice that comes up is the 107th choice.

But wait. If I understand this correctly, and I don't, what your company does is provide auto insurance quotes to Internet users who search for anything. So I could be like, let me search for "home remedies for acid reflux," and then BAM -- auto insurance quote that I didn't even need or want, and I still have acid reflux. This seems like a thing a lot of people would want and like.

We're looking for a preferred source to send our users searching for auto insurance in Glendale and surrounding markets.

LET ME BE THAT SOURCE. Again, I work at a newspaper, so it only makes sense that I'd be on the front lines of providing Internet search engines a place to find auto insurance quotes. In fact, let's do this now. When are you in the office and in what time zone?

I’m in the office weekdays from 9:00 AM to 5:00 PM Pacific time.

Sweet.

Yours truly,

Mike Beale     
Service Analyst, SPS Search     
Phone: (877) 709-6971, ext.  1194


Mike Beale is a service analyst for SPS Search, although this email is from mikeb@ngportal.net. Also, I called the number -- really, I did -- and per the recording, the company's actual name is "SPN Search," which, whatever. I also dialed the listed extension, which led me to one of the creepiest away messages I've heard in some time, and which failed to mention an actual name. I detected a sense of irony that a company claiming to specialize in search engine results cannot nail down a name for itself, but I wasn't sure if that was actually irony or just weird, so I Googled "irony" and now I have a different car insurance company, so the day was not completely wasted.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Great breakdown of a spammy spam! We get so much junk, that it sometimes easiest to just google the darn thing - and find that everyone else has received! By the way, ours was for "commercial cleaning supplies". :)

Anonymous said...

Outstanding article. Matt graced me with the same message today "Auto Dealers (7/10/2014)", except they've grown! 37 million? Pshaw. 40 million now sucka. I can't imagine spending one second with these clowns, let alone one cent.