Thursday, October 11, 2012

Spam email of the week

Subject: Funding Request From Kelcarter Investment Limited

Here is an email from Kelcarter Investment Limited that is desperately seeking to loan me money. If I remember one thing from the street smarts I obtained growing up and living near a street, it is this: ALWAYS trust when someone is trying to give you money. It should be mentioned, however, that Kelcarter Investment Limited is not a thing that exists. I Googled them and nothing of that name came up. I mean, you have to really not exist for Google not to return something, especially considering that is a great name for a band. Nevertheless, I will not hold their nonexistence as a company against them for the time being.

Dear Valued Partner,

Presumptuous, although it's good to know SOMEBODY values me as a partner. Just kidding babe, love you, smooches!

We will like to be a financial partner in your business transaction.

How did they know about my potential business transaction? I didn't even know about my business transaction. This is crazy. That said, yes -- of course you can be a partner.

The weird thing is, I think I can safely say I have never in my life been an active part what could be described as a business transaction. Granted, my idea of a business transaction is one that occurs in a high-rise office conference room where a suitcase full of money changes hands and/or a gigantic check is doled out and there are a lot of people there taking pictures. And then the transaction is really not what it seems because the guy with the money TAKES OFF HIS MASK! BANG-BANG GET HIM, HE WENT THAT WAY! CAR CHASE!!!!!

Anyway, my inability to become a part of a business transaction is probably a major reason why I am here making fun of spam emails on a blog.

Moreso, we are ready to facilitate and fund any business that is capable of generating Three(3) to Ten(10) Percent(%) annual return on investment (AROI) depending on the fund you are requesting.

I would like a loan of $150,000 at 0.0% interest to start my company that manufactures pillow cases that don't turn yellowish-brown when you sleep on them. I plan to generate anywhere in between 0-35 percent annual return on investment, depending on whether or not I am the only person who turns his pillow case yellow. I hope I qualify!

I have to say that I always enjoy the parenthesis after a written number that includes the numeric digit, just in case you are an idiot that cannot process words, in which case you couldn't read any of the email anyway.

Please contact me with your funding requirements/BP for review for a possible business collaboration on williams@kelcarterinvestment.com
I await your response and your Business Plan

Oh, so what, you want like, something in Excel? Pfft. Forget it.

Williams Smith
Chief Executive Officer
© 2012, Kelcarter Global Investors Limited.
Email: williams@kelcarterinvestment.com


Your name is Williams Smith? It's like you guys aren't even trying anymore.

In conclusion, this is an email from Williams Smith, the CEO of a company that doesn't exist but wants to loan me money. Also, this email actually arrived from Robin.Hughes@wvinsurance.gov, which is a company that sort of exists ... in West Virginia. I hope this has all been as worthwhile for you and as it has been for me. Smooches!

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