Classic card of the week

Randy Johnson, 2000 Stadium Club (Topps)

It’s not like there was an exact time when the sports memorabilia phase hit rock bottom, but it was definitely the exact moment when this card was released. Hey kids, here is some dirt! Enjoy! Nothing exemplifies the purity of baseball like pre-packaged pitcher’s mound dirt, placed in a see-through peephole on the front of a baseball card that features one of the surliest men to ever take the mound. Let’s, for a second, ignore the fact that we are left to assume that this dirt is from the mound, and game, featured on this card, yet is probably from, at the very worst, the parking lot of Topps headquarters, or, at the very best, the same mound where Sam McDouche lasted an inning and a third against the Single A Birmingham Bellhops back in May of 1997. Yeah, let’s ignore that. Let’s say it is “authentic game-used pitcher’s mound dirt,” trounced upon by the one and only, very sexy Randy Johnson. So…now what? What do I do? Now that I am $10 poorer after purchasing this piece of crap card, what should I do? Show it off to my friends? Hey guys, come on over and check out my new dirt! It’s authentic! DON’T TOUCH! Geez. I mean, there’s an allure to memorabilia like autographs, game-caught foul balls, and certain baseball cards, because there are memories (memories…memorabilia, weird) attached to these things. Now we have baseball card companies jamming memories that we never had down our throats so they can make a quick buck, and their big idea is, literally, dirt. Appease the idiot masses. Let them eat cake! Nay – let them watch dirt! Seriously though, what could be lower than making us pay extra for dirt? Poop, maybe? Do they have authentic, game-used poop? And if so, how much is it? Because I don’t know about you, but I have money to burn. On dirt and feces. Apparently, other cards in this series included small splinters from “game used” bats (Ouch, my baseball card poked me in the thigh!), clippings from “game-worn” jerseys (Wait, which team wears turquoise blue with polka dots?), real nose hair (These boogers even taste authentic!), and the actual whiteheads popped out of real steroid acne (Hey, there’s blood in yours! Lucky…).

Did you know?
The Kenny Rogers' card featuring game-used dirt, oddly enough, always seemed to stick to the packaging.