Classic card of the week

Alan Ogg, 1991-92 Upper Deck

Few names rolled of the tongue like Alan Ogg, and few players rolled with less game than Ogg himself, who was the Michael Jordan of non-Michael Jordanness. To his credit though, Alan Ogg was the tallest man to ever walk the face of the earth, and was most likely, at some point in his insanely tall youth, mercilessly coerced to join the basketball ranks by some sleazy AAU coach, even though Ogg preferred science fiction novels to awkwardly running up and down a basketball court while wearing eight knee braces. One thing that separated Ogg from the other humongous, incompetent big men of his day was the fact that he actually looked and seemed kind of normal. Ya’ know, for a 12-foot tall person. Unlike Shawn Bradley, he actually had some meat on his bones, and wasn’t dunked on at least 18 times by every NBA player with the capability to dunk the ball. Unlike Gheorghe Muresan, he never used his extreme size and non-athleticism to coerce Billy Crystal to make a horrible movie. And unlike Manute Bol, he didn’t like hockey. Or boxing. Ogg was valedictorian of his high school graduating class, and he gave an in-depth thesis on the 2-3 zone, and how it related to the 1980’s American military defense tactics in Iran. Alan Ogg averaged a whopping 1.7 points per game during the 1990-91 season for the Maimi Heat. When asked how a person could score .7 points during a game, Ogg stated that it often happened when he would dunk the ball while standing under the basket, and the ball would then hit him in the head and pop out of the basket. Alan Ogg was also adept at blocking shots, but he never developed an intimidating shot-blocking celebration, such as the Dikembe Mutombo finger-wag. It was this lack of a finger wag that would ultimately drive Ogg out of the NBA, as opposing players were willing to have their shots blocked without repercussions.

Did you know?
Alan Ogg once hit his head on the Jumbotron during the opening tip-off, delaying the game 18 minutes.