So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Let’s start with the premise. Want to make your bank mad? Yes. Yes I do. More than you could ever know. I spend every waking moment conjuring up ways to anger the institution I’ve assigned as the caretaker of my money. I have egged my bank’s house (bank), prank called them multiple times—“More like TD SKANK!” “I’m sorry I didn’t g—” “Your mom!” (hangs up) —and steadfastly refuse to understand what escrow means. I have bravely exposed several fake banks, namely BANK , via spam email posts and I generally hate banks, especially my bank. So yes, you can say I’d like to make them mad. And you bet your sweet patooty I’m willing to try this mortgage trick. This teaser seems to imply that the mortgage trick is rolling up your change and using that to pay your mortgage, which is hilarious but also quite cumbersome for me, the hater. Feels like the hatee should be the victim here. Besides, I’ve been sent away from my bank for merely trying to deposit rolled-up change —yet anoth...

IT’S THE FACEBOOK FEATHER, YA’LL PRECIOUS FAMILY FOREVER KINDLY HELP THIS FEATHER, A REASONABLE REQUEST IF YOU LEAVE THIS FEATHER SITTING HERE YOU ARE A TRUE BLUE ASSHOLE THE FEATHER MADE IT TO THE ST. LOUIS AREA YOU GUYS IT MIGHT HAVE PLAYED A ROLE IN A RELIGIOUS AWAKENING LINDA IS 65 NOT RELEVANT BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY 65 IS THE NEW FEATHER DOESN'T LOOK A DAY OVER 88 THIS COMMENT HAS 43 LIKES AND 19 REPLIES FYI A LITTLE SLICE OF HISTORY FOR YA’ SHOUT OUT TO IMMIGRATION ITALIAN PEOPLE THEY CAME AND SOME RAISED THE FACEBOOK FEATHER WAS AT ELLIS ISLAND, CHANGED DA GAME “YOU KEEP ON YOUR GRIND, NAN BOOK” – FEATHER I DON’T THINK YOU KNOW WHAT RETIREMENT MEANS BUT OK EVERYONE ON FACEBOOK IS PRECIOUS TO AMELIA WHO DOESN’T HAVE A PROFILE PIC PRECIOUS FAMILY FOREVER, AMELIA IS LIVING IT ARE YOU THE FEATHER IS DEAD RIP FACEBOOK FEATHER YOU FLEW FAR AND WIDE BUT WERE SHOT DOWN BY...

Subject: I am intrigued. From: luckythai@optusnet.com.au Ever notice how all Thai restaurants have “Thai” in their name? It’s like, we get it—you’re from Asia or whatever. Another thing is why do you drive on a parkway and park in a driveway? What’s the deal with lawyers, amirite? Olive Garden isn’t even good. How is the situation of things over there regards to the economic standard? (checks situation of things over here regards to economic standard) Pretty good, I guess. (checks situation of things over here regards to economic standard again just to be sure) Actually, pretty bad. It’s bad. I have a proposal, Oh thank goodness. I hope it involves opening a restaurant called Lucky Thai. You can cook and I will manage the economic standard. First we’ll need plates and I know just the g- lets talk more on my private email : Is it not OK to talk more on this email? Are people listening? Dammit, I just gave away the Lucky Thai concept. johns...

The background is this: Uncle Paul ( Tony’s brother-in-law) has just sent an email attempting to arrange another Sedona hike this winter. Here is Tony’s response, sent eight days after the original email, for what it’s worth: Hi my BOYS, I like something with the  with tectonic plates shifting and grinding and twerking below ground SO I'm in Let's discuss some dates please Time for the BREAKDOWN. Hi my BOYS, The BOYS in all CAPS, to me, represents Tony’s excitement at the all-guys nature of this nature hike. I do not fault him in the least for this. He was similarly excited for our participation in the Tough Mudder when he passionately suggested our team name should be FORCE FLEX. I like something I think this is a good start to any email. We all like something. This is relatable. I am hooked. I like something with the  with tectonic plates It’s safe to say no one in the history of the world has ever penned these words exactly as such. L...

I think it was second semester when Steve walked in—late, of course—to computer class during our freshman year of high school. He was assigned to sit right next to me, and I decided fairly quickly that I pretty much hated him. He had a casual arrogance, an indifference to everything, the required shirt and tie as sloppy as possible yet mostly hidden behind an absurdly large winter coat that went to his knees. I could smell the smoke and sleep on him the second he sat down. I was annoyed. He seemed to me like a “bad kid” cliché. Being forced to sit next to someone every day will either heighten the angst or relieve the tension, and in this case, it was the latter. We found the common ground of making fun of Mr. Mulligan, our large, red-faced computer teacher. Our seats were in the back corner, against the wall and shielded by a sea of computer monitors, and, combined with Mulligan’s laissez faire style, we could get away with most anything. One day Steve said, “Watch this …” showe...

HAPPY TUESDAY MOTHER EFFERS EVERY TUESDAY SHOULD BE VALENTINE’S DAY IMO HERE ARE SOME ROSES PLEASE PUT THEM IN YOUR TUESDAY VASE ALSO I WROTE YOU A LETTER THE LETTER IS HEARTS OPEN THE HEARTS THEY SAY “HAPPY TUESDAY MORNING I AM MENTALLY UNSTABLE” YO SUN, CHILL WITH THE COFFEE, SON EYES ABOUT TO POP OUT YOUR SUN HEAD DAMN SUN YOU ARE HIGH ON TUESDAY AND ALSO PCP MAYBE ALSO YOU GOT A HEART MUSTACHE LOL OR A CLEFT HEART LIP IN WHICH CASE, SAMSIES HEARTS STRAIGHT POPPIN’ OUT YO’ COFFEE WHAT IS HAPPENING ALSO HOW ARE YOU EVEN HOLDING THAT MUG WHERE ARE YOUR ARMS MAYBE YOU ARE PACMAN WHO CARES HAPPY TUESDAY I LOVE THIS PICTURE ANYONE ELSE IT MAKE ME HAPPY, TOO “BECAUSE IT MAKE ME HAPPPPPYYYY” – PHARRRELL, ALSO PATRICIA BTW PHARRELL’S BIG HAT LOL DAMMIT BOBBI THE MESSAGE WAS “HAPPY TUESDAY” GET A GRIP I’LL HAVE WHAT SHE’S HAVING YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS TO THIS MEME ARE BEYOND REPROACH, JOYCE G...

DANG WALMART PRETTY SURE YOU JUST GOT OWNED BY SYLVESTER THE CAT IT’S ABOUT TIME SOMEBODY OR A CAT SAID THIS OPEN ALL THE REGISTERS WALMART OR ELSE WE’LL MAKE ANOTHER MEME AND GET LESHAUNDA ON YOUR ASS YOU GOT SERVED, HOW IS WALMART EVER GONNA SHOW ITS FACE AGAIN IN PUBLIC ACTUALLY MOVE OVER SYLVESTER THE CAT AND LESHAUNDA—LAVERNE IS THE NEW LEADER OF THE MOVEMENT TO NOT WAIT LIKE THREE EXTRA MINUTES LAVERNE, PREACH WALMART: UHHHH YES ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO LAVERNE’S COMMENT ON THIS CARTOON MEME FROM A WEIRD FACEBOOK PAGE, BILLION-DOLLAR RETAIL CONGLOMERATE? I DON’T KNOW WHAT A HOADER IS BUT THIS IS A GREAT COMMENT, VERY RELEVANT TO THE DISCUSSION AT HAND FOUR LIKES KAREN BE WAITING IN LINE AT WALMART WITH A SHOPPING CART FULL OF BOOKS LIKE “I HAVE NO TIME TO READ THESE LOL THIS REGISTER IS CLOSED I GUESS” AND ON THE SEVENTH DAY HE SAID, “THOU SHALT BE A WALMART TO TEACH THEM PATIENCE AND SELF CONTROL” JOB ...

Subject: YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE NEEDED FOR INVESTMENT OF 42.5M OK. I am dope at investing. (dopeinvesting.com, promo code “2dope”) Dear Friend. “Friend” need not be capitalized; that should be a comma or colon, not a period; I am not your friend. Other than that, solid start. RE-42,500,000.00(FOURTH TWO MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND EURO) INVESTMENT. Technically it’s negative fourth two million, five hundred thousand euro, but I don’t want to be that guy. I wish this proposals will not embarrass you as I had no previous correspondence with you. I’m not sure why I would be embarrassed since “this proposals” was your idea and also (falls down stairs, pants fall down, farts, gets up, brushes self off, elongated fart) … Go on. I am Mr.Ali Rohit,a Libyan nationality. My objective is to establish a viable business relationship with you. Objective: met. I just sent you a link to Go To Meeting. Let’s get our business relationship on. I was a member of Lat...

You know what they say— give a man a good chart and blow his mind for a day. Give a man 10 good charts and feed him for lifetime. Because one of those charts is bound to be about fishing. Anyway, that is the saying. This teaser link is interesting in that it’s not overtly sexual; however, I should mention that I did not actually click on the link, so it very well might be—probably is , actually—10 sex charts. That will blow a lot of minds. But even if this link isn’t about sex charts, good luck getting me NOT to click a teaser link about charts … despite the fact that I recently admitted to not clicking on this particular link. I was busy at the time and then I forgot. My point is that I love charts and enjoy having my mind blown by the intensity of various charts. Charts4dayyysszz is my motto and also my Instagram handle. Instagram is another good place to go for charts. If you follow me. Most people there post pictures, which is hella lame. #charts The chart on this ...

UH NO WHAT I DON’T WHAT GHOST BE POPPING OUT OF A PUMPIN AND DROPPING BIG SLOPPY WHITE DIARRHEA ALL OVER THE PLACE AND THIS GUY BE LIKE WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE DOES ANYBODY UNDERSTAND WHAT IS JOT WITH POOP EITHER WAY YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GET A NEW JOB MONSTER.COM GET IT? BECAUSE OF HALLO- THANK YOU SHANKAR SERIOUSLY WHERE AM I IS THIS ALL A DREAM WHO CAN MAKE SENSE OF THIS SOLID POINT NELISSA PERSONALLY I’D RATHER BE HIT WITH NO SHITS IS THAT AN OPTION EVERYONE COMMENTING HERE IS A FULL-GROWN ADULT FYI YES MARTHA THIS *IS* GREAT REALLY GREAT VERY GREAT SO GREAT THE GREATEST LMFAO

GUY HIT A FIELD GOAL THE FIELD GOAL WAS GOOD, IN LAYMAN'S TERMS IT WAS THE KICKER ON MY FAVORITE FOOTBALL TEAM THAT’S THREE POINTS FOR US THIS IS BIG NEWS ON THE FOOTBALL FRONT HOW DO I CAPTURE MY EXCITEMENT BOOM THIS IS STRAIGHT FIRE COULDN’T FIND A PICTURE OF THE FIELD GOAL SO I USED A PICTURE OF HIM KICKING OFF BUT I THINK I MADE MY POINT SPEAKING OF POINTS CHECK OUT THE DOUBLE EXCLAMATION POINTS THAT WAS FRANK’S IDEA CHECK OUT CARDS CORNER FOR MORE BLAZING HOT MEMES CARDS IS SHORT FOR CARDINALS MY FAVORITE FOOTBALL TEAM

PREACH, DONALD DUCK DONALD DUCK ‘BOUT TO CHANGE THE GAME WHEN IT COMES TO STANDARDIZED PERCEPTIONS OF BEAUTY IF YOU HAVE A BIG HEART AND A BIG BUTT THAT IS GOOD SMALL HEART AND A SMALL BUTT THAT IS BAD SMALL HEART AND A BIG BUTT I’M NOT SURE FOR YEARS I’VE BEEN JUDGING PEOPLE BY THE SIZE OF THEIR JEANS I EVEN JUDGED MJ @fart big jeans much mj? pic.twitter.com/pPVjjp8IBM — 9 followers (@realstevejobs2) December 11, 2014 I WAS WRONG THO “DON’T JUDGE PEOPLE BY THE SIZE OF THEIR JEANS.” – PANTSLESS DUCK ALSO THE BIBLE MAYBE LET’S GO TO THE COMMENTS YES, FINALLY, I HAVE NEVER HEARD THIS SENTIMENT BEFORE IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE THIS IS GROUNDBREAKING STUFF WELCOME TO THE INTERNET MELODI, YOU SHOULD GOOGLE SIR MIX-A-LOT THAT IS A GOOD PRAYER NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP, I PRAYER GUYS WILL TALK TO ME EVEN THOUGH  I HAVE A BIG BOOTY AND NO PROFILE PIC AMEN IF THAT’S HOW YOUR BEAUTY TALK IT MIGHT BE BETTE...

Well here I am thinking I know everything there is to know about the Ivory Coast. Here are 18 things I DID know about the Ivory Coast: 1)       It’s a place. 2)       It’s coastal. 3)       It’s where ivory comes from (?). 4)       Dudes are mad buff. 5)       “Welcome to the IC, bitch.” 6)       Oh it’s on Wikipedia. 7)       It is a country in West Africa. 8)       Its capital is Yamoussoukro. 9)       Felix Houphouët-Boigny's one-party rule was not amenable to political competition. I could go on—my 18 and yours are probably samsies—but you get the point. This teaser ad is right in my wheelhouse because most of my time spent on the Internet is a subconscious search for obscure Ivory Coast information that I can shove in...

I had the girls for a few hours, SOLO, over the weekend. I decided, hey, let’s do something fun! It should be mentioned that this thought process never produces positive results, but I was convinced that this time it would. I am a sucker. It was the first day since April that it wasn’t 100-something degrees, so I thought we should take advantage. (I remember being a kid in New Jersey when it would hit like 50 degrees on a random late winter day, and I’d excitedly venture outside wearing shorts and a T-shirt. It’s the same thing here, just the complete opposite—it’s 99 degrees and slightly overcast, so I put on a hooded sweatshirt and search the neighborhood for signs of life amid the scorched earth.) I grabbed the Razor scooter our youngest had received for her birthday and the bike that was ALSO hers but that I would let our oldest ride. They spotted me putting air in the bike’s tires and darn near lost their minds at the realization we’d be riding around the neighborhood. Now, ...