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Craig Worthington, 1991 Score Let’s pretend, for fun, that we are not aware that this is a Craig Worthington baseball card we are looking at, okay? Just trust me. He has quick reflexes and goes well to his left and right, covering a vast amount of ground around third base and throwing with a powerful, accurate arm for the Orioles. Who does that remind you of? Brooks Robinson? Yeah! I mean, if this wasn’t written in the present tense! Doug DiCinces? Not really, but…okay, yeah! It may have helped jog my memory though if you had spelled Doug DeCinces correctly, as nobody, really, reminds me of Doug DiCinces. You’re wrong on both counts. WHAT??!!!???!!!!????!!!!!???? It’s Craig So wait. You’re telling me that the biographical tidbit contained on the back of this Craig Worthington card is about Craig Worthington? I am dumbfounded. This has really caught me off guard. I also appreciate that I am wrong about being reminded of different baseball players when the author’s intent is to speak of ...

Note: This column appears in the 9/30 issue of The Glendale Star and the 10/1 issue of the Peoria Times The other day I was driving to work and, as usual, some guy in a monster pick-up truck was riding my bumper. And he was mad at me . There is a light at 91st and Grand, near the 101. I was making a left onto Grand, and I could tell this guy was too, not because of his turn signal , which he refused to use, but because his vehicle was in my back seat. I had missed the green arrow, and the traffic light was now just green, and so in order to turn I was forced to wait for the oncoming traffic to break. Now, on these occasions, most people -– and everyone in this state –- moves out into the middle of the intersection to wait, so if the traffic never breaks, the turn can be made after the light turns red. I am honestly uncertain if this is legal or not, but I no longer do this. A couple of years ago, my wife was involved in an accident when she thought it was safe to turn left on a yellow...

Rob Konrad, 1999 Topps Rob Konrad is one happy fellow. Perhaps it is because he has reached the open field, with no defenders in sight. Perhaps it is because, as this card subtly mentions many, many times, he is a 1999 NFL Draft pick. Or, perhaps it is his new, boy-band-infused haircut: Either way, Rob Konrad is living large. Let us discover more. It is not often a team can find a player with the size of a small lineman, the speed of a tailback, and the pass catching ability of a tight end. Indeed, Rob Konrad encompassed, in one person, what every NFL team was looking for at the time: small linemen, fast tailbacks, and the pass-catching ability of a blocker. Unfortunately for Rob Konrad, he played none of these positions in the NFL, but was, rather, a fullback. But Rob Konrad, it should be stated, did and continues to do what fullbacks do best: manage wealth via private equity funds. Sayeth Wikipedia : Konrad is currently the CEO of Alterna Wealth Management (a registered investment a...

Note: This column appears in the 9/23 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/24 issue of the Peoria Times We are vegetarians, my wife and I, and so when we go hunting we typically hunt for farmer’s markets. This was our intention two Saturdays ago, our hunt very defined in that Westgate was having a farmer’s market that day. Having found out about this event weeks earlier, our anticipation had increased our excitement, as did the fact that it was a beautiful Saturday morning, the chance to finally venture outside of the house -– to get fresh vegetables, no less! -– signifying the beginning of the end of another endless summer. It didn’t even matter that Westgate is approximately 40 minutes from our house. Not that helping the environment and local farmers is our sole reason for attending farmer’s markets –- we actually enjoy eating the vegetables of our labor, too –- but the irony of burning lots of gas in order to purchase organic fruits and veggies was not lost on us. But hey, whatever...

Eric Hillman, 1994 Topps Gold I would like to switch things up a bit today, and start here with Wikipedia , which I find, in this particular instance, to have surpassed even its own reputation for awesomeness. We shall begin with the famous biographical category –- and, in this case, the only category -– “Nippon Professional Baseball career.” Off we go: He also played four seasons in Japan. Now that is a lede. He firstly played with the Chiba Lotte Marines where Bobby Valentine was a manager at that time. Let me say, firstly: a manager, or the manager? Was Chiba Lotte Marines a place wherein Bobby Valentine did some managing? Or was Bobby Valentine one of the many managers that the Chiba Lotte Marines employed at this time? In 1995, his first season in Japan, Hillman had 12 wins and 9 losses. In 1996 he logged 14 wins and 9 losses, and was voted to the best nine Hillman was also voted the MVP of the 1996 All-Star-game.. A few lessons to be learned here. Firstly, what is “the best nine?...

Note: This column appears in the 9/16 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/17 issue of the Peoria Times We embarked on a family drive to California over Labor Day weekend. We departed for this six-hour trip at around the same time our daughter usually goes to bed, as was our purpose, hoping that she would sleep. She did not sleep. Not for the first two hours, at least. Instead, she cried, screamed, and whined incessantly. When her whining would settle down into what we thought would be a deep sleep, she would scream herself awake again and start from scratch. For two straight hours, while driving my car, not even one-third into a long trip, my ears rang and my head ached. I go through stages of emotion during moments like this. Typically the more patient one in our marriage, I initially pride myself on that virtue, and try to laugh off the craziness with jokes and a lighthearted, one-sided conversation with our screaming child. When that inevitably does nothing, I sort of zone out, and...

Bobby Higginson, 1999 Topps I don’t know a lot about Bobby Higginson. But I have heard things. Crazy things. The reputation of Bobby Higginson – one that we are all too familiar with, I am sure -– speaks to his ferocious competitiveness, and also to his competitive ferociousness. He plays baseball, I have heard, like a fighter who fights things. He fights baseballs, ferociously, and wins. This is his reputation. And not that I would ever doubt Bobby Higginson in a million, trillion years, but still, I must ask, in a strange grammatical fashion: Does Bobby Higginson come by his reputation as a ferocious competitor honestly? Bobby Higginson comes by his reputation as a ferocious competitor honestly. Whew! For a second there I was very worried that I had Bobby Higginson all wrong. But now I am okay. I knew a guy in college who did not come by his reputation honestly, or, rather, did come by his reputation dishonestly. It was not cool. He is the grandson of boxer Gus Dorazio, who faced Joe...

Note: This column appears in the 9/9 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/10 issue of the Peoria Times Almost everything in my wallet relates, in some way, to Dunkin' Donuts. For starters, I have a Dunkin' Donuts card. It's like a debit card that I registered online, and which tracks my spending and earns me Dunkin' Donuts rewards. A few weeks ago I received one of my awards in the mail -- a coupon for a free medium coffee! -- and it was one of the happiest moments of my life. I also "recharge" this card online by adding money to it. According to my American Express online pie chart, more than 60-percent of my spending is applied to "coffee and coffee-related products." I also have a Dunkin' Donuts punch card with me, always. Whenever I purchase a coffee there, Dunkin' Donuts will punch it, and when it's finished, I get...a free medium coffee! Whenever I cash in this free coffee I make sure to get a new punch card immediately, and sometim...

Jeromy Burnitz, 1991 Upper Deck Prospects When the Mets selected Burnitz in the first round of the ’90 draft out of Oklahoma State University, many critics thought New York drafted him too high. Mets ? Criticized for personnel decisions? Really ? Weird. After all, he never matched his .403 freshman season and struggled against left-handed pitching as a junior. In the Mets’ defense, I’m not entirely sure that “hitting over .400 only once” and “being a young left-handed hitter that struggled against left-handed pitching one year” necessarily qualify as valid reasons to avoid selecting a player high in the draft. Nevertheless, what did the Mets see in Burnitz? The Mets, however, were sold on Burnitz, who attained the highest score ever on a psychological test the New York Mets administrators give to all prospective draftees. Question 21: What is your favorite color? A. Lilac B. Blue is my favorite color, but my least favorite feeling, Go figure C. Auburn D. My favorite color is subjective...

Note: This column appears in the 9/2 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/3 issue of the Peoria Times At a job I had a very long time ago, there was a woman who possessed no internal mechanism that informed her which pieces of information were relevant to which people. As a result, she would have phone conversations, with customers, where she would say things like, “I’m sorry sir, I have to go in a few minutes. We’re having cake in the conference room for Julie.” This is an extreme example –- this woman lacked many more internal mechanisms –- but I have always, personally, enjoyed gathering information from others that does not pertain to the given situation. Especially if it is revealed to me in the form of an excuse as to why my needs cannot be met. Case in point. My wife and I have both called, on our own, on separate occasions, a person who is supposed to be assisting us in closing an important matter. When I initially spoke with her, she eased my concerns about the delays in this ...

Mike Marshall, 1992 Score Off we go! Like some visitors to the Big Apple, Mike did not enjoy his brief stay in ’90. Hmmm. “Like some visitors?” Looks like somebody spent a wedding anniversary weekend in NYC, spent $315 to park his car in one of those lots where they stack three cars on top of yours, stepped in barf on the subway platform, and couldn’t get a table at Carmine’s after seeing “Cats,” which he thought would have less cats. Still…why you gotta drag Mike Marshall into this? Let’s see how bad Mike Marshall’s time in New York really was. After being traded in the off-season to the Mets, Okay, that kinda sucks. he smashed the seventh grand slam homer of his career and drove in six runs in an 8-3 win over his old team, the Dodgers. This sounds terrible. I would hate New York too if all I had to base my experience there on was the fact that I once hit a grand slam there for the local team that helped enact revenge against my former team. “This city is the worst!” I would say. B...

Note: This column appears in the 8/26 issue of The Glendale Star and the 8/27 issue of the Peoria Times Last weekend we happily hosted a first birthday party. The theme was butterflies. Even though I had attended several first birthday parties in the past year or so, and acquired some knowledge as to their culture and thus gained some confidence, there were still many facets of first birthday party etiquette that I was unaware of. For example, I learned that one cake is not enough cakes. I thought that one cake would be enough, but that was before I discovered that one cake is set aside for the sole purpose of allowing the birthday girl to smush her hands and face in it so that you can take funny birthday pictures. Then that cake is removed and a different cake is brought in for guests, so as to reduce the likelihood of your guests finding boogers in their cake. Luckily for us our friend Donna took care of the “real cake” personally by making a full batch of her Sassy Pops , which are ...

Pat Kelly, 1991 Fleer Ultra, Prospects series Here is a picture of Pat Kelly pretending to catch a ground ball for the camera. One would think it was during an actual game were it not for the fact that second base is not traditionally played in foul territory. Also there is a tractor on the field. Another option would have involved the camera taking a snapshot of Pat Kelly actually catching a ground ball in real life, but then he probably wouldn’t have been able to simultaneously stare into the camera with the same raw emotion you see here. So, you take the good with the bad. Fortunately, in the case of Pat Kelly, it’s all good: Pat Kelly has everything a manager could want from a second baseman. Let’s say I’m a major league manager, which I am. I want my second baseman to hit 50 home runs, score 125 runs, OPS like 1.340, make approximately zero errors while also making behind-the-back throws to the shortstop during double-plays for no apparent reason, steal zero bases because he’s al...

Note: This column appears in the 8/19 issue of The Glendale Star and the 8/20 issue of the Peoria Times I am a reasonable fellow. I am neither, I don’t think, cheap or lavish, falling somewhere in between Costanza and Trump. Like most people I prefer to know the price of something before I purchase it. Occasionally however, there are those transactions in life where the urgency of the matter dissuades price from becoming an issue and, as a result, price becomes an issue. I do not like these occasions. First let me say that there are others more well versed than I in making any transaction a casual one, and these people I have come to know, mostly, as Italian. An example I have used before is going to a fine Italian restaurant with my father-in-law –- one where you won’t see a price on the menu –- and watching the dynamic work between him and the waiter. Without words, my father-in-law says, “I am willing to pay for a good meal, but you better not screw me over,” and the waiter acknowle...

Mo Vaughn, 1996 Topps Road Warriors Mo Vaughn is a Road Warrior, as evidenced here by this graphic in which Mo Vaughn displays his awkward follow-through -– a result of not being able to move his arms as well as a non-overweight baseball player -- while literally on the road. In this instance the road is a one-lane highway going nowhere. It is reserved exclusively for Road Warriors, and the purple sky is ominous only for those homebodies who lack the Road Warrior attitude displayed by players such as Mo Vaughn. But what makes Mo Vaughn a Road Warrior? Vaughn’s Five Favorite Out of Town Parks This card makes it seem as though as Mo Vaughn personally selected these road venues as his favorite, however I fear that Topps simply selected these on his behalf, highlighting those locations where Vaughn hits particularly well. The reason I say this is because, apparently unbeknownst to Topps, Mo Vaughn was asked to name his five favorite out of town parks in a 1994 interview with Highlights Ma...

Note: This column appears in the 8/12 issue of The Glendale Star and the 8/13 issue of the Peoria Times I loved –- loved -– watching cartoons as a kid. In fact, I think I watched them just slightly past the time when I should have stopped watching them. Like, when girls started calling the house I was still watching Looney Tunes, which made it quite a surprise that girls were calling in the first place. Nevertheless, cartoons hold a special place in my heart, as they harken back to the fond days of my youth, when I had zero responsibilities and I could sit in front of the TV at three o’clock in the afternoon with a bowl of cereal and watch He-Man before going to play outside, and when the Smurfs were the first people -- or, more technically, blue things -- to greet me on Saturday morning. And so part of the reason I was so excited to become a father was to get reacquainted with cartoons through my daughter. I have already begun the process -- which isn’t very smart considering she is ...

Jose Valentin, 1996 Topps In a Bill Simmon’s mailbag from many years ago, one of his readers suggested -– I can’t recall the context, though I’m sure it was Hoosiers-related -- that Gene Hackman was born a 46-year old man. That is how I’ve always felt about Jose Valentin. I mean, not that I’ve always felt anything really about Jose Valentin. I remember him being old in 2006 with the Mets, and he looks the same in this card from 1996, so in all honestly, the thought just occurred to me. Nevertheless, that is my intro. Let’s find out more: Jose has a brother –- also named Jose -– who is a top catching prospect in the Minnesota Twins organization. Oh, that’s cool. Wait, what? I just…how does that happen? I don’t understand. There are so many names in the world to choose from. This seems like such an unnecessary -– albeit humorous, for me -– means of complicating things. Could it be that Jose Valentin’s real life was the Puerto Rican version of “Newhart?” Does anybody even get that referen...

Note: This column appears in the 8/5 issue of The Glendale Star & the 8/6 issue of the Peoria Times Because my wife prefers to throw away nothing, we opt to donate things when we can. This is not to say that the act of donating things has been, in any way, easier for me than convincing my wife to throw something out. Donating old clothes is especially difficult. There is no item of clothing I can attempt to give away without her getting upset. She will literally gasp at seeing something I have placed in the bag and say to me, pleadingly, “But you wore that on Christmas Eve that year!” as if I am denouncing the fun time I had that day through my desire to donate the pants I was wearing. And God forbid I try to get rid of something she actually bought for me. It has gotten to the point where I have to donate clothes in secret. Last time I slipped up though, and she noticed one of my shirts peaking through the plastic donations bag. The next day she walked past me in the kitchen and s...

Don Robinson, 1987 Donruss Don Robinson looks like a happy guy. He engineers the “P” train, and also plays for the Pirates. He probably has many career highlights to be proud of. Let us discover them. Also, let us remember that a highlight is, ideally, and by definition, something that is good. CAREER HIGHLIGHTS Sidelined by a knee injury part of last year, First highlight: bum knee. I would find it immensely enjoyable to watch a highlight reel of baseball players with bum knees, just sort of sitting around and doing nothing. Because their knees hurt. This, for me, would = highlight. but wound up 1st on Pirates in saves That is sort of highlighty. Considering that Robinson led the Pirates in saves in 1986 with 14, which is -- and I realize saves are stupid -- what Mariano Rivera -- and I realize he is the extreme -- notches in a month and a half, I think the implication here is, had Don Robinson not boasted a faulty knee, just imagine what he could have accomplished. (I am imagining a...

Note: This column appears in the 7/29 issue of The Glendale Star and the 7/30 issue of the Peoria Times Our kitchen faucet has been leaking for three months. We keep a plastic container that used to hold oatmeal raisin cookies from Trader Joe’s underneath it to capture all the water, and then everyday I will take that container outside and use it to water the plants that aren’t attached to our drip system. All of these plants however, died when we traveled back east for a week and a half. So now my favorite thing to do after work is take the water from our leaky faucet and use it to water dead plants. This is what my life has come to. A better man would have fixed this faucet a long time ago. That is why I have employed better men –- namely my dad, father-in-law, and buddy Pete –- to check it out. I wanted them to fix it, and not to tell me how to fix it, and so in my mind they have all failed. I am not, as it has been well documented , Mr. Fix-It. I am open about this. I even have se...