Classic card of the week

Pat Kelly, 1991 Fleer Ultra, Prospects series

Here is a picture of Pat Kelly pretending to catch a ground ball for the camera. One would think it was during an actual game were it not for the fact that second base is not traditionally played in foul territory. Also there is a tractor on the field. Another option would have involved the camera taking a snapshot of Pat Kelly actually catching a ground ball in real life, but then he probably wouldn’t have been able to simultaneously stare into the camera with the same raw emotion you see here. So, you take the good with the bad.

Fortunately, in the case of Pat Kelly, it’s all good:



Pat Kelly has everything a manager could want from a second baseman.

Let’s say I’m a major league manager, which I am. I want my second baseman to hit 50 home runs, score 125 runs, OPS like 1.340, make approximately zero errors while also making behind-the-back throws to the shortstop during double-plays for no apparent reason, steal zero bases because he’s always hitting home runs and because he’s kinda fat – I don’t want the guy to be perfect, ya' know? – and hit eighth in the order because the rest of my team is even more freakin ridonkulous than my second baseman. Then and only then will I say that I have all that I want from my second baseman. Pat Kelly?

He has great range, good pivot skills

I forgot to mention good pivot skills. I want my second baseman to have good pivot skills. I thought that was implied.

for turning the double play, hits for average, steals a lot of bases and even has some pop to his bat.

Okay, so…yeah. I guess that’s everything. For somebody. Else. Anyway, let’s see how Pat Kelly does everything:

Last year at Double-A Albany, Pat hit .270,

Record scratch! Let’s hit rewind: {dream sequence montage}…hits for average…hits for average…hits for average…Lisa needs braces…dental plan….Lisa needs braces…hits for average…

So I guess, technically, Pat Kelly does hit for average, in that .270 is an average. (By the way, as we always strive to acknowledge here: average is stupid. But I didn’t bring it up. Pat Kelly’s supporters did.)

He also belted eight homers and six triples.

Eight homers = some pop. More pop involves triples, which are belted in the same fashion as home runs because they are only one less base than a home run and thus must be belted and not simply be ground balls that careen awkwardly off walls. Wow, I am being a jerk, and I am a Pat Kelly fan. Let's hear from a Pat Kelly fan who need not compromise his subjectivity due to his desire to make snarky comments on his blog about nothing:

At his position, his manager in Albany, Dan Radison, raves

This is a weird sentence that makes it sound as though Dan Radison is dishing out praise while standing on or near second base.

"I've seen him make plays, and I just can't figure out how he did it!"

I wonder if this exclamation point happened in real life, or if it was added for effect. Baseball managers tend to downplay things and have a general "been there, seen that" attitude, so I am skeptical. Also, what the heck is Dan Radison talking about? What is so mysterious about the way in which Pat Kelly makes plays? Possibly he is referring to the fact that Pat Kelly sometimes catches imaginary balls in foul territory while looking at a camera and still manages to throw a tractor out at second base. In which case: I agree!

Did you know?
Wikipedia claims that Pat Kelly, infielder, born 1967, is a different person than Pat Kelly, climber, early female climber and founder of the Pinnacle Club.