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Alvin Dark, 1993 Ted Williams Card Company Collection This week we return to the well that is “The Ted Williams Card Company” collection, in which Ted Williams himself –- or, more likely, someone other than Ted Williams –- selects a handful of old-timey baseball players and creates new baseball cards for them so that we, the baseball-card-buying public, can fantasize about what it would be like to have an actual card of one of these guys from their playing days, instead of something that is worth four cents. Today we feature Alvin Dark. Back of the card, holla atcha boy: While most managers come from the ranks of major-league players, not many have careers as successful as Alvin Dark’s. I have major problems with this sentence. This card is from 1993. I’m certain that many of the young baseball fans who came across this card had no idea who Alvin Dark was, much less that he was also a manager who last managed a game in 1977. This sentence assumes that it is common knowledge that Alvin...

Note: This column appears in the 7/30 issue of The Glendale Star and the 7/31 issue of the Peoria Times I have started riding a bike again. I had vowed to buy a bike from the moment we first moved here. Of course, I vowed to buy many things upon moving here and discovering the Arizona lifestyle, things that included a golf cart, a pool, an RV, a mister system, one of those Hummer / golf cart hybrids with the iron bars that families in our neighborhood use to go trick or treating, a barbeque built into a giant slap of concrete, and yes, a cowboy hat. To my surprise, many of the things on my wish list cost more money than I had anticipated, and I still cannot foresee a scenario in which it would be appropriate for me to wear a cowboy hat, nor can I find one that fits in a way that would prevent people from saying, “Look at that idiot in the cowboy hat.” My most feasible desired item remained a bicycle. I saw myself riding my bike on a beautiful November morning next to my wife on her, mo...

Matt Nokes, 1988 Topps In 1988, Matt Nokes was awarded by Topps the “All-Star Rookie goblet.” And rightfully so, as Matt Nokes, drunk off of goblet juice, hit 32 home runs in 1987, his rookie season. Unfortunately for Matt Nokes, this proved to be the best season of his career, although he did play pretty good ball for the Tigers and Yankees thereafter. I hope that opening paragraph whet your pallet. Because if you are like me, you want to know more about Matt Nokes. Like, right this freakin’ second. For example, did Matt Nokes –- professional baseball player -– enjoy playing baseball? Matt played Little League, Babe Ruth League, and Palomino League Baseball. That is noteworthy because, as many people know, most professional baseball players do not start playing baseball until college, if that. Albert Pujols, for example, was drafted directly out of an insurance company cubicle, and showed up wearing jorts for his first minor league game. So Matt Nokes obviously had a leg up on the com...

Note: This column appears in the 7/23 issue of The Glendale Star and the 7/24 issue of the Peoria Times There are two things that the newcomer instantaneously realizes about the Valley: 1) it is hot, and 2) the drivers are awful. I have written about the driving here before. To no avail, apparently, as little has changed. Thankfully, my opinions have recently been echoed and backed up with lukewarm evidence. Allstate released its “ America’s Best Drivers Report ” last week. (In the car insurance world, this is the equivalent of the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit issue release. Except sexier .) If you haven’t read the report then I don’t want to ruin the ending, but let’s just say that we lost. Not quite a surprise, considering that the most noise Valley residents make is in opposition to measures that make driving safer, like, oh I don’t know… traffic cameras . Still, for me personally, it feels good to know that Allstate has my back, and that I am not turning into an 80-year old man sha...

Jack Clark, 1991 Score Jack Clark –- seen here leaving his bat magically suspended in thin air so that the hitter behind him will not have to drag his bat all the way from the on-deck circle to the batter’s box -- was awesome. Jack Clark’s awesomeness is even more awesome when one considers the various obstacles that he bravely endured throughout the course of his major league career. The year of nineteen-hundred-and-ninety was especially cruel for one Jackson Clarkson: Jack managed to survive a herniated disc in his lower back, You have to remember -– this is 1990 we’re talking about here. The fatality rate of herniated disc cases was over 97%. a fractured cheek bone How a person can play baseball with a fractured cheek bone is beyond me. Though, I imagine that it’s similar to the experience of playing baseball after you’ve been hit in the cheek bone with a baseball. Uncomfortable, though not impossible, since you don't need your cheek to swing. and a number change (to 00) to smas...

Note: This column appears in the 7/16 issue of The Glendale Star and the 7/17 issue of the Peoria Times When we informed our family over two years ago that we were moving to Arizona, the reaction was predictably mixed. They were happy for us, but sad to see us go. It was my uncle however, that had some practical advice: Watch out for scorpions. This advice has proven to be invaluable, especially considering that every single person we initially asked about scorpions upon moving here reacted indifferently. I have come to believe that this is a vast conspiracy, and that every person who lives in Arizona privately acknowledges not to make a big deal out of scorpions when newcomers ask. The state brochure should read, “Arizona: What scorpions?” I cannot tell you how bonkers it drives me when people do not react with the proper indignation when it comes to this subject. Arizona is home to the bark scorpion, which Wikipedia -- my source for all social, spiritual and scorpion-related informa...

Steve Lake, 1991 Score So many words come to mind when I think of Steve Lake. Intense. Gamer. Mullet. Steve. Sweaty. Chest protector. Rainbows. Omg, I just called a fastball down broadway that was hit 600 feet, but I’m going to pretend it was a pop up. Eye black. It becomes difficult to gather all of these thoughts and words and emotions re: Steve Lake together to form one, all-encompassing statement. But difficult is not always impossible. Back of the card, take us home: Steve is the best defensive backup catcher in the league. Splam. Pop! Take it the biz-nank. Of all the catchers in the entire league (just National, not Major…I think) not good enough to start, Steve Lake is the best. At defense. And if you think this is an arbitrary statement just carelessly tossed out there to add some pizzazz to the otherwise pizzazzless resume of Steve Lake, here are some stats to back that up: Unhappily, How did we get to “unhappily” already? We have barely scratched the surface of Steve Lake’s b...

Note: This column appears in the 7/9 issue of The Glendale Star and the 7/10 issue of the Peoria Times I have some bad news for anyone currently waiting at a Glendale light rail stop. You might want to catch the bus. It was revealed last week that the proposed Glendale light rail project will be delayed by “at least two years,” which, in government-controlled construction terms translates to: 30 years. The current economic circumstances have made building a light rail less of a priority, apparently. Still, this is a surprise, especially considering the vast popularity of the Phoenix light rail, which has experienced no problems. Unless, of course, you count accidents , the reported mistreatment of its operators , and a general state of confusion as it relates to where it goes and why you would ride it. In fact, the Glendale delay is Phoenix’s fault, as the city is forced to wait on the construction of Phoenix’s 19th Avenue extension, which itself has been pushed back from 2012 to 2014....

Frank Viola, 1991 Score Dream Team Here is a picture of Frank Viola wearing a black turtleneck and holding up an apple. For further explanation, let’s head to the back of the card: Frank was “Sweet Music” to the Mets in ’90. Frank Viola’s nickname was Sweet Music because his last name, Viola, is also the name of a bowed string musical instrument that is part of the violin family. Therefore, many considered the manner in which he pitched to be, metaphorically speaking, as sweet as the music generated from the instrument that bore his name. Hence, an apple. Throwing what many consider to be the best changeup in the game, he won his first seven decisions and ended up a 20-game winner for the second time in three years. Changeup is code for apple. A happy man with a lot of little kid in him Frank Viola was –- and hey, knowing Frank Viola, which I don’t, probably still is -– a happy fella, which is good to know. This, unfortunately, did not stop Chris Hansen from confronting Frank Viola af...

Note: This column appears in the 7/2 issue of The Glendale Star and the 7/3 issue of the Peoria Times As the Phoenix Coyotes mess moves steadily along, I am reminded of a paradox that has always fascinated me. Last week U.S. Bankruptcy Judge Redfield T. Baum (that is a name just begging for a daytime judge show) expressed that fans of the Phoenix Coyotes, if they want to keep their team here in Glendale, need to show their support with “their pocketbook and presence.” Though I doubt the majority of hockey fans carry pocketbooks, this warning seems to place the blame for the Coyotes’ woes and the pressure to retain them squarely on the fans themselves. And part of me agrees with this. As a little kid growing up in New Jersey, I was (and still am) a Yankees fan. (Sorry.) It may be difficult to remember now, but my formative years of baseball fandom involved rooting unconditionally for a team that was just not very good . Most of the games I watched on TV featured an array of available s...

Ozzie Guillen, 1991 Score All-Star Team Nothing says “I take my baseball card collecting seriously” quite like owning a cartoon picture of a bobble-headed Ozzie Guillen. This looks like something Ozzie had done at the Seaside boardwalk, after which he publically berated the artist and called him “ a homo ” for making his ears too big. From a technical standpoint, this card leaves a bit to be desired. For one, I am trying to figure out the stadium that this game is being played at, which features no buildings or obstructions beyond the outfield seats. Also, the crowd looks like Fruity Pebbles floating in milk. I do however, enjoy the baserunner who appears to be covered in a force field of Saran Wrap, and who is either a) running the bases in reverse, or b) performing abdominal exercises. But back to Ozzie: Ozzie, who hustles and chatters all the time Ozzie, who runs hard to first base on his frequent groundouts and who is also annoying… had plenty to talk about in ’90. Didn’t we all? T...

Note: This column appears in the 6/25 issue of The Glendale Star and the 6/26 issue of the Peoria Times Note II: If THAT title doesn't grab your attention, then nothing will There are few things as exciting to discuss as utility bills. Nevertheless, two cities seem to be moving in opposite directions when it comes to energy efficiency and waste management. It was revealed last week that the city of Glendale will be raising rates beginning in October, and that the typical family –- that is, the family that uses water and produces waste –- will pay around $86 more per year on their water and sewer bills. The reason for the price hike is simple. The creator of water –- God –- has decided to charge the city of Glendale more to distribute His product, due to, ya’ know, the economy and all. Plus, sewage is gross and smells bad. Besides these factors, most Glendale residents are confused and upset about the rate hike, especially those on a fixed income. At this vulnerable time, it seem...

VERSE 3 For VERSE 1 explained, see here . For VERSE 2 explained, see here . Take heed, cause I’m a lyrical poet Take heed, ye’ merry gentlemen. For I am a lyrical poet. I do not use other mediums for my poetry, such as paint, or steel, or birds, or whatever. I use words, or, in my case as it pertains to hip-hop specifically, lyrics. For example, earlier when I rhymed “bikinis” with “Lamborghinis,” that is what we in the literary field call: poetry. Miami’s on the scene just in case you didn’t know it Miami is on the hip-hop scene, thanks in large part to me, Vanilla Ice. I have made Miami proud. My town, that created all the bass sound As Wikipedia can attest: "Miami bass (also known as booty music or booty bass, a term that may also include other genres, such as dirty rap), is a type of hip hop music that became popular in the 1980s and 1990s." You can have your emotionally charged blues, Memphis -– I’ll take my booty bass and sexually perverse rap, thank you very much! Enou...

Domingo Ramos, 1985 Topps Domingo Ramos choked up sooooo much –- crowd: How much did he choke up??!! -- that the bat needed the Heimlich maneuver. Uncontrollable laughter, wild applause, standing ovation . Thank you, thank you very much! I hope you enjoyed the Domingo Ramos comedy minute. But like, for serious Domingo -– what the heck are you hoping to accomplish here with this batting stance? Even if you were able to line up a 90-mph fastball right down broadway, there is 0% chance that ball will leave the yard, and a 3.7% chance that ball will leave the infield. Your only hope of actually reaching base safely is a swinging bunt and/or a throwing error. But if you do swing, that bat handle is going to hit you in the chest. Why don’t you just use a smaller bat, Domingo? Why are you so stubborn? In 1996, Domingo Ramos was inducted into the 1980’s Light-Hitting Middle Infielders Who Are Known Only For Their Defense And Who, If Baseball Used Lineups of 32 Players Instead of Nine, Would B...

Note: This column appears in the 6/18 issue of The Glendale Star and the 6/19 issue of the Peoria Times Every day, it seems, we are discovering more and more about foster care. I have been amazed by the resources available to us. No matter how many training classes you have taken, and no matter how prepared you think you are to be a foster parent, the fact of the matter is that one day a child –- or maybe two –- will arrive at your door, and then you will be left wondering what the heck you are supposed to do. By the time you are giving one child a breathing treatment while the other child is pooping in her pull-up in the corner and the dog is barking and the phone is ringing, it becomes that much more difficult to find the clarity to hearken back to your training days for guidance. You feel like you’re on an island sometimes. And you’re always three seconds away from sending out a smoke signal. But you do settle in. For us, it’s been during this settling in process that we have –- mai...

VERSE 2 For VERSE 1 explained, see here . Now that the party is jumping We are at a party now. And get ready because I am going to tell you what is about to happen because we are at a party that is jumping. With the bass kicked in, the vegas are pumping “Vegas” are speakers. They are pumping because the bass has kicked in. Also, as I had previously mentioned, the party we are at is jumping, in large part due to the fact that the speakers are pumping. Now get ready for what is about to happen as a result of these indisputable facts. Quick to the point, to the point no fakin’ Okay, so nothing happened. But let’s move past that, because I would like to inform you of something: When I make a point, I am quick about it. I am to the point about making a point. Also, you can rest assured that I will not fake any point that I am trying to make, as that would defeat the purpose of the quickness with which I made said point. That’s the whole point. I’m cooking MCs like a pound of bacon If I am f...

VERSE 1 All right stop, collaborate and listen Everybody stop what you’re doing. Then find a partner and work on a project together that has yet to be determined. Then listen to me. Ice is back This is my first single. With a brand new invention This invention is called “horrible rap.” Take that, Benjamin Franklin. To the rest of you: you’re welcome. Something grabs a hold of me tightly Songs such as this one are not entirely my doing, but partly the result of an otherwordly force that urges me to rap about stuff. Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly The manner in which I rap “flows” similar to the flow of a harpoon, which is, according to Wikipedia , “a long spear like instrument used in fishing to catch fish or other large marine mammals such as whales.” I flow like this everyday. And also every night, which is different from the day. I do not sleep. Will it ever stop? Yo, I don’t know Sometimes I will ask myself a question and then immediately and condescendi...

Eric Plunk, 1987 Donruss I always thought that Eric Plunk had a funny name. Then this card came out and I realized that there was more comedic value to Eric Plunk than I had ever previously imagined. Believe me I have been thinking about this for way longer than I ever should have, but nevertheless, this is what this card looks like to me: Wait, are you ready? Because here I go. Right now: This card looks like Dave Grohl was asked to star in “Dazed & Confused II.” There. That is what I came up with. Did you like it? No? I hate you. Anyhoo, back to Plunk’s name. Isn’t it funny? Plunk. As a kid I could never get over the fact that there was a pitcher named Plunk, and that if and when he inevitably hit a batter, I wondered how an announcer could possibly resist the urge to say “he plunked ‘em.” This was one of the reasons I always wished I could announce a baseball game. Eric Plunks hits Mike Pagliarula with a pitch... Me : ( emphatically ) He plunked ‘em! Tim McCarver : On an 0-2 pi...

Note: This column appears in the 6/11 issue of The Glendale Star and the 6/12 issue of the Peoria Times Somebody once told me that you can only be considered a true Arizonan once you’ve survived five summers. I am unsure if this is accurate –- both the number five and the term “true Arizonan” seem fairly arbitrary –- but I believe in this sentiment, mainly because I will believe anything anybody tells me if it sounds cool. This is called “journalism.” Look it up. But this is only one of many, many clichés that pertain to the Arizona summer heat, which include, “it’s a dry heat,” “100 days of 100” and “it is so hot outside that I literally cannot breath.” The reality is that the summer here is hot, oftentimes unbearably hot. And in 2009, we’re just getting started. I have been thinking about this recently as my wife and I are currently embarking on our third summer here. Judging by the aforementioned guidelines as it pertains to our quest to become true Arizonans, this would be our “hum...

John Hope, 1994 Topps Where were you when John Hope lost his bid for a no-hitter? This is the question that every baseball fan of my generation –- “The Greatest Generation…of Baseball Card Collectors,” as we have been popularly referred to –- has been asked a million times, give or take. Personally, I was in the second hour of a marathon three-way phone conversation, in which I was trying to get Rachel to admit that she liked my friend Alex, who sat silently on the other line, unbeknownst to Rachel. Man, I was cool back then. Anyway, I distinctly remember my dad bursting into my bedroom and yelling, “Mike! Get downstairs! John Hope is working on a no-hitter! The game is not on television, but we’ll watch TV until the news comes on at 5 o’clock, and hope that they mention it during sports, even though the game is not local!” I could barely contain my excitement. The results, however, were disheartening: John’s hopes for a no-hitter were ruined on 9-16, when he had to leave his hitless g...