Thursday, July 23, 2009

Classic card of the week


Matt Nokes, 1988 Topps

In 1988, Matt Nokes was awarded by Topps the “All-Star Rookie goblet.” And rightfully so, as Matt Nokes, drunk off of goblet juice, hit 32 home runs in 1987, his rookie season. Unfortunately for Matt Nokes, this proved to be the best season of his career, although he did play pretty good ball for the Tigers and Yankees thereafter.

I hope that opening paragraph whet your pallet. Because if you are like me, you want to know more about Matt Nokes. Like, right this freakin’ second. For example, did Matt Nokes –- professional baseball player -– enjoy playing baseball?



Matt played Little League, Babe Ruth League, and Palomino League Baseball.

That is noteworthy because, as many people know, most professional baseball players do not start playing baseball until college, if that. Albert Pujols, for example, was drafted directly out of an insurance company cubicle, and showed up wearing jorts for his first minor league game. So Matt Nokes obviously had a leg up on the competition from the get-go.

But all play and no play make Matty a dull boy, no? Did Matt Nokes’ focus on baseball adversely affect his repertoire of pastimes?

His variety of pastimes includes going skiing, fishing, and playing guitar.

Matt Nokes: Renaissance man. In the span of 48 hours in the offseason of 1991, Matt Nokes skied the advanced trails of the Rocky Mountains backwards, caught a 12-lb flounder while fishing with his dad, performed with his two-man band “Hall & Nokes” (on vocals? Yes –- Mel Hall) at the Carlsbad Greek Festival, and hit two doubles in a Dominican Winter League game.

But baseball “is what Matt Nokes best,” as the many people affected by Matt Nokes like to say. That is why he started his website, where you can buy many Matt Nokes-related videos and learn more about riding and striding.

What's that? You don't know about riding and striding? You are so weird. Let’s find out what Darryl Evans and his 414 career home runs have to say:

“Matt’s quickly becoming well known around the country for coining the term ‘RIDE AND STRIDE.’”

That’s what she said. Also, you should know that every time you use the term “ride and stride” you have to pay Matt Nokes one dollar. If you are like me, you owe Matt Nokes zero dollars.

It should also be mentioned that this method is part of "The Pyramid of Hitting," in which the second step of the pyramid is: "Blocking." All of this will make sense when you purchase the DVDs. In the meantime, back to Darryl Evans:

“It’s a timing technique and a mechanical Absolute!”

Geez, Darryl Evans. Is this technique also a vodka? Because that is the only reason you would capitalize absolute. Also, “a mechanical Absolute?” That makes Absolutely no sense. I am no longer listening to Darryl Evans. But I would nevertheless like to know more about the advantages of the Ride and Stride method:

Allows the hitter to find his center of rotation and eliminating any leaking energy.

Matt Nokes’ website: 1
The English language: 0

Potential professional baseball player: I don’t know, Matt Nokes. When I’m up at bat, I can’t seem to find the center of my rotation. And my energy is leaking everywhere. Last week I leaked my energy all over home plate and the umpire had to call in a hazmat crew to clean it up.

Matt Nokes: I think I have just the thing for you.

Did you know?
If you reach the top of Matt Nokes' "Pyramid of Hitting," you get to ski down it with Matt Nokes.

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