Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Spam email of the week

Subject: Attention:

You: certainly: have: mine:

From: Ademola Johnson <”www.”@triton.ocn.ne.jp>

I was expecting ajohnson@ustreasury.gov, but this seems equally legit. Other than not knowing the difference between a website and an email address, you have proven yourself worthy of my attention. By the way do you still need my attention? I am easily distrac-

Attention:

OK fine, sheesh.

Good day, this is to inform you of your long overdue Compensation Payment In this office Files records over here.

That is an impressive collection of words that almost form a coherent thought. I especially like the concluding “over here,” because for a second I thought these words were coming from over there.

This department founds your name

Me thinks yours’ department be good at founding things.

and email address in the Central Computer / Federal Ministry of Finance among list of Scam Victim unpaid Compensation Funds and have to update your information by contacting you

Are you allowed, over there at Triton, which is a branch of the federal government, to run words through the Central Computer to see if they have the capacity to form sentences? Try it! It will be cool.

Through this email for your immediate confirmation response back to my Office without delay. The value capital Compensation fund amount of $3,800, 000.00 USD (Three Million Eight Hundred Thousand dollars only) is to your favor listed name for immediate payment.

Exactly how immediate will the time be with which I will receive my $3.8 million? Despite the remaining words in this email which I can see through my peripheral, I am currently assuming that there are no obstacles and that maybe you sent me the money already?

However

Dammit.

we received an email from one Mr.George M. Muthara, who told us that he is your NEXT OF KIN and that you died in a car accident last four Months back.

OMG, classic George. One time in high school, George called the main office pretending to be my dad and told the secretary that we had to cancel school because I fell off Bear Mountain. And they did! It was hil-AIRES. Anyway, I don’t know him.

He has also submitted his account information’s to the office Department for transfer of the fund payment credit to him as your Inheritor of the fund stated herein.

See now I’m kind of annoyed. George always takes these things too far. But hey, lemme ask you this—for a department that so easily founds my name, can’t you just as easily rectify this situation with even a modicum of research?

No? Can’t do that? OK. You know what—I don’t need to deal with this George drama. In fact, I’m getting another dope email right now. Lemme check it out …

Subject: GREETINGS TO YOU DEAREST !

Seems promising.

From: MR MIKE PENCE

Wow, this is big.

GREETINGS TO YOU DEAREST !

Consistency equals legitimacy. I am dearest, I think. This better not be an invite to a platonic, man-to-man dinner.

I am  Mike Pence,Vice President of the United States

I don’t normally play favorites, but STEP ASIDE, ADEMOLA JOHNSON.

and this is to inform you about your  Bank Check Draft brought back by the United Embassy from the government of Benin Republic in the white house Washington DC as your compensation fund 

I didn’t realize that U.S./Benin Republic diplomatic relations had improved since the travel ban, but it’s about time the United Embassy retrieved my money. (FYI, the “white house” is in Washington DC, so this checks out.)

 been mandated to be deliver to your home address ,To avoid wrong delivery of your check draft worth Ten   million  united states dollars ( 10.000.000,00 Million)  Kindly reconfirm to me the below data

It is indeed my preference that my $10 million not be delivered to someone else by mistake. I will confirm my contact info … but only if you give me yours. Samsies, lol. For real though, these are my terms.


Contact Email Address: (pence.m62@yahoo.com)
Contact Cell Phone-Number (202) 844-7255

Thank you, Mike Pence. I will hit you up at your Yahoo address as opposed to your Gmail, as I understand this is mad confidential, son. And I know how your administration values confidentiality

YOURS SINCERELY,MR MIKE PENCE
VICE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES

This is literally how I imagine actual Mike Pence signs off. Anyway, I would say that this email is embarrassing to the White House, but … you know.

3 comments:

troy said...

I know this is going to be disappointing news, but I think that email is not really from Ademola Johnson, buddy. I think it's actually from the late former Onion writer Herbert Kornfeld. "We got your compensation payment up in this office Files record over here, yo."

Fun fact: The Herbert Kornfeld conceit would have worked just as well had they used a photo of Mike Pence for his mugshot.

mkenny59 said...

So true. Although the original headshot IS amazing. I'm now imagining a Mike Pence headshot with a Herbert Kornfeld mustache. It is ... disturbing. Anyway.

troy said...

Thought experiment: It's Mike Pence who died, and Herbert Kornfeld is actually vice-president, second in command to a guy who could die or get impeached really any day now. You on board? Might be to obvious to answer, I can respect that.