Thursday, April 09, 2015

Spam email of the week



Subject: forth to meet the King and fell on one knee and kissed his

OMG kissed his what? Work can wait, let’s dive into this …

Then to him the Sheriff spoke at length concerning Robin Hood;

I feel like I missed an introductory paragraph or something. Yes? No? No? OK. (shrugs)

how that for many months the outlaws had defied the King, and
slain the King's deer; how Robin had gathered about him the best
archers in all the countryside; and, finally, how the traitorous
knight Sir Richard of the Lea had rescued the band when capture
seemed certain, and refused to deliver them up to justice.

Ha ha, classic Sir Richard. Anyway, so like … did you want to subscribe to our paper?

The King heard him through with attention and quoth he:

"Meseems I have heard of this same Robin Hood, and his men, and
also seen somewhat of their prowess.  Did not these same outlaws
shoot in a royal Tourney at Finsbury field?"

Oh snap, da king done brought up Finsbury. It’s. About. To go. DOWN. #Finsbury #NeverForget

"They did, Your Majesty, under a royal amnesty."

In this speech the Sheriff erred, for the King asked quickly,

"How came they last to the Fair at Nottingham--by stealth?"

(eating popcorn, work phone is ringing)

"Yes, Your Majesty."

"Did you forbid them to come?"

"No, Your Majesty.  That is--"

"Speak out!"

SPEAKETH, SON. DANG.

For the good of the shire," began the Sheriff again, falteringly,
"we did proclaim an amnesty; but 'twas because these men had
proved a menace--"

To society?



"Now by my halidom!" quoth the King, while his brow grew black.
"Such treachery would be unknown in the camp of the Saracen; and
yet we call ourselves a Christian people!"

The Sheriff kept silence through very fear and shame; then the
King began speech again:

"Nathless, my lord Sheriff, we promise to look into this matter.
Those outlaws must be taught that there is but one King in
England, and that he stands for the law."

This sheriff is mad nathless, and the king ‘bout to get his halidom on. If you ask me.

So the Sheriff was dismissed, with very mixed feelings, and went
his way home to Nottingham town. A fortnight later the King began
to make good his word, by riding with a small party of knights to
Lea Castle.  Sir Richard was advised of the cavalcade's approach,
and quickly recognized his royal master in the tall knight who
rode in advance.  Hasting to open wide his castle gates he went
forth to meet the King and fell on one knee and kissed his

!!!

stirrup. 

The heck?

For Sir Richard, also, had been with the King to the
 Land, and they had gone on many adventurous quests together.



The King bade him rise, and dismounted from his own horse to
greet him as a brother in arms; and arm-in-arm they went into the
castle, while bugles and trumpets sounded forth joyous welcome in
honor of the great occasion.



 
After the King had rested and supped, he turned upon the knight
and with grave face inquired:

"What is this I hear about your castle's becoming a nest and
harbor for outlaws?"

SICK BURN

The Sir Richard of the Lea, divining that the Sheriff had been at
the King's ear with his story, made a clean breast of all he
knew; how that the outlaws had befriended him in sore need--as
they had befriended others--and how that he had given them only
knightly protection in return.

Oh yeah, pfft—only knightly protection? ME THINKS NOT.

Anyway, that was the end. Everyone’s homework is to read chapter 2 of my spam work emails, and we’ll discuss on this blog next week. Dismissed.

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