Spam email of the week

Subject: From Mr Pablo Dench Pirez

Wonder who this is from.

From Mr Pablo Dench Pirez


Got it. I thought you sounded French.

Please let all correspondence be on my personal email address

I mean Japanese. Is this email going to start anytime soon?

Kindest Attention:

My name is Mr Pablo Dench Pirez, I am from Portugal .

I thought you sounded Portuguese.

I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer. It has defied all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live,according to medical experts.

Well at least you’ve lived life well.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone (not even myself) but my business.

Don’t beat yourself up for loving your business too much. The world would be a better place if more people treated their businesses better than they do actual people. It’s like they always say:

Naughty girls Businesses need love too.” – Samantha Foxxxxxx

Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for.

Hostile Business Corp., LLC: $1 billion annually, half-star on Yelp

I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it.

Cool. What religion is that?

Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as few close friends .I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give alms to charity rganizations,as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth.

Also: the first good deeds. But hey, you know what the Bible says: The first shall be last and last to do good deeds which are also the first shall be the first.

So far,I have Distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E,Somalia and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore.

“Too … weak … to click …” (tries to click mouse on "Donate" icon, falls out of chair, team of nurses rush to side)

I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves.

Your brother-in-law: (walks into bank) Hello, I’d like to close the account of my brother-in-law, Mr. Pablo Dame Judy Dench Pirez, and divert all the money to … (winks hard, makes sign for money, motions to his jeans pocket) Bulgaria.

Bank worker: Of course, sir. (winks) And what is your name?

Your brother-in-law: Bulgaria.

Bank worker: What a coincidence. That is my name, too!

(they laugh)

The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of Thirty Million United States Dollars($30,000,000,00) that I have with an Finance Vaulting Unit Abroad.

Finance Vaulting Unit Abroad: Vaulting your finances in a unit abroad since 1982

I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatch it to charity organizations.

Can you be more specific? Are we talking diseases or tsunami victims?

Kindly note that 30% of this funds must go to the tsunami victims,

OK fine.

50% to other Charity Organization

Seems vague. I will read this as “GoFundMe account for that guy’s excess skin removal surgery.”

 and 20% for your effort and time.

Thank you. Six million dollars seems fair.

I cannot talk with you on the phone due to my health situation, as I am using my Lap Top Computer to communicate with you.

That’s crazy. I am using my Desk Top Computer Machine to communicate with you, and I ALSO can’t talk on the phone but only because I don’t want to because none of this is real.

God be with you.

You say that as if I’m about to embark on something ill-fated when in fact I am only becoming involved in an email-based transaction for $30 million with Mr. Pablo Dench Pirez of France/Japan/Portugal. Pretty sure I’ll be fine.


troy said…
"What religion is that?" Why, the religion that believes in a dumbass god you can deceive by living your entire life as a total dick and then giving away your leftover dough five minutes before you die, natch.