Spam email of the week

Subject: Re: Cost of percutaneous Nephrolithtomy

This is a rhetorical subject, as everyone knows the cost of percutaneous nephrolithomy is your very soul. Also: around $6,000.

From: Okey Ukachukwu

Not in my contacts for some reason.

Dear Sir,

Compliments of the season.I was diagnosed as having kidney stone that require surgery as the stone is quite big

This is you, in April: "Merry Christmas. I have a giant stone to pass through my penis."

1cm " in the right kidney. I have attached a copy of the ivu report.

(reviews IVU report) Yep, that's a kidney stone alright. But what the hell are those things? (points to ribcage with Twizzler I am eating) There's like a dozen of 'em. Pretty sure you might die.

My doctor has advised I do percutaneousnephrolithtomy

I see the kidney stones are already causing slurred speech. This is ... (long yawn) ... extremely urgent.

 and I will like to know the cost.

Here are the top four ways to respond when your doctor recommends percutaneous nephrolithotomy but you don't know the cost:

1) Ask your doctor who is standing right there
2) Call your insurance company
3) Google/WebMD for a ballpark figure
4) Email the publications manager at two weekly newspapers

I listed those in reverse order of optimal convenience.

I will also like to know how long it will take me to recover fully and resume  normal activities.

About as long as it will take me to recover from this email, so: never.

(one hour and two minutes later)

Dear Sir,


One greeting. Pathetic considering all I have done for your kidney stone.

As per doctor opinion you required advance Shock Wave Therapy which is available at our headquarter hospital in India.

Yes, as per our last conversation, regarding my professional medical opinion, I recommended shock wave therapy to get your kidney stone through your penis faster, and also said you could probably find a decent shock wave therapy machine (???) at a hospital in India. These are things I said within the hour between these two rational emails.

This procedure doesn't required any surgery and can be cure by this therapy.

Thanks, captain Okey obvious. I would have recommended shock wave surgery if I wanted you to have surgery, duh.

As the opinion and estimate will come accordingly i''ll inform you

Please do. I must keep abreast of how quickly your kidney stone passes through your penis and also how much it will cost. I didn't not become a doctor to NOT keep tabs on Okey Ukachukwu.

Relationship Manager

a.k.a. Rajdeep. Makes sense. By the way, I bet you are a great relationship manager. You probably say to your boo, "We need to talk ... " and then email the publications manager at two weekly newspapers to find out how to cure erectile dysfunction. (Shock Wave Boner Stimulator 3000, fwiw.)