Spam email of the week

Subject: SvaSo

Don’t yet know what that means, but I do know this email is from “Evang John Robertson.” Evang seems like an odd—ethnic, even?—name to stick in front of the otherwise super-Caucasian name of John Roberston, so I think maybe it is short for evangelist? Evangelist is a long word to say that requires a lot of energy, so it’s understandable if it’s been shortened in evang circles.

“My evang totes knows God is for realsies,” is a sample of what a typical person might say in 2014.

Greetings,I am diagnosed with esophageal cancer,

This email that I have just started reading has taken a drastic turn for the worst. At first, when I read “Greetings,” I thought this email was going to be positive and inspiring. But then when I read the rest I just … Imma let you finish, Evang, I just …

…

…

Okay I’m good now.

because it went unnoticed I have had to undergo a laryngectomy.

This is terrible. I can’t even.

I have decided to WILL/donate my money to you for the good work of the lord to promote charity works.

It seems like maybe you are not confident in the laryngectomy results? Regardless, yes, Evang—certainly I will accept your money. You’ve come to the right place, if that place is someone completely inexperienced at promoting charity works and also someone who plans to spend at least some of this money purchasing foot odor prevention powder off the Internet. Oops, didn't mean to say that out lo—

I want this last act of mine to be an offering to GOD and humanity.send a note back with this ref. SvaSo back so i know you got this,

“Dear Evang, I got your email about how you’re going to die I guess. Sucks. Please see the weird subject reference ‘SvaSo’ so you know I am cool. Definitely down to help humanity by taking your money and doing charity stuff with it (wink wink).”

I know I don't know you. God bless you abundantly,

Oh. I thought maybe Evang would be like, “I know I don’t know you, and that this is weird, but I got a feeling you are the right person for this, since you have email.” But instead he is like, “I am fully aware I do not know you. Whatevs, and God bless.” Unconditional trust is something I think more evanges should put into practice.

Evang John Robertson

I Googled “Evang John Robertson” to watch vids of some of his dopest sermons, but it turns out maybe this is a scam. I guess it’s true what they say—a good evang who is probs gonna die and wants to give you his money is hard to find.