Life is crazy sometimes. Fifteen years ago I imagined that, right now, I’d be nestled safely into that glorious physical time of post-facial acne and pre-having to think about an organic colon cleanse. Welp, that obviously didn’t happen. Ha, ha! Sigh.
So yes, I did make the executive decision to attempt an all-natural colon cleanse because: why not? I mean, I am 34 years old, just about that time in life when one should start thinking about the cleanliness of his/her colon, give or take a couple decades. And, you know me by now—I’m not about to put something unnatural into my body. Sure, I could have gone the easy route and purchased something called “COLON BLAST,” which contains 99.9 percent of things I can’t pronounce and also “consult your doctor if COLON BLAST causes your hair to fall out and arms to bleed.” No. Surely the Internet had a more organic method, and indeed that was proven correct. It’s a wonder how people cleansed their colons safely before computers.
In fact, all I needed were two things. The first was called psyllium husks. I had never heard of psyllium husks before, and imagined obtaining such a thing would require me to travel to Siberia and locate an extinct woolly mammoth. Further research proved that no—I can simply purchase psyllium husks at my local vitamin/health store. Ditto for the second ingredient, bentonite clay. I hadn’t ingested clay since grade school, so this was going to be awesome and nostalgic.
Going to the health store—or any store for that matter—by myself is a luxury I am no longer afforded, so I brought my daughter. Because of this, I knew time would be of the essence, so I printed out the online cleansing instructions, highlighted the ingredients, and handed it to the first employee I saw, a woman, and said, “Please find these things for me.” (Also, I didn’t know how to pronounce psyllium husks. I am not good at pronouncing things.) The woman said, “Follow me.”
We found the section of the store that contained all my colon-cleansing needs. The helpful woman asked if this cleansing was for me. Years ago, especially while discussing such a topic with a member of the opposite sex, I would have been like, “Me? Pfft. No way. It’s for my wife.” But I am now long past the days of being embarrassed or ashamed about such things, so I became engaged in a detailed discussion about digestion and all of its pleasant wonders. My daughter even chimed in to say, “My friend Tamara has two cats.” She is a genius.
Did I want psyllium husk powder or just regular pysllium husks? So many decisions! I chose the latter, along with some delicious-looking clay and other digestive aids. Actually, I shouldn’t say “I chose”—the health store employee pretty much kept putting stuff in my arms as I yelled “PUT THAT DOWN” at my daughter. Seventy dollars later, I was well on my way to a cleaner colon.
The concoction wasn’t exactly pleasant, but it wasn’t terrible tasting, either. The major problem was the psyllium husks I chose did not dissolve very well in the water, so the texture was like orange juice with pulp. (“I got 99 problems and my psyllium husk dissolvability is one.”)
I write to you today with what I hope to be a cleaner colon. I’m not really sure because I can’t see it. My faith is in the Internet, which has never steered me wrong before, except for all those other times. Also, it turns out bentonite clay is great for acne! Just kidding, it is neutral. Does anyone know at what age acne stops? I am 34. Someone email me. Thank you.
Note: This column appears in the 2/7 issue of The Glendale Star and the 2/8 issue of the Peoria Times.