Thursday, January 24, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: Su amigo ................RUN YOUR CAR ON WATER......................... quiere recomendarle "GREMI DE LLIBRETERS DE VELL DE CATALUNYA"

Before I go tossing jugs of water into my gas tank (note: TOO LATE), maybe we should check who this is from first.

From: ................RUN YOUR CAR ON WATER......................... [simplewaterfuelxxx@gmail.com]

If I didn't know any better, I would say that someone is strongly suggesting I consider running my car on water. Whoever you are, you can stop -- you had me at absurd amount of needless periods and the curious combination of Spanish and English.

Hola {my work email address}!

Is there anything more personable than the greeting, "Hello EMAIL ADDRESS!"? It makes me feel as though the person/robot sending me the email really knows I have email. Maybe they also know my mother's maiden name and the first girl I kissed? They also know I drive a car so it's entirely possible they know all of my innermost hopes and dreams. I shall listen to them and heed their demands.

Su amigo ................RUN YOUR CAR ON WATER.........................,

The gentle nudge to run my car on water is subtle yet effective. Even though the majority of the email so far is in Spanish, the English CAPS LOCK parts seem to represent the general theme. This is the perfect email for someone who has a car but is not quite sure what language he speaks. As for me, I did take eight years of Spanish in school and absorbed none of it, so allow me to translate this email into English:

Dear email address,

Not sure if you speak Spanish or English or whatever, so gonna hedge some bets here, anyway
.........................................................................................................
.........................................................................................................
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............................RUN YOUR CAR ON WATER .........................................................................................................
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(Note: For the uninformed, 16 periods in Spanish translates to 850 periods in English, although Spanish periods are obviously upside down.)

pensó que estaría interesado en HOMER L'ODISSEA (2 volums) de GREMI DE LLIBRETERS DE VELL DE CATALUNYA.

Translation: Have you ever thought about how interesting Homer L'Odissea, the Spanish actor, is? Then order two volumes of our famous grimy water for your car's catalytic difibulator today!

Don't Drive To Another Gas Station Until You Discover This:

This is the English part, I guess.

Run Your Car On Water,
Triple Your Mileage And
Laugh At Rising Gas Prices...


I think this is a poem?

http://tophillads.info/swf

I am not going to click on this website because I am afraid. More importantly, I don't know anything about cars, but I'm pretty sure they cannot run on water. Also -- and I realize it's cheaper and wouldn't produce exhaust, maybe? -- but isn't water kind of a precious natural resource in its own right? Like, if we started using water to run our vehicles then we'd have a big water problem, right? Don't we already have a water problem? I mean, I live in Arizona and we're more than a decade into a terrible drought. If our cars ran on water this state would disintegrate into a cloud of dust in four hours. This email is basically a suggestion that we replace one endangered resource for another. This would be like, "Why use gas to run your car when you can use RING-TAILED LEMURS?"

On the other hand, this would really stick it to Haliburton, which would be awesome. If only they didn't own all the water, too. Oh well, as they say in Spanish, "Something something de GREMI DE LLIBRETERS!" Lol.

2 comments:

Joe S. said...

Your posts my my stomach hurt from laughing so hard. I truly appreciate and enjoy them. Keep up the great work!

mkenny59 said...

Thank you, Joe! That is awesome of you to say, and I'm thrilled you're enjoying them!