Spam email of the week


If I am ever able to earn enough money from this free blog making fun of dumb and pointless emails, I am going to become a philanthropist and create a charity named "CHARITY PROJECT. LET HELP A SOUL," which will be an ironic nod to all of the terrible emails that allowed me to donate this money in the first place. Also, my charity will be targeted specifically at dying wealthy widows from foreign countries with no trustworthy family/friends who -- because they are dying -- cannot help the poor themselves. Judging from the amount of emails I receive of this nature, this has obviously become a terrible epidemic that needs to be addressed. At first I will just raise awareness with a series of televised music concerts, but after everyone is aware, sh*t's going DOWN.

Dear Beloved one, I will like you to read this mail showing some sign
of concern to it.

Trust me, I am very concerned ... about how I can illuminate the pointlessness of your awful email. It's difficult to determine, however, whether or not I, specifically, am "Beloved one," since the list of receiving email addresses that are almost like my email address is very, very extensive. Like, am I Beloved one or is it J/k I know it's me -- that guy's a dick.

My name is puan.Hashim Shahida Amatullah

Oh, that's it? I thought there'd be more. Most people have more of a name than that, but maybe it's because you're foreign? There's only one dot in your name? Are you sure? Not judging or anything, just want to make sure I have your name correct in my ol' memory bank. My name is Mike.

a business merchant in Malaysia.

I meet a lot of people on a daily basis who describe themselves as business merchants ... in my dreams in which I am captain of a 1740s sea vessel on its way to England. Also, when you said your name before I thought to myself, "That sounds Malaysian ..." So far, this all checks out.

As a result of my present medical condition now,

Hate to be the grammar police here, puan.Hashim Shahida Amatullah, but that is redundant. All of your other words are perfect though. And sorry you broke your coccyx or whatever.

my personal doctor confided in me few days ago that I have only but
few more weeks to live and I see it as life been unfair to me.

Oh, my bad re: coccyx. Shouldn't have assumed your condition was so minor.

All my
life i always pray for more opportunity of helping/contributing on
humanitarian assistance. In view of this setback, i want to donate my
estate for humanitarian assistance, since this has always been the
plan of my late husband and besides i have no child.

You know that KC & JoJo song, "All My Life?" For some reason I can't stop imagining them altering the song to, "All my life, I pray for more opportunity of helping/contributing on humanitarian assistance." It's really making me laugh so much over here, to the point where I would give almost anything to hear it happen. Does anyone have KC & JoJo's number? Please leave in comments. Anyway, where were we?

I once asked
members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the
money which I have there to charity Organization in Somalia and
Pakistan , they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do
not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I
have left for them.

Word, family is the worst. One time I tried to set up a charity organization in Somalia, and I gave my sister $20 with specific instructions to give it to Somalia. Well guess what? She went right to Anthropologie.

In an effort to compliment the good work of God
almighty and the wish of my late Husband I donate the sum of
Ј2,000,000.00 (Two Million Great Britain Pounds) to you.

Cool cool cool.

On your
acknowledgement of this mail and informing me of your nationality and
current place of resident,

I am an American of Irish heritage and I live in Arizona, now give me my mon-NAY (Chris Tucker voice).

my lawyer will facilitate due processes for
transfer of this legacy to you. May God bless you as you use this
money judiciously for the work of charity.

Maybe your lawyer can directly facilitate the donation of your fortune to a charity? No? Eh, you're right -- better to go through someone you don't know whose qualifications are: "uses email." Eliminate the middle man, and by "eliminate the" I mean "create a second."

Sincere regards,
puan.Hashim Shahida Amatullah From: Malaysia

You know what? Pretty sure we helped a soul today, puan.Hashim Shahida Amatullah from Malaysia. Thanks again for the money. My name is Mike.

Thank you James, a.k.a. Chunter, for the spam submission.