Thursday, January 10, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: Your help is needed!

WELL GET OUT OF THE WAY IMMA COMIN' THROUGH

CA No: CA2011014394, Court No: CR 2011117965

Ooooh, this seems pretty legit. It has a case number and a "court number" and everything. I better pay very close attention to this federal matter. MY COUNTRY NEEDS ME.

I, Irina Sidlauskas, US citizen, the victim in above mentioned case need help…

Am I supposed to know the above mentioned case off the top of the dome? Wait, case number CA2011014394? Sidlauskas versus Johnson Pharmaceuticals? They done my girl WRONG, how can I help?

My situation is pretty bad:

You can't just put a frowny face on legal documents like this, fyi. You have to spell it out.

1. I do not have a car, even if I would have it - I am just afraid to drive, because I am very dizzy.

It's hard to believe there was a time in my life -- as early as two minutes ago -- when I was unaware that Irina Sidlauskas, person I do not know and non-car owner, was too dizzy to drive anyway. I'm on my way, Irina! J/k I'm also kind of dizzy.

2. My speech is worse, so phone conversations out of my reach, unfortunately.

Me: Hi Irina? It's Mike, from email. I need to know where you live so I can pick you up because you are dizzy and drive you to court or whatever for that thing.

Irina: Flarb flarb cochchchchchchc

Me: ...

3. I do not have any money to see doctors to start my disability claim, divorce, support from the individual, who destroyed my life style I had before.

Technically speaking, your insurance company and not your doctors would file a disability claim. Your doctors, however, can obviously help you with your divorce and the reacquisition of your previous lifestyle, in which I imagine you were fed grapes sensually near running water and were rarely dizzy. I feel like I am helping already, with the information I am giving you.

4. All 2012 year I was staying Thailand at my Parents condo. I came home ONLY for me to start all these mess. As soon as I see, that I am able to leave - I will go back to Thailand. Life is cheaper there.

Irina: Mom, Dad! I am going back home to America to make a mess of my life!

Parents: Okay, dear. Just remember when you crash and burn that a washing machine at the Thai Home Depot only costs like 12 Thai-bucks.

5. File for bankruptcy.

I don't know what this list is.

Rhetorical question:

Drop the philosophical knowledge on me, Irina Sidlauskas.

It's a shame that I, US citizen, with no any criminal record, MUST hide in some other country to be able to pay for bread on a table (using my Parents pension to support myself) and to be at ease that people who are dear to me will not be in danger from individual, who almost destroyed me.

That is not a question, nor is it rhetorical. It's actually pretty specific to your exact situation, although I am having difficulty discerning what in the freakin' heck you are even talking about. Nevertheless, rhetorical question: are you dating Chris Brown?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is the most disgusting crap I ever read in my life.
1. To post confidential letter, which was addressed to the attorney who was leading the case is illegal (by reading this I have 100% assurance in my guess).
2. The person who was mentioned in your letter, probably found out your sarcastic stupidity and did the IP search on you, I would.
3. There is only ONE person with that name in the whole USA. I'll be glad to offer her my help to destroy your pathetical life and to make sure that confidential files not shared by your bosses or the office you're working last days. Simple - you'll be fired and the office will be in the state newspapers, such as "Arizona Republic"

G. Harris