Spam email of the week


Today's email is from my old friend, Chevron Oil Company. Unfortunately, Chevron, a multi-gazillion dollar oil company, could not attain the domain "@chevron." (Thankfully for all, they were able to get that as their Twitter handle, so if you like your oil updates swift and hilarious, follow @chevron.) Nope. They had to shorten it to @chv. Ya' know, THAT, or this email is complete bullshit.

Subject: Greetings!

The subject is "Greetings!"


Color me greeted.

I am Prof Abdul Wahid. a staff of the Chevron Oil Company,

Why, hello gas professor. You know, my wife oftentimes calls me the gas professor, so it appears we have an identity conflict here. Ha, ha, ha! Of course I am referring to farts. You probably get that a lot. Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, you are a staff of the Chevron Oil Company. That is interesting. Do you mean you are a long piece of wood or metal the Chevron Company carries around so it doesn't fall down? How did you write this email, considering you are an inanimate object? Probably because you are a professor, too. I'm sorry for all these questions. Please continue.

This email is to notify you that your email address as been selected by
the Board of trustees as one of the final recipients of this year Chevron
Oil Company promotion cash grant donation to celebrate the 30th
anniversary celebration.

The Board of Trustees for a multi-gazillion dollar oil company sat around a table trying to decide how to disperse the company's profits -- which is something companies do (?) -- and what they ultimately settled on was selecting from a pool of random email addresses. So far, this makes sense. Also, according to Wikipedia, Chevron was founded in 1984. Also, the name is Chevron Corporation and not Chevron Oil Company. Tell me what I won.

We are giving out the donation of {$850,000.00}
USD to 12 lucky recipients as this year promotion in support from the
W.H.O, UN, and the EU in-accordance with the enabling act of parliament.

The Enabling Act of Parliament states: It is hereby decreed that all public oil companies must celebrate their respective 30th anniversaries two years early and by giving out over $10 million to people who use email rather than just like, lowering the ridiculous cost of gas a few cents for everyone. DECREED! (Gavel slam). I don't want to get all political here, but in my opinion, this was our country's finest Parliament legislation. Also, big ups to the World Health Organization, which is somehow involved in this?

Fill out below information and contact the Chevron Oil Company promotion
Department payment center via email contact below:
1. Full Name:
2. Complete Address:
4. Telephone Number:
Contact Person
Tell: +234-80590-48178

If there's anything more legitimate than "Professor Abdul Wahid at," I've never heard of it. Also, for occupation, should I put my current one or the one I plan to have (none) once I get my money? I'll put "none," to be safe.

NOTE : If You Recieve This Message In Your Junk Or Spam Its Due To Your
Internet Provider

Me: Hi, Cox? Yeah, this is Mike. Listen, long story short -- you guys almost cost me 850 grand. I got this email about how I won 850 grand because I have email, and LUCKILY I checked my junk folder. But it shouldn't have went there. You need to change my Internet whatever to make sure this doesn't happen again.

Cox Communications: Uh, we honestly don't have anything to do with your specific email filters.

Me: Oh, really? Why don't you tell that to Professor Abdul Wahid!

Cox Communications: I honestly don't know what you are saying. We just provide the Internet connection. You probably have your email junk filter set to high. Or -- and this is just an opinion -- what you received really was junk, in which case, do NOT send any personal information in reply.

Me: Oh. Uhhh ... You guys do my phone, too, right?

Cox Communications: If by "do" you mean "provide service for your landline," yes.

Me: Can you tell me how to dial a number that is 13 numbers?

Cox Communications: I can, but it will cost you $850,000.

Me: Darn it! Figures. Patch me through to Parliament will ya'?

Cox Communications: Sure thing ... hangs up.

- - - - - -
H/T to great friend of So, Do You Like ... Stuff, Bill D., who provided his junk for this week's installment.


Bill said…
Great job, this is hilarious!

And it was my pleasure to provide my junk. Wait a minute...
mkenny59 said…
Thank you, Bill, for the spam and comment! Just goes to show you, you -- like you specifically -- should never be embarrassed by your junk. It stands alone, tall and proud.