Thursday, November 29, 2012

Spam email of the week

We have a lot of fun with these spam email posts around here. And by we I mean I. You probably hate them. That said, I understand the point of most of these spam emails is to steal your identity and/or money and cause irreparable damage to your bank accounts and dignity, which is all well and good. Sometimes, however, these emails are so far out there it's difficult to grasp their purpose.

For example, let's say you are a person interested in, oh I don't know ... obtaining oil from China. That is a pretty big expenditure, I would imagine. You probably have a secretary and assistants and stuff. Much of your business involves strong networking connections, flights across the world, political contacts. You probably know Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney is a contact in your phone. I guess what I'm saying is, you're probably not sitting at your computer waiting for an email to serve as a lead re: getting oil from China.

Or, better yet, say you're me, a person who blogs about nonsense and who only sort of knows where the oil thingee is in his Kia Sportage (under the hood somewhere). And say you get an email like this:

Subject: Oil from China

In all honesty, if someone were to send me barrels of oil from China right now, for free -- regardless of how much this could earn me -- it would be a HUGE burden. I would have nowhere to put them and I wouldn't know the first person to call. I would probably ask my brother-in-law to sell them on ebay, and that can't be legal. I am already stressing out about this and I didn't even agree to anything yet.


Dear sir:
This is Alisa from a manufacturer specializing in producing Chemical raw materials in China. Here are our latest product: silicone oil,  transformer oil ,base oil, used cooking oil.Hope the product can meet your needs.
Any question, do not hesitate to contact me.

Of everything that is terrifyingly bizzare here, the differences in font are the most disturbing to me. Also, USED COOKING OIL? Pretty sure I can get my hands on some grease if need be. And you know what? Should I ever need some grease that I can't manufacture in my own kitchen, you know where I'm going to get it? IN AMERICA. That's where. Not to get all political here, but if we, as a nation, cannot produce decent grease ... I just ... I can't even.

Any question, do not hesitate to contact me.
Waiting for your early reply. 
Best regards
Alisa,
Company: BeijingShengShiTianJiao Chemicals Co.,Ltd
Tel: 0086-0311-67799652
Fax: 0086-0311-67799652
Skype: alisaalisa86756
Mail: Alisa@sstjchem.com     
Website: www.sstjchem.com

The rest of this is par for the course -- the company name, if you separate it into "words," shockingly produces Google results, although the websites it leads to are super weird. One thing of note, however, is that Alisa left her Skype address. I would really enjoy finding Alisa on Skype.

alisaalisa86756: Static-y picture of 425-lb woman in a Snuggie surrounded by parakeets comes up. Uh, hello?

mikekennystuff (not my actual Skype address so don't be botherin' me!): Alisa!

alisaalisa86756: Uh, who ARE you?

mikekennystuff: It's me, sir!

alisaalisa86756: Listen yo, I have no idea who you be, so just stop playin'--

mikekennystuff: Alisa, it's ME. you sent me the awesome email about oil from China ... ? Remember? Used cooking oil? Ring a bell?

alisaalisa86756: Wha--OH snap, you mean that bullsh--I mean, oh yeah, that's me ... what's up? Shoos parakeets away, sits up on couch.

mikekennystuff: Okay, so you said to contact you if I had any questions, aaaand, the more I was thinking about it ... Remember the part where you were like blah, blah, blah, transformer oil? My question is: Is that the type of oil Transformers use, like from the movie?

alisaalisa86756: Is this is a joke, yo? You know I don't have time for this, I'm very busy with ... things.

mikekennystuff: Oh, no! I honestly need to know. Because if it IS, I was thinking about buying a bunch of barrels from you and then reselling them to director Michael Bay at a jacked up rate for when he makes "Transformers 8: Revenge of the Revenge."

alisaalisa86756: For real? Oh yeah, no doubt, transformer oil is what all the Transformers need to survive. They all use it ... uh, Globotron, MegaForce ... John ... ny ... Max ... aTron.

mikekennystuff: Are those the new Transformers? I've never heard of them.

alisaalisa86756: Oh yeah, they be the new ones alright. When you work in the transformer oil industry, you know these things. Just don't tell anyone, okay?

mikekennystuff: You can trust me, Alisa! Can I place my order now?

alisaalisa86756: Oh fo sho! Just lemme get a pen ... YO LISA! GET ME A PEN OR SOMETHIN' RIGHT QUICK.

1 comment:

cynicalbuddha said...

So that's where Transformers get their oil!!!China!