Spam email of the week

Subject: Your Chinese Partner

When I so much as scroll across this email, I get a pop-up box that reads, "To display language characters correctly you need to install the following language pack: Chinese Simplified." I declined to install a Chinese-to-English software program on my hard drive because, I figure, if anyone is sending me something in Chinese, it is probably irrelevant to me because: ? Nevertheless, even though I did not install the software this email is still strangely legible. Because it is in English. I am confused, yet elated.

Also, I didn't even know I had a Chinese partner. How was this not made known to me earlier, MOM? I have always desired a Chinese partner in some sort of endeavor, so this is very exciting. I wonder what his or her name is. Let me scroll to the bottom ... it's probably something very Chinese ...

Jack Davis
Engineering manager

That is so stereotypically Chinese it's borderline offensive. Oh, you can't spell "sincerely," Jack Davis? Rearry?

Let's take it from the top.

(Friendly note: If you are not the right ones, pls kindly reply simple words like”NO”,thanks.)

It's hard for me to tell if I'm "not the right ones" here at the outset, although considering I was prompted to install language software to decipher this email, it's probably safe to say that I am not the right ones. But let me read the email first and if it doesn't apply to me I will respond with simple words like, "NO." In fact, would it be unimaginative of me to just go with "No" itself as a response? I can't think of any other simple words right now. I also considered not responding at all, but that might send mixed signals. Eh, I'll worry about it later.

Dear Sir,
Thank you for your attention.
Our company is a professional manufacture of plastic, rubber parts from China.

"Plastic, rubber parts" is bolded in blue font for emphasis. There is zero confusion right now that we are talking about plastic, rubber parts as opposed to something else. However, are these parts plastic AND rubber at the same time? That is INSANE.

As you know ,it is low material and cheaper labor in China. I think we can help you to reduce the cost.

Being able to get plastic, rubber parts from China at a reduced cost will greatly help me in my job as publications manager for a local weekly newspaper. "I like this story about the candidate for the district's school board, but where are the plastic, rubber parts?" is something I find myself saying literally every second of every day. This email has nailed it. I AM the ones, it turns out. One question though -- what does "it is low material" mean? Also, what does everything mean that is happening right now?

Besides, our company specialize in moulding ,tooling CNC,machining, we can offer all kinds of plastic produce according to customers' 2D/3D drawing and samples.

Besides, even if you don't need plastic, rubber parts from China, our company also does moulding, tooling CNC, and machining, which are things, I guess. And plastic produce, too. Like plastic lettuce.

I ask this because I don't know: Are there people, like, on earth, responsible for creating 2D and 3D drawings of desirable plastic produce? If so, and if you are one of those people, please leave your name and phone number in the comments because I would like to speak with you at length about this.

If you need,we can quote you a good price.

"If" I need? Pfft. Quote that shizz, yo. I think I speak for everyone when I say I'm tired of having boring old Americans making my plastic, rubber parts at inflated rates. We're about to start a revolution here. Do you guys want to see what the revolution looks like?

It looks like that. Bam. Breathe it in. Not literally; that plastic and rubber is crazy toxic.