Thursday, March 22, 2012

Classic card of the week


Karl Malone, 1998 NBA Hoops

It is with a heavy heart that I acknowledge that this, right here, is the last 1998 NBA Hoops card that I own. But let us never forget the good times we had, frolicking happily down the road of inane, nonsensical and uninformative street talk. If anyone out there has more cards from this series and would like to see them featured, please send them to me and I will do just that because I love this series of basketball cards more than I have ever loved anything in my entire life. But, if this is indeed the final installment, let’s make it count.

Let’s, as they say on the street, run a power move on them.



Run a power move on them.

“I don’t know what this means. What is a power move? Who is them?” These are things stupid idiots from suburbia would say. Ha, stupid idiots. Let me break it down for you. It’s like, hey, Karl Malone, do that thing you do where you finish a layup after contact, or belittle a subordinate in the effort of emphasizing your authority. GET ME A CUP OF COFFEE, POPEYE JONES.

Karl, you put the power in power forward.

Run a power move on them, Karl Malone, or should I say Karl Power, or is it Power Malone? You put the power in "power." Karl, your power is like the time that thing happened that was really powerful. Today’s Powerball number is 32, which is power forward Karl (Power) Malone’s number, who is a powerful power forward. Cat Power is an indie rock artist but also the name of Karl Malone’s cat. Pfft, jk; Power Malone doesn’t own a stupid cat. He has a pit bull named Power Pit who is very powerful and who also drives a truck.

27 ppg (third in league), and All-Defensive First Team too.


What the heck? That’s kind of like, a statistic and a somewhat useful piece of basketball-related information. Take a break, Nerdy McNerdison, and let’s get back to the realness over here, m’kay? For example, what size barricade would be required to stop this truck—Karl Malone is the truck—from driving the lane?

Going to need a big barricade to stop this truck from driving the lane.

THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ‘BOUT. Mo fos gonna need to set up a barricade to stop Karl “Truck” Malone from driving the lane. Is that even legal, basketball-wise, to construct a physical barricade on the basketball court? I don’t know, why don’t you nerds go look at the “rule” book. It’s probably the same thing as Tiger-proofing a golf course. You just a build a wall or something near the foul line, force Power “the Karl” Mailman to shoot over the wall. Ball goes out of bounds. Nobody can get it, because of the wall. Delay of game. Five-yard penalty. Game over. Karl Malone = NUETRALIZED.

I hope you have enjoyed this basketball card about basketball.

Did you know?
You've just been power moved.

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