Classic card of the week

Michael Chang, Sports Illustrated for Kids

It’s pretty safe to say I was the only kid on the block with a Michael Chang tennis card, which, obviously, gave me quite the confidence boost as I biked around the neighborhood in search of worthy adversaries and also my soul mate. “Whatchu know about Michael Chang?” was a common phrase I could be heard condescendingly tossing in the direction of an unsuspecting sucka, while the surrounding kids laughed at this person’s lack of Michael Chang knowledge and memorabilia. It’s also pretty safe to say I am now one of the few people in the world that owns a perforated Michael Chang tennis card, and that’s not to brag. Well, kind of. Sorry, haters.

Chang me.

In 1989, Michael became the youngest man ever to win the French Open and also the first American man to win it since 1955. He was just 17 years 3 months old!

First of all, exclamation point! Second of all, seriously, that is ridonk. A 17-year-old winning a Grand Slam event is absurd. And what the hell, America? You can’t win in France for 34 years until my boy Chang over here has to be like, “I am 17, but screw it—I’m bringing this trophy back to America, bee-otches.” That is embarrassing. But not as embarrassing as being France. I mean, how many times do we have to bail France out of war and mundane tennis competitions? I realize this happened 23 years ago, but eat it, France. Get a clue, Johnny Depp.

Truth be told, 17 for a tennis player is pretty much his or her prime. If you haven’t at least won a tennis tournament by the time you’re 7 it’s basically time to head back to the drawing board and consider a new career. That’s not to take anything away from Michael Chang though—I’m just saying his most notable achievement wasn’t really all that impressive or important.

Michael, who likes to go on fishing trips while on the tennis tour,

I am going to go out on a limb and say that Michael Chang was the youngest man to ever catch a striped bass while awaiting his turn to participate in a professional tennis event.

Michael’s dad came to the U.S. from Taiwan.

“Arrest him!” – Sheriff Joe Arpaio

Where and what is Taiwan?

Hmmm, excellent question, Sports Illustrated for Kids. I am unsure, since, although I subscribe to your magazine, I process information at a pre-school level. But let me use context to try and figure this out.

Taiwan is … on my shoulder and is … a parrot! No, no …

Taiwan is … in a toolbox and is … a screwdriver! No, that can’t be right.

Taiwan is … riding on a glacier and is … a polar bear! No, wait, I’m pretty sure a polar bear is just a polar bear. I give up. It looks like I will have to turn this card over …

Answer: It is an island located off the southeast coast of mainland China that is officially known as the (Nationalist) Republic of China.

Nice try, Sports Illustrated for Kids. You can’t patronize me with simpleton questions while also trying to bombard me with Communist propaganda. I SEE THROUGH YOU!

Did you know?
I did not stoop to the level of using the term Changsanity, for which I should be praised.


Hackenbush said…
You just did. "No praise for you!"
Bill said…
You sure were speaking my Changuage with this post!
troy said…
Also, 'Placentia'?