Thursday, March 01, 2012

Arizona's linsanities

Today, Channel 12 here in AZ, in an attempt to capitalize on the linsanity craze that peaked like three weeks ago, ran a segment called, “Arizona’s Top Five ‘Linsanity’ Moments.” Indeed, it would be mega-interesting and newsworthy to unveil the Valley’s top five occasions that were most similar to when an Asian-American basketball player began playing basketball really well in New York. There was no way this wasn’t going to be completely dumb, but it somehow managed to exceed expectations.

No. 5 was when Jordin Sparks of Glendale won American Idol. I wasn’t here yet when that happened, but it was actually the number one reason my wife and I decided to move to Arizona. Watching the pure linsanity of someone from an American state win an American talent show, we just had to get to that state and see what all the fuss was about by living there permanently. When we arrived, it was impossible to escape the Jordin Sparks madness. Jordin Sparks this, Jordin Sparks that, hey, is that Jordin Sparks? Nope, just a different person. Oh well. May I pay for my stay at the Jordin Sparks Hotel with Jordin Sparks bucks? Yes? Awesome! It was almost as if she were a point guard on a basketball team, giving us all an assist in the game of life. Since then, she has capitalized on her extreme local fame by singing the National Anthem at every major Arizona sporting event, which is more than I can say for Jeremy what’s-his-name ... does he even still play basketball?

I don’t remember No.’s 4-2, but I do remember they were totally dumb. One of the things was very old-timey Arizona—remember when ol’ Chester Duckingham invented the horse? That was like linsanity!—which struck me as particularly dumb as it relates to Jeremy Lin. Arizona doesn’t really care for its minorities right now; to equate something in the past with an Asian-American could get your arrested for blasphemy by Sheriff Joe.

No. 1—the number one thing that has ever happened in Arizona that is most like linsanity—was when Stephanie Meyer of Scottsdale wrote Twilight. I want to repeat here that, according to Channel 12, the most linsanity thing that has ever happened in Arizona was when someone wrote a book. Considering I did not even know Stephanie Meyer was from Scottsdale until I saw this very segment, I would say this is exactly like linsanity, only if no one in New York realized it was happening.

Then they posted the linsanity moments that did not make the top five because, you know, it’s impossible to name only five linsanity Arizona moments when there are probably like, zero. Again, I don’t remember them all, but one of them was when the 2008 Arizona Cardinals went to the Super Bowl. That is probably the best example of linsanity, if only because it involved sports, and that was absolutely nothing like linsanity. Another one was “Jeff Hornacek.” Just that: Jeff Hornacek. The anchor then explained that Jeff Hornacek was a college walk-on before the Suns drafted him in the second round in 1986. I trust everyone recalls the “Jeffin' awesome” craze of the late 80s here in Phoenix. It was all about girls, cocaine, and basketball player Jeff Hornacek. Jeffin' awesome was like if Tim Tebow and Jeremy Lin had a baby who shot three-pointers and who set the world on fire with his extreme whiteness.

Not only was this entire thing pointless, it was inaccurate. And it had to be, because linsanity is a very time, city and player-specific thing that has happened, and is not relative to anything else, sports or otherwise. I also want to reiterate that I saw this on the news. The fact that this segment happened at all is, ironically, the most linsane thing of all.

UPDATE: Last night I randomly remembered another linsanity "honorable mention": Jimmy Eat World. The rock band. Because they are from Mesa. Remember when they played The Ed Sullivan Show and everyone was going nuts? That was Jimmy Eat World from Mesa, right? I think it was. If they retitled "Top Five Arizona 'Linsanity' Moments" to "Things That Have Happened/Entities That Formed in Arizona That Are Nothing Like 'Linsanity,'" then this would have been accurate, although it would have remained pointless. This was on the news.

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