Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Classic card of the week


Placido Polanco, 2001 Stadium Club

I realize that the baseball season is either long gone or very far away, depending on how you look at it. But all of this hot stove talk has me excited enough to dip back into my stash of pointless baseball cards a few months earlier than usual. Plus, as mentioned ad nauseam over the past few months, my treasure trove of worthless non-baseball cards is dwindling.

(That is, btw, yet another hint to all four of my loyal readers out there. Send me something. Please.)

I have to admit that my heart skipped a beat while flipping through this deck of cards, for I had thought –- for one split second –- that I had found an Albert Pujols rookie card lost in my shoebox-shaped island of misfit players. But alas, it was only a picture of Placido Polanco doing what Placido Polanco is wont to do, which is: hitting the ball the other way so as to move a runner over or some other thing that will produce either one, or more likely zero runs, but surely at least one out -- an accomplishment for which he will be lauded by the announcers, his teammates and other people who enjoy outs.

That was very harsh. I am obviously taking it out on Placido Polanco for not being Albert Pujols. I apologize, Placido. To make it up to you, allow me now to mention some of your ANALYSKILLS, which -– as we all know –- are a complex system of skills, analysis, and the analysis of those skills, which are analyzed. With skills. Of analysis. Here:



ANALYSKILLS: Extremely valuable and unsung

In 2000, the year before this card was released, Placido Polanco slugged .418 and was 50% in stolen base attempts. So I would like to reword his first ANALYSKILL, if I may, to read: Somewhat valuable and properly sung.

(I would also like to mention something. Many baseball fans are aware that Polanco has –- for lack of better phrasing –- a fairly large domepiece, a fact that I was not going to mention here due to its pettiness and irrelevance. But I went on his baseball-reference page for stats, a page that is sponsored by an entity called “The Fightins.” Well, they have an invitation for you:

For all the news concerning the size of Placido’s melon, head over to The Fightins.

Baseball-reference, I had thought, was like, a legitimate source. Now am I not so sure. Furthermore, how much breaking news is being released with regards to the size of Placido Polanco’s head? Is it getting larger? I am scared to find out.)

Anyway, more ANALYSKILLS:

…Rarely whiffs…

I realize that this is very childish, but if “whiffs” means “farts,” then that ANALYSKILL is not only hilarious, but evidence of Polanco’s aforementioned extreme value. In which case: I stand corrected.

…Able to come off the bench…

Far be it from me to question the inherent validity of ANALYSKILLS, but it would seem that most, if not all, major league baseball players would possess the ability to physically remove themselves from the bench and then insert themselves into a baseball game. It could also be argued that a player that possessed a more refined set of ANALYSKILLS would not find himself on the bench in the first place.

But again, far be it. From me.

Did you know?
The Fightins were the first to break the story of Sammy Sosa’s face.

1 comment:

Bill said...

Thanks for the laughs today! I think "properly sung" is my new favorite phrase.

And other than Allen Iverson, I can't think of a player in any sport that is unable to come off the bench.