Classic card of the week

Larry Bird, 1993 Upper Deck FaniMation series

Perhaps you are familiar with “FaniMation,” a process by which a particular athlete who boasts many fans -– in this case, Larry Bird –- is transformed into an animated superhero and then placed onto a confusing basketball (?) card for the purposes of alienating both sports fans and comic book fans alike.

Today’s FaniMation installment -– there will be no others -– features a person who looks nothing like Larry Bird shooting over a team of undersized robots during what appears to be the apocalypse. All I know is, I hope the green team wins, because it looks like there’s a lot at stake here.

Back of the card?



Name: Larry Bird
A K A: Birdman

Clever. Again though, it appears as though they took some liberties in making Birdman appear like a genuine superhero and not like an awkward white dude from French Lick, Indiana. I’m just saying.

Special Gear:

Tube socks, mullet.

Sorry.

Series XX Argotec Ball-Tracking Device with guidance capabilities;

Oh snap! One question though: Why wouldn’t a Series XX Argotec Ball-Tracking Device have guidance capabilities?

The Claw (classified)

Wait. But you just told me about The Claw. How is it classified? I want to see The Claw. Now!

But first, there’s more:

Birdman is a living legend in the NBA.

Well, Larry Bird is. Birdman? Most certainly not.

His Argotec ball-tracker tells him where the ball is at all times, giving him an advantage on defense.

Weird. I also have a device that tells me where the ball is at all times. It’s called “my eyes.” Although I did once did use an Argotec ball-tracker during a game back in high school. By the time it had processed where the ball was, my guy had scored 83 points.

Once he steals the ball from the evil Droids, he uses his Argotec guidance system to put up three-pointers.

What the hell is going here? Can I get a back-story or something? Why is Birdman playing basketball against the Droids? And why would the Droids even play against Birdman if they obviously have no chance? And why is everything “Argotec?” It sounds like a Columbia-brand winter jacket.

He is also equipped with “The Claw,” a top-secret device that he uses to manipulate the ball while driving to the hoop.

I thought that information was classified! You are compromising the integrity of this operation! What if the Droids find out that Birdman uses The Claw to manipulate his balls?

That’s it. I’m calling the Super Globetrotters.

Did you know?
In their franchise's long and storied history, The Droids have only one victory, which came against the 2009 New Jersey Nets.