Classic card of the week

Tino Martinez, 1998 Upper Deck, Retro series

This one is for the hos ladies.

Many people have argued that the “Classic card of the week” discriminates against females, because I tend to post stupid cards with snarky comments that reference “guy’s movies” like “Carlito’s Way” and “Mr. Holland's Opus.” Even the act of posting silly cards itself is discriminatory, as I have come to learn that many women did not, in fact, ask for the complete 1989 Topps set for Christmas of that year, and have yet to open it. If I am going to post sports cards – these people argue – I could at least, every now and then, post one of a brooding stud. To that I say, apparently you haven’t seen this. Nevertheless…

Here ya’ go. Tino. The Bamtino, as John Sterling has affectionately and jackassedly referred to him. Girls want to be with him. Guys want to be like him. An example of a girl that would like to be with him is my wife, which doesn’t upset me that much because I would also like to be with him. On the field. Having a catch. Talking about what we’re going to do after the game. Maybe grab a drink. Some jager bombs. We have an off day tomorrow so we should go down to AC or something. “Maybe you can leave ME some ladies this time!” I will jokingly joke with him, although I’m crying a little bit inside. He spots my wife in the stands. Winks at her. I go 0-for-4 with eight strikeouts, released the next day. During the 5th inning a puppy runs onto the field, and Tino saves it from getting stomped on by Rich Garces, and then hands it to my wife. Numbers are exchanged. Crowd applauds. Yankees win, 100-3. Tino has 12 grand slams, is immediately inducted into the Hall of Fame the next day. But he needs a date…

Wow, that got out of hand. I apologize. Another example of a girl that would like to be with Tino Martinez is my cousin Cara, who would leave her husband right now if this card magically came to life and jumped through the computer screen. Other examples of girls who will enjoy this card are the types of the girls that have ovaries.

As far as the card itself, pretty standard, though I’m not sure what’s so “Retro” about it. Quite the glamour shot, though. Kind of a slap in the face to every other ballplayer at the time trying to get a date. True story: This photo was taken by Upper Deck’s lone female photographer -- Lydia Vonhonstonken -- who literally melted to death immediately after the flash went off. No charges were filed.

Did you know?
David Cone once said that “Tino Martinez makes Derek Jeter look like Zim.”