Classic card of the week

Paul Householder, 1986 Topps
*Special Friday edition

Paul Householder was the perfect fusion of robotic charm and stoic manliness, mixed with a dash of Old Spice, just for good measure. You could cut glass on Paul Householder’s jutting chin structure. His bulging calves forced 13 women in the Milwaukee area to pass out on non-related occasions during the 1985 season. His flowing locks were the stuff of legend. In fact, MLB forbade Paul Householder from wearing a helmet before the 1986 season, so as not to deprive fans of what they really came to see. (And, as it turned out, what fans really came to see was Paul Householder sitting on the bench, although, thankfully, none his 78 total at-bats ended in serious head trauma.) And maybe more manly than any other attribute of Paul Householder was the fact that he was a ballplayer. Albeit, not a very good one. Paul’s best statistical season arrived in 1983, when his six home runs and stellar .255 batting average helped the Cincinnati Reds finish in last place. The back of this card elaborates: The first player in Brewers history to deliver two pinch home runs in one year was Max Alvis during the 1970 campaign. So, yeah. You know you suck when the “Talkin’ Baseball” tidbit on the back of your own card has absolutely nothing to do with you. But Paul Householder was more than talkin’ baseball. He was a renaissance man. In fact, he not only invented the satin jacket, but he was the first known position player to wear the satin jacket while on the bases. In this very picture Paul Householder is standing on third base – mid game – sans a helmet, and with his hands in his pockets, just chillin’, waiting for someone to drive him in. One thing that may not be evident from this card however, is the fact that Paul Householder was born without a sense of humor. He took every statement literally, and could not differentiate sarcasm from true feelings. This deficiency ironically gave Paul Householder a false sense of self-worth, as teammates were constantly congratulating him on another “great game” after games in which Householder either went 0-for-4, or simply didn’t play at all. Born Paul Frazzleberries in 1958, he legally changed his last name to Householder as a birthday present to his mother, whom he overheard during a phone conversation wishing that her son would one day become a household name.

Did you know?
“Paul Householder” translated in German means “David Hasselhoff.”