Is it Monday yet, ESPN? Why yes, it is! Hey, guess what? Monday blows! Here is a recap of the weekend...
Dolphins beat the Bears, 31-13. Chicago will not go undefeated for the first time since 2005. Joey Harrington wakes up this morning on top of a piano, covered in empty wine cooler bottles.
Redskins beat Cowboys on game-ending field goal. Terrell Owens would be so much better if he could just, ya’ know…catch.
Bills beat Packers. J.P. Losman is just like Brett Favre, if you take away the first 10 years of Brett Favre’s career.
Colts beat Pats. This was a big game, until the Pats lost. Now it was just a lowly regular season game. Tom Brady shrugs it off. He didn’t even care about this game. It wasn’t big enough for his tastes. Peyton Manning would win a pointless game like this. Choker.
Joe Paterno hurts leg on sidelines during game. Won’t be funny until we’re positively certain he’s okay. Then, it’ll be like this. Or maybe this.
Bengals lose again…to Ravens. Chad Johnson changes name to “no show.”
Texas Rangers’ hire Ron Washington to be their manager. Ask him if he knows anyone who can pitch.
The Breeder’s Cup, ummm…happened. Horses were involved. Is there a fantasy league for this? No? Then what’s the point?
Who wants Gary Sheffield? What baggage are you talking about? He’s like Cal Ripken, Jr.! With a bat waggle!
Tiki Barber defeats Texans. Rest of Giants watch game tapes of the Bears in the locker room.
Stephon Marbury: four points (1-of-9 shooting), six turnovers on Saturday. Takes a dump at midcourt midway through the fourth quarter. Isiah refuses to clean it up.
I lose both fantasy matchups. Kevin Jones picks a great week to stop sucking. The Chicago D picks a great week to start.
I travel to Raleigh, North Carolina. I recommend the waffle house. They have waffles. And bring your old Starter jacket - they are just catching on.