Monday, November 06, 2006

Classic card of the week




Scott Williams, 1991-92 Upper Deck

Hey, yo…B.J….what the heck, man? Get the hell out of my basketball card, will ya’? You see the name on the bottom of the card? It says “Scott Williams.” I don’t see your freakin’ name anywhere, B.J. So why don’t you take your help defense, and get the hell out of here, all right? What, you think I can’t handle this punk? He’s got his freakin’ eyes closed, B.J.! He can’t even see you. I got this, aiiight? Look at my reach, B. J. Nobody is getting a sky hook over this reach. Your hand-checking methods aren’t doing anything, and they’re probably gonna earn you a foul, and we’re one foul away from putting them in the bonus. Why don’t you go and cover your man, before we get T’d up for illegal defense. He’s sneaking away over there on the perimeter. I swear, B.J. – if they swing the ball to your guy and we get burned with a three again because you’re over here trying to do MY job, I’m gonna freakin’ rip your heart out of your chest and stomp on it. Stop trying to kiss Phil’s ass with your hustling ways. He doesn’t give a crap about you. He doesn’t give a crap about anybody except Mike. Mike this, and Mike that. Get out of Mike’s way so he can shoot. Geez, he didn’t even notice my season-high 10 points against the Nuggets last year. I was unstoppable. But he didn’t care. I’m still not even starting ‘cause of stupid Cartwright, that uncoordinated goon. What is he like, 60? This is bull*&^$. It’s enough to make a man go crazy. Now here I am, trying to represent with this here card, and you’re all up in it, trying to steal the spotlight with your babyface and white wristband. My mom ordered like 500 of these cards, and now I’m in the background, in between a sleeping dude and some 10 year-old kid named “B.J.” I should be running this league by now. Nobody can check me. I dropped 14 on Anthony Mason in the Belmar Summer League three months ago. Cats were talking about that game for weeks, like, “Yo, Pippen is only the second best Scottie on Chicago!” That’s what my cousin said they were sayin’. You should have seen me, though. I dunked it from the three-point line. For real. Dunking from the foul line is for bitches. You can tell Mike I said that! Mark it down…Wait, don’t tell him that just yet, B.J. Hey, did you hear me? B.J.? Promise me you’re not gonna tell him! I was just kidding!…

Did you know?
Both Scott Williams and Michael Jordan attended the University of North Carolina, with varying results.

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