Thursday, November 16, 2006

Classic card of the week




*Special Friday edition
Kevin McHale, 1991-92 Upper Deck

Kevin McHale puts his socks on just like you or I – one foot at a time. Except much, much dorkier. And with a dumb smile on his face, as if to say, “I’m a big goon with huge white tube socks that have the NBA logo on them! Women want to sex me up! Can you believe it? My arms are long enough to reach my gargantuan legs! Look!” See, I never make that face when I put my socks on. My face is more like, “Man, I look like a dumbass with my socks pulled up this high. Thank God I’m about to put some pants on.” And let me tell you something – back in 1992, high socks were not cool. I remember those days fondly, and in my hood, if somebody saw your socks on the basketball court, you would be run out of town. For reals, yo. Unless you had on black crew socks, which was okay, because the Fab Five wore black socks, and those guys did not put their socks on like you or I. They put their socks on two feet at a time, while drinking mimosas on top of a pile of groupies before they went to practice, where they didn’t do shit because they didn’t have to. And who was going to tell them different? Steve Fischer? Please. Kevin McHale would have been doing suicides at a Steve Fischer-run practice, looking like an idiot with his high white tube socks, while Jalen Rose sat in the bleachers with the rest of the team laughing his ass off and pointing at McHale’s socks. And you know who would have gotten the starting nod for the next day’s game at Northwestern? Jalen Rose, that’s who! That’s what high white tube socks got you back in 1992 – diddly-poo, and a seat on the bench. Or, in this particular case, a spot on the All-Star team. Whatever. Back in those days, all-stars were chosen based strictly on talent and body hair – not fashion sensibilities. It wasn’t until about five years later when high white socks became popular, thanks in large part to the Mormon ways of Keith Van Horn, who was not allowed to show his shins lest he wanted to spend eternity shaving black goats in the dark abyss of Babylon. Then, people saw Keith Van Horn play basketball, and high white socks fell by the wayside. Enter headbands. And the “Latin explosion” of the late 90’s, which did not directly affect the NBA in any way, but nevertheless warrants mentioning.

Did you know?
Kevin McHale, now an executive with the Minnesota Timberwolves, banned the playing of any Red Hot Chili Peppers songs at the arena, because he strongly believes that “socks do not belong on people’s wee-wees.”

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Those socks could clothe an entire third world country!!