Monday, November 13, 2006

Classic card of the week




Doug West, 1991-92 Upper Deck

Doug West has many All-Star skills. He has bow-hunting skills. Num-chuck skills. Slam dunking skills. Just to name a few. Most popular of his all his skills are, obviously, his slam dunking skills, which earned him a spot in the Slam Dunk Contest at the 1992 NBA All-Star Game. It was during this particular Slam Dunk Contest where mini sharks were placed underneath the basket, requiring the contestants to actually jump over them, which signified what was happening to the Slam Dunk Contest at the time. (Bu, dum, ching!) Gone were Michael Jordan, Dominique Wilkens, and Larry Nance – who could dunk two basketballs at once without even dying. Enter the likes of Doug West (como se llama?) and Nick Anderson, another renowned fierce dunking machine. It is hard to imagine that the dunk pictured on this here card was actually converted by Mr. West – it doesn’t appear as though he has a lot of time or leverage left to get that ball in the friggin’ hoop with any kind of authority. Then again, Doug West was a master illusionist. He once convinced a referee he was wearing No. 8, and not his actual No. 5, thus avoiding a crucial 4th foul. West however, did not fair very well in the contest, regardless of the positive spin on the back of the card: “West narrowly missed the semifinal round.” Hey, congratulations Doug West! You almost made it to the final four of a competition featuring only eight players, who all suck! You are the fifth non-suckiest! At dunking! Of course, the winner of this particular competition was Cedric Ceballos, who had made a name for himself even before the competition. Literally. He made a sign with poster board, magic markers and sparkles that read, “Go, Cedric Ceballos!” so that it appeared at least one person in the stands was aware of who he was. Ceballos won the contest through a loophole that stated, “People are idiots.” Basically, he ran from half court while blindfolded and converted a dunk, which is absolutely, positively, the most impossible thing, ever. Even Jesus would have had trouble with that one. If that blindfold wasn’t see-thru, Ceballos would have jumped into the first row of the stands and dunked it into somebody’s groin. Besides, what is the point of vision-impaired dunking? What are you trying to prove – that you can play adequate basketball without the normally required eyesight? Bulls*%$, Cedric Ceballos. I am calling your bluff. I have seen you play with your eyes open, and quite frankly, it’s not pretty:

Would you like some turkey with that stuffing? Doug West wuz robbed. He’ll always be fourth place in my heart. Always.

Did you know?
If you are short, white, or temporarily blinded, you’re chances of winning the Slam Contest increase by 65 percent.

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